The problem with men is that they're so gosh-darned attractive. As society becomes more and more fem-centric, men are only going to get more attractive. Is it any wonder that every single one of you is gay?
Because you, the secretly gay cracked reader demanded it, we present to you the seven guys we would sleep with if we had enough extenuating circumstances to warrant not returning our beer and boobies fan club card.
Acknowledged as 'sexiest man alive' more times than you've been acknowledged as a man, Johnny Depp is the reason that ridiculously tight blue jeans were invented. His soft, doleful eyes say "come to bed with me", but his seedy pervert mustache says "bring a large bucket of lube and a roll of electrical tape, you slag."
Chiseled, steely and sexy, Christian Bale has advantages over other attractive men because he is Batman. Not he plays Batman, he is Batman. And who doesn't want to have sex with Batman? Communists, that's who.
As well as being a former Bond, Connery is a full-time suave bastard. He also seems like the kind of guy you could go for a couple of drinks with and have a few laughs. And then, in the morning, a hearty breakfast and a round of golf, with no mention of the unspeakable things you did to each other the night before.
Fashionable, cool and talented, Lenny encapsulates the best qualities of the average Cracked reader. Is it any wonder you want to bone him, you dog you?
In his younger days, Jackie was the less insane and frightening counterpart to Bruce Lee in budding homosexual kung fu fantasies. The advantage of having this guy on your arm is that if any of your old high school buddies make a remark about your highlights, Jackie can kick their balls out through their eye sockets.
I'd like to crawl through his ventilation shaft, if you get what I mean.
I mean sex.
While he's not much to look at, Bill Gates is one of the richest people alive. It really doesn't matter how straight you are, the concept of nigh unlimited spending money and a CPU the size of a garden shed dedicated solely to running World Of Warcraft is going to make anyone consider sucking dick. Especially you.
Because you are gay.