The Appalachian Trail is a footpath the runs from Maine to Georgia. The trail is also home to casual sex, cheap drugs, and adventure! Here are some things you will want to know before setting off on a hike.
The Appalachian Trail (AT) is the culmination of one mans idea to provide a place for out of work slackers to travel, meet, and congregate in the great outdoors. Benton MacKaye (pronounced like sky) invisioned a ridge top trail running the legnth of the Appalachain Mountains with small villages (hippy communes/hobo camps) along the path that would provide travelers with an exciting drug and alcohol fueled refuge in exchange for backbreaking menial labor.
Benton's dream never came true. He was a dreamer and idea generator unable to make any of his ideas a reality, prefering to lord over lesser peons while spouting inane commands and frequently changing his mind about prevoius dictates. After a short period of rule MacKaye was ousted during a peasent rebellion. He was replaced by Myron Avery, a much more pragmatic man who got shit done. MacKaye died alone in 1952, an unhappy and broken man whose biggest contribution was to take an existing idea and plagarise the hell out of it (and add hippies).
The original idea of a footpath through the woods designed for contemplating the majesty of God's creation quickly fell by the wayside. In the early years a few dedicated individuals managed to hike the entirety of the trail in one journey with that idea in mind however, as soon as prospective hikers discovered that "townies" would give them free transportation, free lodging, free food, cheap boobs, and free alcohol and drugs, the idealistic views of the trail went straignt down the shitter.
Today the AT Adventure demographic is comprised of four primary groups:
Towns along the Appalachian Trail are known as Trail Towns. These towns are the crown jewel of the AT; providing unlimited opportunities for sex, drugs, satan worship and supplies. When planning a hike on the AT it is helpful to know that the biggest town payoffs occur in towns located in the south (GA - WV) and in the New England (VT - ME. Massachusetts does not in any way qualify as a New England state - don't buy into that crap) states. These states offer lots of bars and the ubiquitious skanks that look upon dirty, smelly, and broke hikers as a step up in the world.
When in Trail Towns it is a best practice to persue locally employed women. As a rule these women are just looking for a quick heave ho and know that you will be moving on tomorrow. Look for exposed tattos, facial bruises, and belly piercings. These women are easy targets and offering up a few drinks and or drugs basically guarantees you success. Just make sure to be gone before sun up or to give her the boot when you are done with her. Otherwise Bubba may come looking for you and your purtty mouth.
For some strange reason many AT hikers fail miserably at getting laid during their six month journey. After several interviews with these tragic failures it became apparent that they are unable to get laid in real life either. Our conclusions (which will be included in the Ken Burns documentary on National Parks) basically state that if you aren't covered up in women while hiking the trail you are not hiking correctly.
One of the most common questions asked about hiking the AT is what do you eat and where do you get it. Assuming you are not a complete savage you have two choices: buy food in towns or steal food.
The easiest option is to buy high calorie food while in towns. Good choices for food include McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers, $1.00 and a zillion calories each. This amazing burger can stay "fresh" in your backpack for 5-7 days (no kidding) and is nearly impervious to any type of external damage. Witness the pictures below for proof. The burger on the left is brand new, the burger on the right has been in a backpack for three days (cheese food removed for clarity):
Cheap, easy, and stays fresh for up to a week with no refrigeration. Thanks McDonalds!
You will need to consume 4-5,000 calories per day in order to stay healthy so McDonalds is the clear cost/benefit winner. For less than $50 a week you can stay fit and strong during your hike.
Much hullabaloo is made about gear you will need on your hike. Don't listen to all that bullshit. All you need is some sort of sack to carry stuff in and a poncho. Save the money you were going to spend on fancy synthetic clothes for boooze, drugs, and sex. (Unless you are a woman, then you should buy very tight fitting synthetic clothes, short skirts, and visually appealing panties).
There are very few actual dangers on the AT (not counting physho's) so we're not going to concern ourselves with bears and mountain lions.
Oh Shit! Lions? The picture above was taken by the President of the Georgia Appalachian Trail Club near Blairsville, GA. But since these cats don't officially exist we won't concern ourselves with avoiding them.
Cops Dealing With Hippies
The best way to deal with police is to carry farily large stacks of $50's (cops like them a lot for some reason).
Death by Hiker Nuts
Those are really the only things you need to be concerned with while hiking the Appalachian Trail. Have fun and don't forget condoms.