Caps Lock

CAPS LOCK IS CURRENTLY USED TO EXPRESS EXTREME ANGER OR EMOTION. OR STUPIDITY.

Billy Mays approves of this topic.

Just The Facts

  1. YOU CAN FIND A CAPS LOCKED COMMENT BY GOING TO ANY YOUTUBE VIDEO AND SCROLLING TO THE COMMENTS.
  2. USING CAPS LOCK MAKES YOU LOOK IMPORTANT.
  3. BILLY MAYS USED CAPS LOCK, IRL
  4. ALWAYS USE CAPS LOCK

CRACKED ON CAPS LOCK

PEOPLE USE CAPS LOCK FOR MANY REASONS. NO MATTER IF YOU NEED TO EXPRESS ANGER, SADNESS, JOY, HOW STUPID YOU ARE, OR YOU JUST NEED TO GET SOME WELL DESERVED ATTENTION, CAPS LOCK IS THERE FOR YOU. PLEASE TAKE A JORNY JOURNY TRIP WITH ME AS WE DISCOVER WHY EXACTLY CAPS LOCK IS THE PERFECT SENTENCE ENHANCER.

ANGER

SOMETIMES THAT VIDEO OF THAT ONE GUY EXPRESSIG HIS DISLIKE FOR YOUR POLITICAL PARTY IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE, PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO CONVEY YOUR LOATHING FOR THEIR OBVIOUSLY RIDICULOUS VIEW ON GOVERNMENT. ONLY ONE PROBLEM, THIS PERSON MOST LIKELY GETS THOSANDS OF EMAILS, FROM INTELLIGENT PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU. WHAT IS A PERSON TO DO IN A TIME LIKE THIS? CAPS LOCK IT! CAPS LOCK EFFECIANTLY GETS YOUR ANGER ACROSS THE VOID OF CYBER-SPACE. TAKE THIS EXTRAVAGANT COMMENT FOR EXAMPLE.

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I'm shitting my pants.

SADNESS

SAY, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU JUST LOST YOUR BRAND NEW JONAS BROTHERS CD. THE VERY FIRST THING YOU DO IS POST IT ON FACEBOOK. YOU POUR YOUR LITTLE BROKEN HEART OUT ON YOUR STATUS UPDATE, POST IT, THEN SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR THE SYMPATHY TO COME ROLLING IN. BUT ONE PROBLEM. NO ONE NOTICES! THE INTERNET SHOWS YOU JUST HOW MUCH IT CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SEXY POP BOY BAND. BUT DON'T GIVE UP! REMEMBER, CAPS LOCK IS THERE TO HELP YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED. JUST DELETE THE STATUS AND CAPS LOCKIT! VOILA! EVERYONE IN YOUR NETWORK WILL INSTANTLY FEEL AN IRRESISTIBLE URGE TO SHOW YOU HOW SORRY THEY ARE FOR YOUR LOSS. TAKE THIS MAGNIFICENT STATUS UPDATE FOR EXAMPLE.

:(

JOY

SO YOU HAD A WONDERFUL DAY. YOU WOKE UP TO A SYMPHONY OF BIRDS, GOT PROMOTED AT WORK, AND GOT LAID BY YOUR SUPER HOT GIRLFRIEND. NOW ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TELL ALL TWO PEOPLE WHO READ YOUR BLOG ABOUT YOUR BREATHTAKING DAY. ONCE YOU FINISH TYPING EVERYTHING UP, YOU NOTICE THAT SOMETHING IS MISSING. WHAT COULD IT BE? PERHAPS YOU FORGOT TO CAPS LOCK IT? YOU CHECK, AND SURE ENOUGH, NO CAPS LOCK. WHAT TO DO?

Wait, seriously? You don't know what to do? I mean, it IS kind of becoming a running joke in this lesson. Anyway, let's keep going.

CAPS LOCK IT! THAT IS RIGHT! ONCE AGAIN, CAPS LOCK IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY! TAKE THIS HEROIC BLOG POST AS AN EXAMPLE!

STUPIDITY

ARE YOU A DUMBASS? DOES THE WORD "IDIOT" ONLY SCRATCH THE SURFACE WHEN DESCRIBING YOU? ARE YOU A MASTER OF THE IGNORANT ARTS? WELL, CAPS LOCK CAN HELP YOU IN THIS AREA AS WELL. SOMETIMES, IT CAN BE QUITE DIFFICULT TO COMMUNICATE JUST HOW THICK YOU ARE. SOMETIMES YOU NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT SAYS, "HEY! I AM NOT JUST YOUR RUN OF THE MILL IMBICILE!" THIS IS WHERE CAPS LOCK CAN HELP YOU, AND ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS PUSH THAT LITTLE BUTTON. HOWEVER, DO NOT THINK JUST TYPING THE SAME THING OVER IN CAPS WILL CUT IT. OH NO, YOU ARE NOT EXPRESSING ANGER OR SADNESS ANYMORE. WHEN SHOWING YOUR EXTREME DISLIKE FOR INTELLIGENCE, THE CAPS LOCK KEY WORKS BEST IN CONJUNCTION WITH HORRIBLE GRAMMAR TAKE THIS WONDROUS EMAIL AS AN EXAMPLE.

NEED FOR ATTENTION

EXPRESSING STUPIDITY, CALLING OUT FOR ATTENTION REQUIRES MORE THAN PURE CAPS LOCK. AGAIN, CAPS LOCK WILL HELP YOU IN THIS PREDICAMENT. MISSPELLINGS AND POOR GRAMMAR ARE OPTIONAL. ONE THING IS ALMOST ALWAYS REQUIRED:

LARGE, FLASHY, MULTICOLERED TEXT!!

(IN ALL CAPS, OF COURSE) ALSO, CHOICE OF VENUE IS KEY WHEN ATTRACTING ATTENTION. SITES LIKE FACEBOOK.COM DO NOT ALLOW THE USE OF INDIVIDUALISM. SO FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS LESSON YOU WILL USE MYSPACE.COM WHICH IS THE PREMIER WEBSITE FOR ATTENTION SEEKING WHORES. CUSTOMIZATION OF YOUR PROFILE PAGE ALLOWS FOR MAXIMUM ATTENTION POTENTIAL. TAKE THIS LEGENDARY MYSPACE PAGE AS AN EXAMPLE!

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