Kiefer Sutherland

AKA Jack Bauer. 'Nuff said.

A Brief History of Time (In Kiefer's Life Before "24")

Kiefer William Fredrick Dempsey George Rufus Sleepy Doc Sutherland graced the world with his presence on December 21, 1966. His mother is the famous Canadian actress Shirley Douglas, and his dad was some small time actor.

Kiefer grew up mostly in Los Angeles and Toronto, where he learned how to survive on seal blubber jerky, and mastered the time-honored Canadian tradition of igloo engineering.

Featured: Kiefer's grade 10 yearbook photo.

In 1984, a National Geographic photographer caught a glimpse of Kiefer while hunting polar bears, and decided to reccommend to his Canadian filmmaker friend that he be cast in a film called "The Bay Boy".

The movie was seen by 3 dozen people, and it remains the highest-grossing Canadian film to date.

Riding high on his newfound success, he struck out for Hollywood. Immediate success followed with his roles in "Stand By Me", "The Lost Boys", and "Young Guns". He had conquered the 'biz with his intense good looks, his sexy voice, his bad-boy smirk, and the almost total elimination of his Canadian accent thanks to months of intense voice lessons.

"I'M ABOOT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD...ah, shit! Gary, we need more lessons."

The Ones Who Must Not Be Named Years

As Kiefer rode high on his success, he met and fell madly in love with a certain young popular actress. The mere mention of her name is enough to send Kiefer into a killing rampage to this day, so we'll play it safe and give her an alias. Let's call her... Pulia Booberts. Yes, that will do.

They were the "Brangelina" of their time. Paparazzi stalked the couple constantly, and the media frenzy had been whipped up to apocalyptic proportions the weeks prior to their wedding.

Featured: Pulia Booberts and Sutherland.

Then, in a twist that shocked everyone to their very cores, Pulia pulled a Runaway Bride and ditched LA for Europe with- are you ready for this?- HIS BEST FRIEND. Again, due to the Keef's rage issues, we'll call him "Bacon Jackstrip".

Actual paparazzi photo of Pulia and Bacon fleeing the country.

Although the Keef and Pulia would later claim that the breakup was mutual, she went on to quickly marry this guy:

We're thinking Kiefer really dodged a bullet here.

The Keef Today

Kiefer Sutherland has become an international superstar due to the phenomenon of "24". He plays Jack Bauer, an immortal CTU agent determined to save the world, one heart attack and ball-zapping episode at a time. He's so good that urban legends have determined that Kiefer Sutherland does not play Jack Bauer, because Jack Bauer gets played by no one.

He has also replaced veteran badass Chuck Norris as the world's most dominant force of nature/badassery, as seen by the sign posted outside of Norris' Texas ranch:

The Keef and The Law

Being Jack Bauer's alter ego does require being constantly badass, so the Keef has run afoul of The Man a few times in the past few years.

One such incident was his DUI arrest in 2007. While it's never cool to drink and drive, what the media didn't tell you was that the Keef had simply replaced all the blood in his body with 141 proof hootch, and was driving to the Chinese embassy to projectile launch himself into the buildling, Molotov-cocktail style, in order to save the world, yet again.

We appreciate it, but next time, get Curtis to drive, okay?

Next up was a headbutting incident in NYC in 2009. The Keef was mackin' on Brooke Shields when fashion designer Jack McCollough sidled up to him, interrupted the convo, and proceeded to detail just how big his own gun was. Naturally, the Keef responded with no words- why would he, when a headbutt will do? It's simple, to the point, and effective.

Now, we don't advocate violence against gay people at all, but again, what the media didn't tell you was that the Keef did the same thing to Meg Ryan when she tried to pick him up:

"Ow! My dignity!"

The Keef's Future

What's next for The Keef? If it ain't broke, don't fix it! He'll be playing a murderous, cracked out drug dealer named Lionel in the upcoming film "Twelve", due out in 2010. As awesome as that character sounds, it'll be interesting to see how it affects his endorsement deals.

"Have you driven a mothahfuckin' Ford lately?"