How To Win A Fight (for Dudes)

When your woman is pissed at you, there's no saving grace. It's either you roll up in a ball and cry, or you're riding the midnight train to PMSville. It's a tough road, gentlemen, but there is hope.&&

Soon you'll be able to turn this pathetic display of emasculation into VICTORY.

Just The Facts

  1. Those steroids-injected, bear punching mountain movers you call fists won't do you any good against the wiles of a woman (legally, anyway).
  2. It doesn't matter if you got a ten foot tall trophy and a handshake from the ghost of Abe Lincoln for being a master debator in high school. Women were born with those skills straight out of the womb.
  3. Whether it's your unwashed hair and your Gimley beard, or the amount of softcore porn on your Tivo, women always have something to fight about. Be ready.

1. Avoid Aggression

I know that just reading the title of this section made you want to punch me in the face and shit on what will be my grave, but hear me out. Simply avoiding a fight with a woman is much more worth it than being emasculated enough to make your balls ascend so high you'd be vomiting walnuts.

Like this, only she'd be doing it with the power of words.

Avoiding a potential fight could be as simple as letting her paint the bathrooms pink and yellow, or allowing her to put yard flamingos along the walkway to your door. The doormat, by the way, is woven and spells 'WELCOME' in flowers held up by Cupids.

Yeah, no. This does not sound right, but fear not, men! You can always retreat into that good ol' imagination of yours to see yourself winning these hypothetical, house decoration oriented fights!

Woman: I was thinking our white picket fence could be pink. You know, to shake it up a bit. I already ordered the pink paint for you to use.

You: The only thing that's gonna be pink and shaken up in this house is your ass, which I already ordered. Tonight.

This is all fine and dandy until women gain the power to intrude on our thoughts and win arguments that don't even exist. In the end, though, avoiding a fight isn't really winning a fight, so while this method may work for some of you insecure babies out there, real steak guzzling men require a method with a bit more finesse.

2. Buy Her (Expensive) Things

I bet you were hoping this section would be titled 'Punch a Bitch Out', but defending yourself in court against charges of assault with the plea of 'she wouldn't shut her goddamn mouth' doesn't ever end in victory. That's why good ol' American consumerism is here to make everything right with the world.

As much as women like arguing, they fucking love nice things. In fact, they love them so much that the very sight of a clearance sale at Bed, Bath, and Beyond could distract them enough to save your balls from eroding mid-argument. The only thing a woman's wrath would be directed toward when nice things at affordable prices are near her would be other women, which only means one thing:

Awww yeeeah.

With that in mind (the buying of nice things, not the cat fight), buying your woman something expensive is probably the best route to take to end a fight. Technically it's not 'winning' the fight as much as placating the beast within, but if you bought her a generously revealing dress with matching lingerie, then that should be victory enough, champ.

3. Whip It Out

We were all born with a secret weapon of sorts, and it goes by many names: the elephant's trunk, the majestic Redwood, the Basilisk, the ol' Louisville slugger, and so on. When Mother Nature was doling out gender roles, she may have given women their wiles and words, but she gave us the shaft.

In only the best of ways.

This method of winning a fight is not something to be toyed around with (even though I'm sure you're doing so right now), as we must use it sparingly. Only the most drastic situation should call for the Dr. Manhattan special, for If every man unzipped and whipped at the burgeonings of an argument, women would get used to it and maybe even learn to use it against us. How? Fortunately, we don't know, and if we're smart enough we'll never know.

What we do know is how to do it, and it's as simple as picturing King Arthur unsheathe the mighty Excalibur to slay a fearsome dragon that happened to be a chick. The very second that shining sword is unleashed, your womanly foe will realize her mouth needs to be full of something other than words. And that thing is your penis.

Mission accomplished.

4. Go To Jail

Alternatively titled, yes you called it, Punch a Bitch Out. While whipping it out only entails legal issues if you decide to do it in public, this method will have you spending some quality time with Bubba and his friend Big Bubba no matter where you do it. But seeing that black eye on your conniving, dictatious woman will give you some sense of victory as you're hauled away with a one fingered salute held high.

This is also similar to the last section in that it should be used sparingly, what with that whole Three Strikes Rule nonsense. That gives you a good two times to go Rocky all over some chick's face if you feel insecure enough to not accept defeat in an argument, and those two times will be sweet as hell. After all, victory is all that matters to us grizzled men of action, right?

Right up until about here...