Bella Swan is the lead protagonist in the Twilight series, written by Stephenie Meyer. It should also be noted Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer.
Just The Facts
- Bella Swan lives in the town of Forks, Washington.
- She is currently dating vampire Edward Cullen, whie stringing fellow werewolf Jacob Black along on the side.
- Bella Swan has no personality. (also goes by the name "Mary Sue")
Born Isabella Swan (which means "beautiful swan"- get real, Stephenie), she was spawned by small-town police officer/father Charlie and significantly more interesting mother Renee. She lived in Phoenix, Arizona for most of her life with her divorced mother, but recently decided she did not want to live a happy life in a sunny, overall kickass city and opted to live with her father in the cloudy, emo town of Forks, Washington (which, by the way, has actually attracted tourism since the book's release. Pretty good considering there's absolutely nothing there to see)
I have trees at home. This place is fucking boring.
She enjoys spending her time crying, wondering why she's alive (we wonder that too, Bella, we wonder that too) and wondering why no one loves her (despite the fact that at her school she attracts a million guys - for reasons unknown, I mean, let's look at the competition)
...okay, NOW I see why.
Bella is known for being positively devoid of personality, emotion, any facial expression whatsoever.
The many faces of Bella Swan.
She is also known for being super intelligent, because she listens to music like Clair De Lune, and reads books like Wuthering Heights, because she's just that deep. She's basically portrayed as perfect (because obssessiveness, lack of common sense, and overall deathwish aren't considered character flaws, I guess) The only flaw Stephenie Meyer decided to give this
Mary Sue character was - get this - klutziness. That really isn't a flaw, Steph, unless one uses it in reference to your writing style.
...oh yeah, I went there.
Bella is described (though not as often as Edward - we get it, he's hot) as being freakishly pale, with long brown hair, and chocolate brown eyes. Smaller (and less important) details include:
I KNEW Bella reminded me of someone!
After she becomes a vampire, her eyes turn red, she gets paler, and becomes a vain, insufferable bitch that not even Heidi Montag can identify with.
...there are none.
In The Twilight Series
I'm not going into a full-on explaination, because everyone who hasn't read the books 50 million fucking times has either heard about it from a psychotic fangirl/gay guy, or read about it on humor sites ('cause it's more fun to hear the sarcastic take on things). So I'll just give you the rundown:
- Bella moves to Forks, because she needs an excuse to be emo.
- Guys flock around her on her first day of school, because Steph Meyer wanted
her life her character to be just that awesome.
- Bella meets Edward Cullen, an 108 year old suicidal
virgin vampire, who at first wants to kill her and use her blood for sustanence, but then decides he loves her (many agree the bloodlust storyline would've been better)
- There are 200 pages is describing how hot Edward is.
...I don't see it.
- He sparkles. SPARKLES. And for some reason Bella finds that attractive.
- She's willing to kill herself over him (this goes back to the whole "obssessive thing" we talked about earlier)
- The word "chagrin" is used constantly. CONSTANTLY.
- The plot kicks in around the last 50 pages, with psycho vampires who want to kill Bella (YES! GO WITH IT!!!) but even THAT is made boring with more "Edward hotness" and things to be "chagrined" about.
- Lots of teenage angst is included.
- Bella hates her life (again) because she's turning 18, which brings her THAT much closer to how old Edward is (am I the only one who thinks the whole "108 year old dating an 18 year old" thing is creepy?)
- Because of a papercut, Edward's brother Jasper (who is sufficiently cooler than anyone else, except maybe Alice) tries to attack her, so Edward saves her by pushing her into a glass coffee table.
- Edward, because he made the situation worse by flaying open her arm in a room of ravenous vampires, decides to leave Bella... in the middle of the fucking forest. TO DIE.
- Bella, being the obsessive-dependant chick without a boyfriend to latch onto, goes all catatonia on us and stares out her window for about 7 years (actually, it was only about 3 months, but believe me, that's how long the movie felt)
Damn! That must've been one nice window!
- Bella then decides to develop a replacement boyfriend in Jacob Black, a mechanic who helps her fix up some motorcycles so she can kill herself. Also, hes a werewolf.
- Jacob really likes Bella. Bella doesn't reciprocate.
- The rest of the plot is pretty much Romeo and Juliet with vampires thrown in. There's some vamps from the first book, then the vampire mafia is thrown in for some reason. By the way, Dakota Fanning makes a better vampire than Edward (although, that's not hard to do)
Please, God. TELL ME she doesn't sparkle.
- ...oh, and at the end, Bella decided to reunite with the love of her life, the abusive, negligent vampire Edward, leaving the sweet, caring werewolf Jacob in the dust. What a great message for feminism.
- More teenage angst takes place.
- Nothing but Edward's overprotectiveness issues and Jacob's attraction to Bella,
- Other bad guy from first book appears, but other than that, nothing happens.
- Fucking Angst!!!!!
- Bella is going to marry Edward, officially wrecking her life once she finds out he's gay.
- Bella and Edward get married, because the age of 18 is an excellent time to settle down and get married. Also, Jacob's pissed because this means Bella's gonna become a vampire soon. (Also Also: they haven't told Charlie yet)
Pictured above: Charlie being left in the dark.
- (Finally) on their honeymoon, there is sex (YES!) but it goes by so fast one barely noticed it happened.
Edward Cullen: maybe he's just really bad in bed.
- Then we find out the truth: BELLA'S FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT!!! ONLY TWO WEEKS HAVE GONE BY!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!?
- Then most of it is told from Jacob's point of view, as he finds out she's spawning Rosemary's Baby, watches her wither away to nothing, and he (and us, as the readers) are forced to deal with Bella drinking blood to feed her and the baby.
Holy crap, I think I'm going to be sick.
(Pictured above: Bella's new food source)
- Then she finally gives birth, in the most gruesome way possible: the baby starts eating through her, (because she trips and spills blood, probably Stephenie's way of showing how clumsy Bella is), she vomits a fountain of blood, her spine breaks, and Edward has to eat through her uterus. With his TEETH. I am NOT making this shit up.
Special note: I stole this from another Cracked page.
- Then Edward FINALLY converts her sorry ass into a vampire (instead of letting her die, just as it was getting good) Much of the book is spent reading about "How awesome it is finally being a vampire!" while the readers at home are mourning the loss of the money they wasted in buying the book.
- Meanwhile, after the mutant baby is born, Jacob falls in love with her (in Steph Meyer's universe, this is called "imprinting." in our universe, it's called "sick, raging pedophilia." Also, Jacob officially loses his street cred)
- Some vampire chick sees the baby, realizes it's a fucking mutant, and alerts the vampire mafia, who are sent to destroy it.
- It SEEMS like there will be a fight, but really, no, there isn't. It's Stephenie Meyer! Even Stephen King said she "can't write worth a darn."
Stephen King said that. Yep, you officially suck mutant vampire dick.
- In the end, its happily ever after (until the humans realize they're vampire and fucking kill them all!!!!)
Now THAT'S an ending.
P.S. Yes, I went full-rundown on the books though I said I wouldn't, oh well, it's helping to show just how terrible this series and its characters really are. You'll thank me later.
Special Feature For The Reader
First, this is what Edward and Bella's
kid mutant spawn will look like:
"She's beautiful, and she has your chest hair!"
And now, here's a cute little comic I found on the web! (yaaaay!)
Jacob's reaction to Bella's death (and spawny's birth):
...it's exactly what it looks like.