Santa Claus
Santa Claus is the primary figure of worship for Christians until the age of ten. He is best known for his annual trip around the world in which he breaks into homes to leave toys built by slaves.
Just The Facts
- Santa was based on St. Nicholas of Myra mixed with a series of traits from folklore the Church would rather you forget about.
- Over time, Santa has come to be personified as a jolly, fat man, proving that even Saints can let themselves go.
- Santa is one of the most depicted people in modern media, unless you count "genetalia" as a person.
The Original Jolly Fat Man
The legend of Santa can be traced back to St. Nicholas of Myra, who was a Bishop famous for his generous gift-giving around 300 AD. He is even said to have given three daughters of a pious Christian dowries so they wouldn't have to become prostitutes, making him the patron saint of children and the sworn enemy of perverts. Just like Christmas, the modern image of Santa plagiarizes many ideas from non-Christian religions, including Norse, Dutch, and Germaic folklore.
The modern image of Santa was solidified in the pages of history by Thomas Nast, a famous cartoonist who seemed to have a thing for drawing fat men.
Oh, we see where he got the fat man thing.
In modern times, traditions and customs involving Santa vary from culture to culture. In America, Santa is said to come down the chimneys of good children while everybody is asleep, eat anything laying out nearby, leave tinkertoys, and take off through the use of his magical reindeer. Essentially, the man gets away with billions of accounts of criminal activity every year. However, because of the immense economic boost sending the parents of bad children shopping provides, Santa is considered "too big to fail" and has become above the law. Ask a lawman about bringing Santa in and they're pretend like he doesn't even exist. Fortunately, alert citizens have set up measures to keep this social hazard in check.
The Santa Proof
Many attempts have been made to disprove Santa through science, most probably because physicists need pure children's tears for experimentation. The list of complaints appears thousands of time on the internet, making it nearly as common as Santa-themed porn.
Now do you believe in Santa?
These complaints, while commanding a deep understanding of the physical world show a neglectful-at-best understanding of Santology. Lets take the list of complaints one at a time:
There Are No Flying Reindeer
If these have the right to exist, are flying reindeer so hard to believe?
There are too Many Children
Well, while there are around 2 billion people under 18, Santa only visits Christians (in theory). In addition, he only visits houses with good children. Who are you to decide how Santa decides who is good or bad? Perhaps Santa is like Jehova, only letting a certain number of the best children in on this whole Christmas thing.
While it was once believed that bad children get coal from Santa, which would significantly increase the size of his trip, this is clearly a lie and perpetrated by a Santa-hating imposter. Santa lives at the north pole: him giving bad children the ability to increase CO2 emissions would be like you slapping people outside your house and handing them a sledgehammer.
There Isn't Enough Time!
Oh, naive public. Santa doesn't give presents on Christmas Day everywhere. Some places it's his custom to give gifts on December 6th. It's not all about Jesus, sometimes a man likes to celebrate his own birthday by giving everybody else presents, like a Hobbit. This means, based on varying customs, there are at least four days (December 5th, 6th, 24th, and 25th) that Santa can deliver presents. Include the rotation of the earth and the understanding of relativity, in which a person or thing moving faster ages more slowly, add in some other fancy science words like "theorize" and "signifying the signifier" and you have some damn convincing arguments.
Other Generalized Complaints!
The answer to this is simple: Santa is fucking magic. How does Santa fit in the chimney? He's fucking magic. Why doesn't Santa burn up when going at supersonic speeds in the atmosphere? He's fucking magic. How does Santa control his oppressive communist state of elves so much more effectively than Lenin controlled the USSR? Years of practice. That is, years of practicing magic. Which he fucking is.
Would you be so bold as to say that a magic man can't do things you don't understand? Go ahead; he's watching. Maybe instead of getting nothing this year you get a stocking full of magic death. We're not saying it will happen, we're just saying it does happen.
