Tech Support

If you live in modern society, chances are good that you've called tech support at least once. We're here to explain why that is always a bad idea.

This is what you picture when you call...

...and this is what actually happens.

Just The Facts

  1. Tech support is defined as any service you call when you need help clearing your desktop of porn pop-ups.
  2. One out of Five help desk techs is actually a decomposing dead body, but no one notices because call centers already smell like ass and despair.
  3. Before you ask: yes, your ISP's tech support reps have searched through your email at least once. They know everything about you.

Tier 1 Tech Support

These are the people you first reach when you call tech support. The hold music you've been listening to for the last 20 minutes has found a way to physically take up room inside your head, and now the muzak version of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" is rudely crotch-grinding the backs of your eyeballs.

In this metaphor, your eyes are Baby, the muzak is Johnny, and that weird sticky sensation is something you probably don't want to get in your mouth.

Then, almost as if by some good and anti-brain-fucking magic: a voice! A real human voice! You rush through the description of your problem, thankful for the person at the other end of the phone, only to be interrupted mid-way through to be asked for your name and telephone number. It is at this point that you should realize there is no help to be gotten from this person, because they are terminally retarded.

He's not being smug. He's trying very hard not poop his dideys.

Not to worry, though, because it's not like this is the last person you have the option of talking to. Your call could be punted to either another helpless tier 1 lackey who will ask you what color your mouse pad is, or to the billing department where they still use Windows 95 and communicate primarily through grunts and flung feces, or, if the phone system will allow it, you could even be kicked to Dell's customer service center in Dubai where they will be more than very thank you please for to be helping with you.

To be fair, Tier 1 techs are not all drooling imbeciles. In fact, some of them are hungover college students mouth-barfing their way through an early shift and trying very hard not to ruin their chairs with burrito-style beer shits. It is this second kind of tech that is most helpful: they usually don't care enough about your problems to waste time making you open Task Manager six times, but are smart enough to know the secret code words necessary to escalate your call to the next tier.

Tier 2

Contrary to popular belief, Tier 2 employees are not actually tech support reps. They are computer-competent people who have have had their souls crushed into fine powder by the work they do, and spend their evenings crying and jerking off to wanted ads for Programming positions.

The tier 2 tech's sole function is to sigh, roll their eyes, and admonish all the tier 1s to JFGI. Then they go back to browsing Fark or Reddit while calculating how many Red Bulls it would take to turn their kidneys into urine-flavored gruel. Most of them do not even speak, having long-ago lost their ability to effectively communicate right around the three thousandth time someone asked them if a wireless router needs to be plugged in.

One helpful thing the Tier 2 people can do is escalate repair tickets. HOWEVER-

Repair Techs

Repair techs are mythical creatures once thought to freely roam the plains of the United States, splicing fiber optic cable and burying DSL lines as they went. They were believed to have magical powers that allowed them to run CAT-5 and install phone jacks without disturbing a single bit of your bandwidth, all while cheerily going the extra mile to actually appear at their next assigned destination within three hours.

Modern zoologists are baffled by the persistent mythos of the repair tech. Evidence has shown that ISPs employ a fleet of repair trucks, and specifically refer to repair techs in their official documentation. Thus far, no investigation has yet proven them to actually exist, though evidence has been found on or around sites where the repair tech has purportedly been sighted:

If you actually manage to find one of these magical beasts, remember: do not look directly at him and never ask him questions. Repair techs are thought to be extremely nervous around things such as people, computers, and physical labor.

Tier 1, Again!

Now that you have gone through the entire process of brain-grinding hold music, cataclysmically stupid tier 1 techs, mute and soulless tier 2 techs, and have given up on hunting for the mythical repair techicorn, you are ready to begin the process anew. At this point, you may ask yourself, "Why should I do all this again? I already got my problem fixed!"

This is you, only with less crying.

But you have forgotten one simple fact: tech support companies make money based on the volume of calls they take. If they fixed everything the first time, they wouldn't need to hire hundreds of drooling cretins and, more importantly, wouldn't be granted enormous contracts from ISPs.

What's that? Oh, you mean you didn't know that most ISPs don't provide their own tech support? It's true! In fact, there's a pretty good chance that the "help desk solutions" company that acts as the tech support arm of your ISP uses a completely different ISP for their internet service. This makes sense from a practical standpoint, but you kind of have to wonder if the tech support company didn't just think to itself, "Christ, these guys' internet service sucks. Let's go with... basically anyone else."