High School Football
For most of us being a teenager involves unsuccessfully trying to grow a mustache, unsuccessfully trying to fit in and unsuccessfully trying to score with chicks. For high school football players though ... it's the best time of their life.
Just The Facts
- The chance of a high school football player going pro is actually about 0.08 percent.
- The chance of catching genital herpes is about 20 percent.
Why Bother?
Whether you love football or hate it, there is no denying that the atmosphere of a packed NFL stadium on game day is hard to beat. But if you don't live in a large city with a pro football team then what are you supposed to do?
Well, all across America small towns decide to root for their local high school football team instead, elevating pubescent boys to the status of professional sports stars in their community.
Now to most of us this is the equivalent of choosing watching two teenagers in Staind hoodies backyard wrestling in a parking lot instead of watching professional boxing, but apparently for a lot of people across America, it's a suitable alternative.
Forget Ali vs. Frazier... THIS is where it's at!
The High School Football Life Cycle
What with pep rallies, cheerleaders, homecomings and fundraisers, some high school football players actually believe that the attention they get at school will last into their adulthood. This is a problem.
Unfortunately being able to throw a ball or outrun a high school student won't help you much in the real world. When that realization kicks in there's only one thing to do... live vicariously through your children.
Thankfully for the hundreds of thousands of failed high school football players out there, they can look to the fruit of their loins to carry on their particularly depressing legacy (unless they have one of those useless 'daughter' things - in which case they'll just let the wife look after them)
"Now just get out there and do your best son... oh, and if you lose I'm killing the dog."
So what do we end up with? An endless cycle of douchebaggery that passes from father to son from generation to generation. Scientists have estimated that the energy of those broken dreams could power a rocket to the moon - at which point it would immediately deploy a beer cooler, lawn chair and a middle aged spaceman who would start beating himself up over missing that catch back in the '88 state finals.
High School football is one of two things:
Reply1. A time where you learn the values of teamwork, discipline, and hard work in general, and learn how to lead like a man, not a boy.
2. 4 years of excused debauchery where you act like a complete dick.
Either way, you reap what you sow. Stop being bitter and move on.
well said, sir!
Sounds like the fans at my school. "Cheer or die!", "You suck, nerd!" etc.
Replythis article sounds like someone is bitter
ReplyBut that doesn't make them wrong.
if someone can be bitterly funny, idc about their personal demons
These rant comments are hilarios
ReplyI don't know why everyone's freaking out. It was a funny article and it didn't even hate on the players themselves that much other than the running "Pro" joke.
ReplyIt just hits a little too close to home for some people.
@AnotherSchmoe GROW UP
Dude, did you get beat up by a football player in high school or something? I was on the football team and we didn't get any special treatment or perks. Not everyone who plays in high school wants to turn pro, most players I know just play for fun anyway.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI think the authors talking about that friday night lights type bullshit, or towns where its either "football scholarship or the coal mines"
those towns rock
In my town that is kind of how it is, most football players get grade bumps and are treated like Gods. The curse of living in a small town.
So this pretty much reads like someone got shunned by a bunch of football players back in high school and decided to let all out the frustration with a pretty unfunny article here.I would say definitely substandard for cracked..its actually kind of hard to read at some places, what with the spite induced awkwardness- I feel like I'm reading some guys personal rant against the world the final few moments before he totally loses it
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHard to read in some places? Damn. Thing was less than three paragraphs. I think that you must be a very special little fella.
8 paragraphs, Johnny, 8, and that's if you don't count the Just the Facts section. You can recognize the separation when there's a blank line between them. Also, Nolan made it clear his problem wasn't his reading level, but his opinion that the piece was awful. You might want to think about posting these kind of insults when you don't know what you're talking about, it tends to have a boomerang effect
This is a comedic rant, apparently about a subject held near and dear to you and Nolan's hearts. Calling this "awful", without constructive suggestions for improvement makes your post just plain old bitching. This implies you're pissed off high school football is being put into perspective.
Accept that you will not enjoy every topic or article on a site willing to poke fun at almost anything, and you won't find yourself making bitchy comments.
(Also I think Johnny was defining a paragraph as being five or more sentences but regardless, his point was that this wasn't a very long topic. BOOMERANG!)
Yes, because
A. Any piece of writing's difficulty in terms of comprehension is based solely on the sheer length of it, and
B. The language contained in the 8-something paragraphs is just SO unthinkably deep and complex; there's no way I could have kept up.
So as ATOBlue pointed out, no, amazingly enough this piece did not run intellectual circles around my brain. I got it. The reason I said it was hard to read was because, like I said earlier, the thing made me cringe. I could be wrong but it definitely seems like this guy had some god-awful experience with football players in high school, and is now taking out all his anger in this article. It feels like he is just about running on empty in terms of the sanity department and is using the last few communicable words he owns to write this tirade, thinly veiled as humor. Extremely thinly so, in my opinion.
So rant? Yes. Funny? In my mind, not by a long shot. Taking one stereotype, which doesn't really have that much potential to begin with, and stretching it into an entire article did not turn out well here.
I'm not bitching because he's making fun of football- I'm bitching because its not funny. How do you want me to be constructive? Tell him to write a new topic? Thats not constructive either.
