O'Douls

O'Douls is a non-alcoholic beverage. Going to the liquor store to buy O'Douls is like going to the music store to buy bread. I once knew a guy who had smoked grass, like actual grass off the ground, I'm betting he's moved onto O'Douls.

At first his children were sad, but when they realized it was O'Douls they were just ashamed.

If only we could all be this cool....

Fake beer is one thing, but I got to have my smokes.

Just The Facts

  1. Used as baby formula in Ireland. In this particular Cracked Topic, baby formula stands for practical joke.
  2. Serves no worthwhile purpose to society. (Similar: Bernie Madoff, Marilyn Manson, ugly chicks)
  3. If your designated driver is having O'Douls at the function (party, bar), hit him/her over the head with the bottle until they are unconscious, continue to drink alcoholic beverages, then drive them to the hospital, drop them off at the door and go back to the party. Someone will help them. Seriousl

If you're reading this, you've already looked WAY TOO FAR into O'Douls. It is HORRIBLE.

O'Douls is a non-alcoholic beer. First off, beer is an alcoholic beverage. Whoever invented O'Douls must have been the worst brewer ever. Surely non-alcoholic beer was a mistake, but why is this mistake being made over and over again, and even being advertised. The fact that it is still in production means there is a market for it. Someone wants this product, some confused soul actually believed the beer snobs when they said they drank it for the taste. O'Douls is barely even beer, its closer to soda if you think about it. Beer soda, because you want the worst of two worlds.

But who drinks the stuff?

The fact that O'Douls is still in production means that Anheuser-Busch has found a market for their bottled lies. Some in depth research reveals that in many states you do not have to be 21 to buy O'Douls.

Too cool for Root Beer, too young for a fake I.D.

Too cool for root beer, too young for a fake I.D.

There is one problem with this market though, beer taste like ass. Most people don't like there first beer, but they struggle on for that sweet sweet feeling of waking up some where you've never been before. Kids love sugar, and after awhile given the choice most will buy a coke from the store and score some weed from that shady guy that hangs by the field when the junior varsity softball team practices.

Another group that might be interested in this product are recovering alcoholics. They want to change their lives, sober up, become new men and women, but dammit they want to have their beer and drink it too.

I can give up the alcohol no problem, but that taste, well you can only push a man so far!

The problem with this market is that if you're a recovering alcoholic and you can't give up beer, thats like a crack head trying to kick by smoking arm and hammer.

Which leaves Assholes who want to drink without actually drinking, but there is some new competition for this demographic.

Just tell yourself that its a harmless prank...

Should I drink it?

No, and you should be ashamed that you even asked such a stupid question! If you were stranded on a desert island and you had a cooler full of O'Douls you should throw it into the sea, that way you can at least die with some dignity. Although that does bring up the question of why you had a cooler full of O'Douls in the first place.