Management Speak

Management Speak is the art of saying nothing with as many words as possible in order to get your boss to nod and move along.

Just The Facts

  1. Shift the paradigm!
  2. Synergize account potential!
  3. Uh...realize...realize exterior resources!
  4. Seriously, leave me alone: I'm playing internets.

Management Speak - an Introduction

The strange thing about working in an office is that the higher up you go, the less work you have to do.

The only problem is that old Joe Six-Pack down in the warehouse isn't going to be too happy if he discovers that you're getting paid twice as much to sit around flirting with the girl in Human Resources and playing Yeti Olympics all day. And your boss isn't going to be happy if he realizes the reason you don't have that project ready is that Hulu just put the entire catalogue of the A-Team up.

Thus it becomes vital to instill a sense of confidence in your co-workers that you are not only more important than you actually are, but also worth more than your already bloated paycheck. There are two ways to accomplish this:

1. Bust your ass working, use your downtime to come up with creative new ways to help the company, and foster meaningful connections with your coworkers

2. Spout gibberish until they go away.

Since most office workers go for the latter option, management speak has become an indespensible way to make carrying out even the most mundane or despicable tasks look like you're this generation's John D Rockefeller.

"As far back as I can remember I always wanted to seek an alternative form of employement through the implementation of non legitimate business practices"

Tell people you're jotting down a couple of bullet points in a notepad and they think they can do your job... tell them that you're "brainstorming unexplored business strategies" and they'll think "holy shit that sounds complicated! Glad I'm not that guy!"

Then they go back to lifting heavy things and you go back to drawing dicks on stick figures.

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