Santa and Satan
As history has shown us, if you exist somebody has accused you of being Satan or being in league with Satan. Santa is no different . . .
Because of the fundamental flawlessness of any argument consisting almost entirely of contextless photos and set to the soundtrack of ominous tonal chanting, we are only capable of agreeing that Santa is Satan, or "Santan", and we would like to encourage you to run a quick check to make sure you are not also Satan:
I'm Satan! Mwa ha ha! Now I will...Uh...Tell people to masturbate or something!
ReplyWell s**t I am from the south that means I am satan...
Replylook up magic mushrooms and santa on youtube.
ReplyJonBenet Ramsey link... lulz.
ReplyLast!
ReplyYes! The reason Santa can do all the things he can is because he is f*****g MAGIC.
ReplyFinally, someone said it.
Okay, I thought the video was seriously accusing Santa Claus of being Satan until the Admiral Ackbar at the end.
ReplyYou tricky, sexy troll, you.
I bet you can name more Riendeer than apostles.
ReplyBest statement ever.
This is awesome!
ReplyMatthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Thomas, Judas
ReplyDonner, Nixon, Blitson, (does Rudolph count)
Don't forget James.
Nixon?!? Holy hell, that made me laugh, well done :D
There's the same amount of evidence to support both Santa or Jesus, so I'm torn. Do I go with the guy who likes kids as much as MJ did, or do I go with the guy who has two completely different geneologies listed (one in Matt 1:1 and a different one in Luke 3:23) and two completely different birth places (Mark and John say Nazareth, and Luke and Matthew say Bethlehem) listed in his magic book?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesPerhaps when you have some qualifications in historical study your ignorant comments will mean something, but until then...
The different genealogies are accepted by scholars as being Joseph's and Mary's respectively, Matthew identifies Jesus' birthplace as Bethlehem, Mark doesn't specifically identify his birthplace, Luke identifies Bethlehem, John likewise doesn't identify his birthplace. Indeed John and Mark skip childhood and go straight to the adult Jesus, a normal pattern for ancient biography. Magic book? No, a fairly normal collection of ancient writings, quite understandable within its cultural milieu.
Come back when you're tall enough for this ride.
"Perhaps when you have some qualifications in historical study your ignorant comments will mean something"
So having arbitrary qualifications suddenly makes ignorant comments meaningful and true? That explains so much.
Jason, read up on zoroastrianism: jesus was just a plagiarism of Mithra. Birthdate, mirecles, nicknames, "son of god", resurection... took it all from Mithra.
Did Santa ever turn water into wine? Nay!
Replyhe turns water into egg nog.
it is spelled "genitalia". geez, louise.
Replythat video made my stomach clench
Replyis the video suggesting the pope is santa/jesus/god/saturn/satin?
ReplyAre you suggesting he's not?
That link at the end of "The Santa Proof" is the most messed up thing in the whole article if not ever.
ReplyFalse, linking to JonBenet Ramsey's Wikipedia page is.
the f**k is wrong with this article´s links lol
I figured out the Santa mystery the other week. It's actually very simple. Time travel and immortality. Boom. You're welcome.
ReplyBecause he's a Timelord.
So in the family section, seems like having God as your father would take that category.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, but God was mostly a deadbeat dad, wasn't he? He didn't even get off his fat ass for post bail for his kid!
Plus there was the whole never giving him a present on his birthday, leaving his mom at birth, generally not being there to show support to all of his important feats (omniscience doesn't count. Not to the child it doesn't...)
and the fact that his son had to ask his father, "why have you forsaken me?" really takes points away from the whole "my dad is God" since he, ya know, forsook him. Also, God waited three days to get his son up to Heaven from Hell. What the hell was he waiting for? The bail bond offices to open up on Monday?
Actually Jesus performed WAY more miracles than the fish and bread thing. He turned water to wine (good for any party), cured diseases, brought the dead back to life, and brought HIMSELF back to life. So yeah, Jesus wins.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesWill Jesus give me an Xbox for Christmas? I think not. FAIL.
