Iron Man 2

Directed by Jon Favreau (Who also plays Hogan), and starring Kiana Prudhont as Expo Kid, this is the second instalment of the Iron Man franchise.

Red penis may or may not feature in the film.
Red penis may or may not feature in the film.

Just The Facts

  1. I really can't wait till we see a shot of whiplash accidentally whipping himself.
  2. Iron man 3 will feature a female version of iron man, you can totally tell.
  3. One man and his suit can outgun and outfly the entire United States airforce. What gives?

Cracked on Iron Man 2

Seen as the film isn't out yet, let's take a look at the trailer.

Ok so first off we have some fat ass asking Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.)
for the iron man suit. He's like 'Fuck you, fat ass. It's mine', gets a round of applause from the other people in there (for some reason they hold a court procession over this) and he walks out, ego bursting at the seams.
Wait a minute. The American government are unable to just walk the fuck into his house and take it? They have to ask nicely? This is blasphemy of the highest order.
This is madness of the highest order
Next we see Stark ask for a smooch from his lady friend Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), and for ultimate burn, she kisses the helmet, not him. As an added bonus, she throws it out of the fucking plane. At this point, it would be a good decision to throw the bitch out after it, but no, he jumps out, catches it (somehow) and continues on his ego trip.
I'm leaving you for your hat. Kbye.
Then we see whiplash (Mickey Rourke) grinding his ass away in his secret lair making his, wait for it, whips. Why is it that some men can single-handedly create awesome weapons centuries ahead of their time with no effort at all, yet America can't do shit with the billions of dollars thy put into their armed forces? This guy is in his fucking basement and he's making a super villain costume. Who the fuck do they have in charge of the budget? It seems investing in Americans with poor Russian accents is much more worthwhile.
This is where he brings the ladies.
Next, we see whiplash in action chopping shit up with his whips. Somehow he manages to make his way onto the drag strip where Stark is racing without someone saying 'hey, that guy has giant electric whips attached to his arms. I think we should tell somebody', and somehow Stark fails to notice that there's a dude with giant electric whips on his arms stood in front of him, so whiplash chops his fucking car in half, Stark flies out and is left defenceless on the floor.
Now, I don't know about you, but I think the biggest flaw Stark has that he is completely fucking useless without his mech battle suit. So this begs the question, is he really a superhero? Or just a guy with lots of money? And why is he wearing the fantastic four outfit with his name on it?

Only losers wear crash helmets

Lastly, we see Starks and War Machine put down their masks and kick some robot ass. Did the design team get bored? Or is War machine like that kid in The Incredibles who's really just a big fan? Because I see the same fucking suit, just a different colour.
Way to go at copying me, jackass.
Although War machine could kick Iron Man's ass. Look at the picture below. Notice the different combat styles being used. Iron Man is punching metal robots. War Machine is using three different guns at once to take down said robots. That's like trying to beat someone to death with a breadstick, whilst your friend is using a hammer. It's obvious who the idiot is in this situation.
Falcon PAAAAAUUUUUUUNNNNNNCCHHHHHHH
So that just about wraps up Iron Man 2 for the time being, and wait till May 2010 before you can go see it. Until then, watch this space for more on Iron Man 2.
Even superheroes have to use the elevator.