Fucktards

Whether it’s the dick that cut you off in traffic, the annoying little shit that’s just being himself, or someone making a painfully obvious bad decision, chances are, you will come across a fair number of Fucktards in the course of a normal day

Just The Facts

  1. Fucktards are everywhere.
  2. Anyone can be a Fucktard regardless of intellect or education.
  3. Fucktards act fucking retarded.

Celebrity Fucktards

Celebrities are not immune to Fucktardedness; in fact they are ten times more likley to reach the distinction and provide us with a never ending parade of their Fucktarded exploits to feed our endless appetite for all things sensational. At one moment they are on top of the world, basking in the glory and splendor of mass appeal, and in another they are the number one Fucktard front and center.

Celebrity Fucktards:

Britney Spears

1999: The teen queen in all her splendor and at the height of her appeal; a new star is born. Every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to do her. Even the notorious purple Teletubby seems impressed.

Britney in full Fucktard mode: Two kids, two marriages, (well just one kinda') and the pressures of being a public figure struggling to keep up the appearances of a life that cabals of agents, managers, and stylists have created without losing yourself can be a tall order.

Poor Britney was not in it alone though. We could hardly mention her without acknowledging this self made Fucktard of the highest degree. Ladies and gentlemen the king (or queen rather) of Fucktardom stardom and all around little bitch, Chris Crocker. What could be sadder than watching a beloved star fall into the realm of Fucktards? Oh yeah, thanks Chris.

It's no joke Chris... You are a Fucktard. some Fucktards just can't come back once they cross, though I suspect this case is terminal. There may however be a few prescriptions available.

Fortunately for both Britney and her fans she shows signs of been able to make a return from the brink of total Fucktardation. The same cannot be said for our next subject:

David Hasselhoff

In the 80s it was mandatory to be a Fucktard, the evidence for this is overwhelming, and there were few exceptions. In the era of strange haircuts, new wave synth pop, mall rats, leg warmers, and a blurred line between what was totally rad and really really gay - Fucktards reigned supreme. David Hasselhoff was a product of this amalgam of day glow Fucktardation fueled on good coke and leotards; and as I said before, sometimes they just don't come back.
Three things spring to mind when thinking of David Hasselhoff:
Knight Rider...
KITT and Michael Knight lookin' for ladies in the 80s
Baywatch...
Serious definition of the Hoff
and shitty music marketed to the Germans.
Do bist der shizer, David Hasselhoff!
You can blame the Fucktardation of Knight Rider on the era and give David a pass on that one. You can hardly fault his Fucktardation in Baywatch when he brought so many bouncing titties and gratuitous crotch shots to an international audience.
But there is absolutely no forgiving him for this shit...

Uber Fucktard, ja! All I can say is that the mass popularity of material like that without the aid of a cool car or bouncing titties must indicate that the Germans have lost something in translation. Either that or there is some residual punishment still being imposed on them by some undisclosed orders of Eisenhower from the end of WWII.

Hasselhoff is the quintessential celebrity Fucktard. The man has a Midas touch when it comes to making money off of stupid shit. His history of Fucktardation is well documented but recent stints in rehab and other outlandish and embarrassing behavior is taking him to new stellar levels of Fucktardation.

Wouldn't every father be proud to have his daughter film him like this?...

It would seem that Celebrity Fucktards simply cannot stand prosperity, at the height of wealth and popularity they choose to do something fucking retarded that puts it all in jeopardy. Some are able to regroup and recover while others remain forever branded a Fucktard.

Celebrities are not the only public figures displaying Fucktarded behavior that threatens to undo what years of preparation and sacrifice have made possible:

Sports Fucktards

Celibrities in their own right, sports figures publicly dismantel themselves on the world stage. Here are a few current choices for your pleasure in all their Fucktarded majesty.

Michael Phelps

That's right , yo. I don't need no mustache an shit...

The golden boy of the 2004 and 2008 Olympics and America's most popular swimmer since Mark Spitz took seven gold medals at one games back in the glory days of patriotic Speedos and porn mustaches.

Always a Champion...

I'm a dry this shit and smok it, yo. Fuckin' limpics hat, yo.

Often a douche...

Ya'll wanna' go get some bitches and shit, yo?

And definitely a Fucktard.

Aside from the fact that every time he opens his mouth in an interview without the same level of coaching as it takes to do what he does in the pool, we are reminded that he's a moose, Michael has embraced Fucktardation as consistently as he trains. It is not so much that he was smoking pot when a photo of him was taken whilst hitting the bong like a swim bunny hits his cock, but rather the fact that it really isn't the first time (or the worst time) that he's fucked up.

"He's a kid, he made a mistake, he apologized," didn't we hear that a few years ago? Oh yeah, back in 2004 after competing in his second Olympics, Phelps pled guilty to DUI and was placed on probation for eighteen months. This is far worse than any random bong hit and much more worthy of a true Fucktard nomination but everyone seemed to have more or less forgotten that one.

Six months after the bong hit photos Phelps was fined for driving with an invalid license. Pause and get your shit together, Mike. How far into your mid twenties will you be able to use the stupid kid excuse? How long will that still be cool?

It is clear that he needs handlers and has at best a scant concept of what it means to be under public scrutiny. You are the best at what you do, Michael - Be a champion, party like a rock star, but for chri'sakes get some wits about you boy... You're not in the NFL, dawg. Naawmean?

Tiger Woods

They say that a leopard never changes his spots, but can a Tiger change his stripes?

My downstairs is as well maintained as the green at Pebble Beach, I'm Tiger Woods.

A lifetime of accolades...

not your average pimp cup.

multimillion dollar endorsements...

Do you have a little Tiger in you? Want some?

a bombshell model wife...

The old ball and chain.

and an almost supernatural ability on the golf course...

Half of these things would be more than enough for most, but not Tiger. Do you know who he is? He's fucking Tiger Woods! His ball sack gets carried around by someone else and he's hitting with a nine iron, bitches! This is the attitude you develop when you start to worship yourself as much as everyone else does, and you've become accustomed to having the worst thing that could happen be coming up short in a tournament and still getting paid millions.

This is when the stupid shit you thought you could get away with comes to visit... This when you become a Fucktard.

Talent, success, fame, and money can never protect you from yourself.

Is Tiger the first guy to cheat on his wife? The answer is undoubtedly no, but cheating on your wife with a bunch of rank whores is Fucktarded. Being a beloved sports figure that is a legend in your own time just amplifies the Fucktardation as your life spins out of control for all to see.

Everyday Fucktards

We have covered some examples of Fucktards in the public eye, but there are a pleura of garden variety Fucktards who exist without the spotlight pointed on them. These are the people you see every day, the people that do things that leave you reeling and wondering just what in the hell this fucking retard is thinking.

It could be their outfit...

their cry for attention...

Their lack of consideration...

membership in a specific group...

or all of the above...

Ahhhhhh sooky sooky!

whatever the case may be, a Fucktard is easy to spot.

In almost all cases, Fucktards earn the distinction as the result of poor decisions. And almost everyone has had experience with their own Random Acts of Fucktardation.

Step on a rake... Fucktard!

A handstand too close to the edge of the pool... Fucktard!

Walk into a post and bash your face... Fucktard! The list goes on and on.

Throughout your day you will encounter Fucktards of all forms and have many opportunities to join them in Fucktardery. The club is not exclusive and membership is open.