Knights

Does being shiny cannon fodder for Medieval England sound like an awesome idea instead of working part time at the Wal-Mart? if you have a pension for being a woman raping poo shoveler, then step right up you lucky so and so!

Just The Facts

  1. Knighthood started at the age of 8, and was the main "tank" of medieval warfare
  2. You had to have loads of cash to even be considered, your horse alone could cost as much as a modern car these days
  3. The knight was sworn to various oaths of chivalry, many of which contradicted each other

So You Want To Become A Knight(and a bitch)...

For unknown reasons, people never talk about the downside to being a knight. (nevermind, reason: people are dicks. look at what happened to Einstein's academic career) There where only two ways a boy could live out his dream of stabbing others with a sword: either train from an early age via mentoring under a knight (usually garnered as a family tradition), or gaining the decree from valor in combat.

Apprenticeship into knighthood started around 8 where a boy became a page physically training, gaining combat skills as well as balancing out academics. At 16 he was promoted to squire, kind of like a knight's helper. As the knight was a lazy fuck, the squire would dress the him, cook his meals, and tend to his horse and equipment. Which, did we mention, was most of the time full of shit and urine? Other duties included replacing weapons on the battlefield if the knight's were damaged.

"You sure this is necessary?" "Shut up and put the damn flag on me."

After reaching 20, the squire in question could become a knight himself. The ceremony involved the squire fasting and praying the night before, and on the day of, the Lord would "Knight" him by touching him on the shoulder with a sword and proclaiming him a knight (which is where the modern crackpot ceremony came from. Oh look at how far we've fallen)

Squire, new linens! These aren't fabulous enough!

The Immoral Oath

Chivary was a knight's main focus. In the process of "promising" to do good deeds, they often fucked up, badly. Not all was their fault though, most was required to keep reputation or simply because they were greedy bastards. They were often forced to plunder villages for loot and burn churches. Commonfolk were considered weak and most knights were total dicks to them, even to point of defiling peasent women because being upper class meant no consequences.

This guy thought so too.