Wither its for food, war or just plain fun, fire just makes us all hot.....down there.


Just The Facts

  1. Fire is hot.
  2. Like, really bitchin hot.
  3. Seriously man, if you hold you hand in fire, it hurts like a mother fucker.
  4. Thanks for fire, we have pretty much the modern world.

Burn, Baby, Burn

Fire could be called one of the great forces of the world. Aristotle named it as one of the Classical Elements, along with Earth, Water, Air, and Heart!

Ok, we made that last one up.

Fire is alot like a living creature, in that it needs oxygen, fuel and heat to start some shit. Unlike a living creature, it tends to destroy everything it touches and likes to consume every last usable resource in its path.

Just like those damn, dirty hippies.

The chemcial process behind fire is actually pretty badass. Fire is the result of rapid oxidation of a given material, meaning the very atoms are being pulled apart in some way. The result is a brief burst of light and heat, which also could be considered a form of plasma if it ever gets hot enough. So yeah, your campfire is basically what those fancy guns in Halo shoot out when they make those pew pew sounds.

Purchase of this firearm requires proof of virginity

You might think, "Well, sure fire is hot, but surely it can get that hot." We say, "Think again, boyo!" The average candle flame is a skin blistering 1800 degrees. Oh, and that bunsen burner you used in high school? Around 2900 degrees, which is about 300 or so degrees hotter than your run of the mill blowtorch. So yeah, the shit they use to cut metal can't stack up to the thing you used to light your farts when the teacher had his back turned.

Fire, unlike those other pussy elements (we're looking at you, air), actually has a place in the freaking fossil record. Evidence of wildfire dates back to 420 million years ago, like thirty seconds after the oxygen level of the planet hit 13%. How exactly do they identify a rageing inferno millions of years after the fact? Why, with all that charcoal you love to burn during your lovely family outings. When you strip it down it's bare ass, charcoal is nothing more than the remains of horribly burned plants that fossilize over time. So by the transative property, whenever you take a bite out of that steak, your eating a wildfire.

You can still taste Smokey The Bear's tears. Delicious.

Wildfires themselves may seem like a huge pain in the ass, but they can also behave like fiery blessings in disguise. In fact, sometimes they're down right nessacary. Without periodic waves of deadly immolation, some plants can't surrvive, and as awesomely ironic that sounds, its true. Fire is sort of like nature's recycling agency, in that it destroys all the old, bitchy plants and makes room for the new hipster plants that bring in the yoga studios and Pottery Barns.

All this talk about widespread devistation by fire reminds us of a very special word used to describe such a scenario: Holocaust.

No, we're not going to make a Holocaust joke. Instead, enjoy some bewbs.

Earth, Wind, and FIRE!!!!!

The discovery by people on how to control fire is probably one of the biggest steps forward we've managed, along with the discovery of penecillin and the McRib Sandwich. Back when we still considered the world as our own big ass toilet, fire came in and straitened our crazy ways out. It allowed us finally cook all those tasty meat creatures that were just walking around, allowing us to get a bit more protien in our diet.


It also kept us warm when Snuggies were nowhere to be seen, which in turn enabled us to live in colder climates, which allowed us to migrate out of Africa and into the Euraisan continent and the Americas. Thanks to fire, we also were able to make use of all those shiny, metally rocks we kept noticeing during our crazy caveman sex. The first metal tools turned up about 500,000 years ago, and we've only perfected our craft of metal since then.

Metal dwarf dildos: The culmination of half a million years of human inginuity

Fire was so revered in ancient times that people worshiped the damn stuff. The Zoastrians are most famously associated with fire worship. They believe that fire is nature in its most pure form, ever soaring upwards towards the heavens. So, a bunch of Pagans feel that fire is essentially God, while billions of notoriously anti-Pagan Chirstians associate ultimate damnation with the same substance. Almost feels like they dont want you to like those Pagan folks........

However, it dosent stop modern schmucks from continueing the tradition of drunken fire orgies. The Burning Man festival is a weeklong party dedicated to radical self expression, freedom of the mind and the building of a giant wooden effigy solely for the purpose of setting it ablaze and watching it burn. Ok, we gotta give the hippies some props for this one. It's kind of badass.

"Why, God? Why was I made to feel pain?"

Fire also has had a grand impact on how humans have taken up the art of mercilessly slaughtering one another. Fire warfare has been going on since ancient times, when rival kings and generals would burn thier enemies crops to starve them to death. However, shit didnt get real until the Greeks took one look at how fire tends to work until you mangage to put it out. They, being Greeks, puffed up thier grossly chissled chests and proudly declared, "We can one up that shit!"

Kiss our finely shaped ass, fire!

The result was Greek Fire, an incindiary weapon used primarily for naval warfare. It was a liquid substance that burst into flame the second it was exposed to regular old air. The main difference between Greek Fire and say, a packet of lit matches, was that it couldnt be put out. The shit would just burn until there was nothing left to even provide a pile of dull embers. Not even water could dose it, and there are ancient acounts of some poor schmucks who were covered in the living fire leaping into the sea, only to find themselves still ablaze. Let us repeat that. They were surrounded by water and yet at the same time they were on fire.

Just try to wrap your brains around that shit. Seriously, try it. That's right, you cant. Because it's fucking mind blowing.

Historians have been trying to figure out what exaclty went into the fiery wonder drug, but sadly no reliable recipe has ever turned up. But it's not for a lack of trying. Napalm is about as close as we've goten so far, and while it's still a long way off from the Fire-Water Mindfuck, it's still awesome in its own right. Napalm itself isnt a weapon, it's merely a chemical used to turn regular gasoline from a liquid to a gel, allowing it to burn longer as well as stick to most substances. Think of it less like the stuff they dropped on Vietnam and more like the Elmers Glue you used to make glitter pictures back in grade school. Glitter pictures that were fucking awesome.

Also, napalm has led to the creation of every pyromaniac's wet dream: The Flamethrower.

Someone, somewhere, is furiously masturbating to this picture