Appalachian Trail

The Appalachian Trail is a footpath the runs from Maine to Georgia. The trail is also home to casual sex, cheap drugs, and adventure! Here are some things you will want to know before setting off on a hike.

A View in the Great Smoky Mountains

A Map of the Appalachian Trail - A Long Fucking Way

A page from an AT hikers journal - titled

Just The Facts

  1. 2,178 miles long, travels through 14 states, takes about 5 million footsteps to hike the entire trail
  2. Crosses multiple streams and rivers all filled with nubile female hikers washing one another
  3. Offers easy availbilty of marijuana, LSD, mushrooms, and assorted hippy drugs (often for free)
  4. Bulletproof excuse to use while committing adultery

Brief History of the Appalachian Trail

The Appalachian Trail (AT) is the culmination of one mans idea to provide a place for out of work slackers to travel, meet, and congregate in the great outdoors. Benton MacKaye (pronounced like sky) invisioned a ridge top trail running the legnth of the Appalachain Mountains with small villages (hippy communes/hobo camps) along the path that would provide travelers with an exciting drug and alcohol fueled refuge in exchange for backbreaking menial labor.

Benton's dream never came true. He was a dreamer and idea generator unable to make any of his ideas a reality, prefering to lord over lesser peons while spouting inane commands and frequently changing his mind about prevoius dictates. After a short period of rule MacKaye was ousted during a peasent rebellion. He was replaced by Myron Avery, a much more pragmatic man who got shit done. MacKaye died alone in 1952, an unhappy and broken man whose biggest contribution was to take an existing idea and plagarise the hell out of it (and add hippies).


The Appalachian Trail Today

The original idea of a footpath through the woods designed for contemplating the majesty of God's creation quickly fell by the wayside. In the early years a few dedicated individuals managed to hike the entirety of the trail in one journey with that idea in mind however, as soon as prospective hikers discovered that "townies" would give them free transportation, free lodging, free food, cheap boobs, and free alcohol and drugs, the idealistic views of the trail went straignt down the shitter.

Today the AT Adventure demographic is comprised of four primary groups:

  1. Day Hkers: People who hike along the AT simply for enjoyment and just to get away from it all. These people generally have no plans for hiking the entire trail.
  2. Thru-Hikers: People who set out to hike the entire trail in one journey. Each year several thousand people set out to hike the whole trail and only a few are successful. There is no realiable method to determine success potential in this group. Professionals, retired persons, Joe Plumber, and hobos have all managed to complete the entire trail. The only similarity amongst successful thru-hikers are masochistic tendencies.
  3. Trail Bums: A group of people that have fallen in love with the trail mythos and are unable to function in normal civilization. Many individuals in this group claim to have hiked the AT multiple times (mostly lying). In reality they are generally worthless individuals unable to contribue to everyday society. They seek solice in a "world" comprised of free rides and minor fame. In order to support their high rolling lifestyle many of the Trail Bum species work at hardware stores and live in shacks during the winter and migrate to the trail in the Spring to take advantage of unsuspecting hikers.
  4. Psycho Killers: Yes, there are psycho killers on the Appalachian Trail. The total number of people killed on the trail is a matter of some dispute. The Appalachian Trail Conservancy maintains an effective disimformation office (aka Ministry of Truth) that uses fancy words to bend the truth. (For example the ATC doesn't count hikers who were killed in towns while resupplying along their trip). Psycho killers aside, the ATC doesn't count rapes, assualts, or robberies either. If you are planning a hike on the AT be forewarned - that noise outside your tent might not be a cute woodland critter, it may very well be a lunatic bent on killing, raping, and robbing you (not necessarily in that order)
    This guy is right outside your tent.

Trail Towns

Towns along the Appalachian Trail are known as Trail Towns. These towns are the crown jewel of the AT; providing unlimited opportunities for sex, drugs, satan worship and supplies. When planning a hike on the AT it is helpful to know that the biggest town payoffs occur in towns located in the south (GA - WV) and in the New England (VT - ME. Massachusetts does not in any way qualify as a New England state - don't buy into that crap) states. These states offer lots of bars and the ubiquitious skanks that look upon dirty, smelly, and broke hikers as a step up in the world.