Jesus will give you eternal love and happiness for Christmas...
He's keeping the XBox for himself to play Call of Duty and 'splode some heads. "Take that turrorists! You hate ma freedom, dontcha! Pew pew! Jesus Wins!"
Jesus beat chuck norris in call of duty. That's how awesome he is.
Santa has never died so I dunno if he can bring himself back to life
Sweet Zombie Jesus!
But apparently, Jesus' birthday was not December 25th. It was most likely somewhere around June.
Reply Hide All See All 12 RepliesYou are wrong Jesus was born during Krunxtember.
Actually jesus never even existed, there's no evidence for his existence. And, x-mas was a holiday stolen from the pagans, it wasn't exaclty like the x-mas we now know though, but the x-tians put the supposed jesus birth around this time so that it'd be with the pagan one, and you may know why they wanted it like that...Great artile BTW
Oh, quite true, no evidence of Jesus existence whatsoever apart from the Bible, but of course we exclude that as evidence because the writers had their own agendas so quite true, no evidence. Well, apart from the non-Christian writings of Thallus, Pliny the Younger, the Sanhedrin, Lucian of Samosata, Mara Bar-Serapio and the non-Biblical Gnostic Gospels. I mean, you certainly couldn't conclude more evidence of Jesus existence than of 99% of people who are living now. How ridiculous...
1. If we are to use the bible as evidence for Jesus' existence, then we should also use it for the existence of giants, and cockatrice.
2. All of the writers you have listed mentioned Jesus several decades (the nearest being 2) after Jesus's supposed death, so they are hardly credible. Lucian of Samosata is especially not worth quoting in this instance because he was not a historian but a satirist. Almost everything he wrote was extremely biting and sarcastic, so if he wrote of Jesus it is likely he is making fun of people who believe in him (seeing as he was born at least 100 years after Jesus was supposed to have died.)
3. The Gnostic Gospels were written 200-400 years after Jesus' supposed death.
Listen, I'm not a christian, but it's downright stupid to say that Jesus didn't exist. He almost certainly did.
^Obvious Christian is obvious.
@Dane
You said that the nearest any of those guys wrote asbout Jesus was 2 decades after his death.20 years.
Uhh?I figure that's pretty credible,mostly because 20 years isn't a HUGE difference and the guy mightve actually seen Jesus before,yknow?
The existence of MANY people are only confirmed by iffy texts. Gilgamesh the King, Tutankhamen. Do any of us even exist. I can't see you people. YOU DO NOT EXIST. THIS IS BUT A DREAM!!! AHHH!! AHHHHHHHH!!!
Actually there is quite a lot studies that say that Jesus did exist. He was a prophet, yes, but all that miracle stuff/son of god is highly unlikely. Oh and yeah he was born somwhere around june. Even the bible says so. As Overload mentioned the holiday was just refitted so it would be easier to "pagans" to adopt christianity. Almost all of the holidays work the same way.
come on. the Crucifixion of a prophet Jesus of Nazareth is recorded in roman PAGAN texts weather he did do all those miracles and sermons may be bullshit but he most definitely existed. june was apparently when the three kings or what ever came to them.
also the Christmas traditions of the tree and the fat norsman dude were all Germanic/Gothic traditions to make the transition of the paganism to Catholicism simpler.
The way I had always heard it (which of course can be taken with a grain of salt just like everything) was that, as mtrigger said, there are official ancient records regarding the crucifixion of a man named Jesus Christ. He was also said to be a prophet. So it comes down to whether you believe in the authenticity of those documents, and then whether you think he was a miraculous savior of divine heritage or just some crazy ancient cult leader.
By the way, it was never actually stated that Jesus died upon the cross. Multiple studies and the Qu'ran both say that Jesus was replaced with another person, most likely (forgot name... guy who betrayed Jesus). He then just came back and everyone assumed that he came back from the dead.