(Also, nowhere is a paragraph defined as 5 sentences)
Huh. In my high school a paragraph is most definitely defined as having five sentences or more, so that's one.
obviously it's different in all situations, but the point of this article was that in a lot of places, high school football is way bigger than it should be. The writer isn't the only person who has these opinions, and they aren't without cause
ReplyThank You!
This article really is kind of stupid. I'm a nerd who was on the football team, and while I was bad at it and my team lost every game, the bottom line was that it was fun. We didn't treat other people like s**t, we didn't expect any perks, we didn't take it too seriously. No one was expecting to go pro. You can call sports "pointless" and a "waste of time" all you want, but as long as they don't get too much in the way of academics, what the hell is the harm in it?
ReplyThe harm is that unless you're in some ultra funded school with 30 AP selections and a polo team chances are your school has had to start cutting programs, and the sad fact is a lot of schools will cut academic programs before athletics. I.E. My school had a consistently losing football team (although being a football fan, I admittedly enjoyed watching the games), and were a financial loss for the school. Not enough money coming in, but no school's going to drop their team. Meanwhile, we had class sizes above 30 kids per class, and almost no course selections. At the same time, I was in drama, and we funded ourselves 100%. The school did not pay $1 to help us, and we put on 2 shows and dozens of rehearsals a year. That's the issue a lot of people take with football. I support youth sports, but not if it's costing the public school system much needed money. I was also part of a hockey team than collected dues (not much), no school association. Not a bad path to take.
At my school, the pinch is observable as well. The number of Athletic groups greatly out weighs the number of non-athletic groups, even though(in theory) there is more possible groups in the non-athletic area.
All I know is that all the football players in my town are pompous, unintelligent, homophobic dicks. I welcome the thought of them being middle aged and still hung up on childhood events.
ReplyI second this
Obviously this writer didn't play high school football and does not have family members that do. In my town of 2000 people almost all of the us play the game and all of us have stopped dreaming of going pro when we were little (hell only one person even expects to play in a D3 college). The only bad thing that came from football was the loss my fellow seniors and I felt when it was all over. And as far as parents pushing their kids to become pros it's a pretty worn out claim, my dad always pushed me to go lift weights and run but it wasn't so I would be the best ever, it was for the team, he cared about not only me but my friends having a good time.
ReplyOH MY GOD! Since what the writer wrote about doesn't (supposedly) apply in your life then OBVIOUSLY he knows nothing about the subject at all!
Please excuse the caps, but your logic just shocked me so.
Yeah, because your dad 'pushing you to go lifts weights and run' is fine if it's 'for the team'. Really?
I play football because its a good time. Sports are fun, give them a try before you write like this. This articles rediculous. Sure, there's some guys out there who are douche bags who play for the attention but that's not the case most of the time. Don't generalize me.
ReplySure, there are some comedy writers who have never tried out the (sport) subject before hand, but that's not the case most of the time. Don't generalize me.
[Whether you love football or hate it, there is no denying that the atmosphere of a packed NFL stadium on game day is hard to beat]
ReplyHave you ever been on proper football game? Off course not, you f*****g prick.
"...Oh, and if you lose, I'm killing the dog." LMAO that was awesome.
ReplyLol this came across as sad. Personally i think high school wrestling is better (millions disagree) but anything that doesnt promote being fat and immovable is fine with me. Oh wait.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesFootball player took your girl, man?
I agree. wrestling rocks.
What, the wrestling with all the groping and wearing tights and whatnot? Whatever floats your boat I guess....
I hate to be the serious doucher here (because strangely that's looked down upon on this site) not to mention I don't even play football, but I'm willing to bet that close to 90% of people who play, play because, hell, sports are fun (to some/most). They get to do what they like, and make friends (who like the same things = good friend). It's not always that complicated, it's not always about being poor, looking for a good life, or trying to redeem your s****y life, sometimes it's about having some god damned fun, because that's every kid's god damned right.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLol, and in the end, someone's gotta flip the burgers.
Yup.
As a four year highschool football veteran, I can concurr. I only played because it was an outlet for all my pent up teenage angst. Also, being on the football teams garuntees nothing in terms of perks. Being on the starting lineup does. I could demolish most of my teammates, but I didn't like getting up super early to work out with the team (Note: coaches have favoritism), so I never got to play in any games. fuckers.
Generally true. But the stereotype exists for a reason, and is particularly rampant in the small towns (like in Texas) mentioned in this article, where football players are gods.
Ah yes, the fact that people look down on you acting like a dick in a serious manner on a COMEDY SITE is just so strange. I am in awe.
Someone got picked on and excluded in high school and is taking it out on those mean jocks.
ReplyMe thinks the nerds is a tad jealous :)
ReplyI'm seeing alot of jock envy hear, this is awesome. Keep it up you highscholls nerds. Youve made us all look that much better you ps2 obseesed cratures you.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesyou're really rather sad
Wait, you call us geeks while having a name referencing one of the oldest games ever?
Good grief man, here we are living in the information age and you can't even spell 'high school'. Ouch.
here*, high school*, You've(or You have)*, obsessed*, creatures*
As for the article, any ground "jocks" gained with this was lost with this comment
haha, so pathetic and true!
Reply