When in Trail Towns it is a best practice to persue locally employed women. As a rule these women are just looking for a quick heave ho and know that you will be moving on tomorrow. Look for exposed tattos, facial bruises, and belly piercings. These women are easy targets and offering up a few drinks and or drugs basically guarantees you success. Just make sure to be gone before sun up or to give her the boot when you are done with her. Otherwise Bubba may come looking for you and your purtty mouth.

Easy Score

For some strange reason many AT hikers fail miserably at getting laid during their six month journey. After several interviews with these tragic failures it became apparent that they are unable to get laid in real life either. Our conclusions (which will be included in the Ken Burns documentary on National Parks) basically state that if you aren't covered up in women while hiking the trail you are not hiking correctly.

Food, Supplies, and Gear You Need for Hiking the Appalachian Trail

One of the most common questions asked about hiking the AT is what do you eat and where do you get it. Assuming you are not a complete savage you have two choices: buy food in towns or steal food.

The easiest option is to buy high calorie food while in towns. Good choices for food include McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers, $1.00 and a zillion calories each. This amazing burger can stay "fresh" in your backpack for 5-7 days (no kidding) and is nearly impervious to any type of external damage. Witness the pictures below for proof. The burger on the left is brand new, the burger on the right has been in a backpack for three days (cheese food removed for clarity):

Cheap, easy, and stays fresh for up to a week with no refrigeration. Thanks McDonalds!

You will need to consume 4-5,000 calories per day in order to stay healthy so McDonalds is the clear cost/benefit winner. For less than $50 a week you can stay fit and strong during your hike.

Much hullabaloo is made about gear you will need on your hike. Don't listen to all that bullshit. All you need is some sort of sack to carry stuff in and a poncho. Save the money you were going to spend on fancy synthetic clothes for boooze, drugs, and sex. (Unless you are a woman, then you should buy very tight fitting synthetic clothes, short skirts, and visually appealing panties).

Things to be Aware of on the Appalachian Trail

There are very few actual dangers on the AT (not counting physho's) so we're not going to concern ourselves with bears and mountain lions.

Oh Shit! Lions? The picture above was taken by the President of the Georgia Appalachian Trail Club near Blairsville, GA. But since these cats don't officially exist we won't concern ourselves with avoiding them.

Significant Concerns:

  • Hitchhiking - A lot of times hitchhiking is the only way to get into town to resupply and get laid. Hitchhiking is extremely safe, especially for women, doubly especially safe for small groups of young women - ages 18 -35 who like to pose for "artistic" photos. Hitchhiking is not quite as safe for men as there have been several incidents of buggery (that's ass rape) and theft over the years. If you are a guy make sure to carry a large pistol and pepper spray, or only get in the car with hot women. (Also don't even try to catch a ride in the rain. Through some perverse reversal of God's love you will never get a ride when you really need one).
  • Police - Never noted for being overly bright, many police assume that if you can take six months out of your life to go play in the woods that YOU must be a hippy - and everyone knows how cops deal with hippies.

Cops Dealing With Hippies

The best way to deal with police is to carry farily large stacks of $50's (cops like them a lot for some reason).

  • Porcupines - Horrible little creatures with an amazing ability to climb. They sneak into your camp under cover of darkness and eat anything that has been sweated on. This includes boots, socks, backpacks, nutsacks, and basically anything you can think of. The best way to deal with them is to liberally scatter rat poison around your campsite and hope for the best.
  • Kilts - Yes, fucking kilts are rather popular on the AT. Be on constant guard against these tools of Satan as an accidental flash of sweaty hiker balls may result in cardiac arrest or an involuntary reflex to claw your eyeballs out (see photo - notice the dead girl? Killed by viewing hiker junk).

Death by Hiker Nuts

Those are really the only things you need to be concerned with while hiking the Appalachian Trail. Have fun and don't forget condoms.