Kobe Bryant

Kobe Bryant is widely considered to be the most unstoppable force on the face of the planet. Because of this, if any word describes Kobe Bryant, it is "rapist." If there are two words, it's "rapist" and "dickhole."

And so it begins...

Hilariously, he would.

Just The Facts

  1. Kobe Bryant is 6 ft. 6 in. and 205 lbs. of pure chocolate fantasy for a lucky 19 year-old girl.
  2. This 19 year-old girl is blissfully unaware of her chocolate fantasy.
  3. Rape is a felony.

Cracked on Kobe

Over the course of his time in the NBA, Kobe Bryant has overcome tremendous obstacles that often derail most NBA careers: the soul crushing weight of his own ego, the limits of Constitutional rights and the pool of despair behind the eyes of Andrew Bynum. Despite Kobe's ability to bounce back from these career-threatening issues, he steadfastly refuses to let fans pigeonhole him with phrases like "role model," "decent human being" or "not a rapist."

In 1996, the Charlotte Hornets made Kobe Bryant the 13th pick of the NBA draft. While most 17 year-olds were taking a deserved drunken beating for stealing their dad's credit card, Kobe was signing a multi-million dollar contract. He would have been more grateful for this had he not discovered that Charlotte was located in North Carolina - a state disturbingly close to South Carolina. This caused him to demand the Hornets stop fucking around and trade him to the Lakers immediately. The state of North Carolina promptly gave up on becoming a respectable state.

Seriously...beat it.

This is much to the delight of Los Angeles Lakers fans - most of whom are illiterate convicts and aspiring sexual assaulters (Source: my bias).

I didn't do it...but she totally wanted it, anyways.

The player Lakers fans deserve...not the one they need.

Basketball Career

Over the course of his career, Kobe has amassed a list of notable achievements in the NBA: he has been All-Star MVP, NBA MVP and NBA Finals MVP. He has even won 4 championships so far in his NBA career - including 3 while riding the talent of a dominating Shaquille O'Neal.
Despite being handicapped by the rotting corpse of Adam Morrison, Kobe would go on to win 1 championship without Shaq, powered by his intense concentration, undying will and the sweet joy siphoned from babies.
The laughter of a child is truly the best medicine.
The laughter of children is truly the best medicine.
Behind Kobe's veteran leadership, the 2008 U.S. Men's Olympic basketball team beat their foes with the rage, grace and entitlement of a young Ike Turner, eventually winning a gold medal. Players would later share that Kobe had given the team important tips such as "always impose your will," "if your opponent puts down their guard, attack" and, of course, "no blood, no foul."
Not another screamer! LOL

Not another screamer...LOL.

Of course, we had our warnings...

Greatness off the court.

Kobe wins rape.
Kobe always wins.
Never back down. Never give up.
Fact: Kobe Bryant misunderstands the phrase "no blood, no foul."
In 2003, a 19 year-old Colorado hotel employee named Katelyn Faber filed a sexual assault complaint against Kobe. The police report proved that nothing happened other than simple battery and forced sex - this baffled Kobe, as he describes this as "Tuesday." The sticking point apparently came when Kobe asked to "cum on her face." Given that this is his thing, it was extremely lucky that it was never discussed during his Nutella endorsement contract negotiations.
It's better when it's all over your face.
Kobe knows nutspreads.
He would later explain the miscommunication, stating that "I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did." Presumably, not as rape. This turned out to not be a problem for the prosecution, who took the classy route of painting the victim as a cum-guzzling crazy slut.
McDonald's immediately terminated their endorsement contract with Kobe, because the McAssault Sandwich wasn't ready yet. However, Nike kept their endorsement contract intact because the slogan "Just Do It" painted the whole situation a fantastic hue of fun and confusion.

For women in Colorado, this is known as "Pants-Shitting Terror."
Kobe's wife, Vanessa, nearly left him due to this incident. This would be an issue for Kobe, as sexual assault is only fun if you're also committing adultery. Kobe quickly put this issue to rest by acquiring a blood diamond for her that sparkles with the souls of thousands of African children. This move, combined with his self-given nickname of "Black Mamba," proves that while Kobe Bryant has absolutely never been to Africa, he finds the countries' daily struggles to be completely hilarious.
If Africans could read English, this would totally not be funny.
If Africans spoke English, this would be totally not funny.