The Nutcracker

It's the most famous ballet of them all. Actually, it's basically the only famous ballet. Seriously, name one other ballet off the top of your head. You can't, can you? That's cause they're not the Goddamn Nutcracker.

For all intents and purposes, it's an explosion of Toy Story, ROUS, Small Soldiers, Candyland, and Santa. Just for shits and giggles.

Just The Facts

  1. The story starts out at a freaking party. Yeah, BOOM. Drop it like it's hot.
  2. This kick-ass Uncle Drosselmeyer gives his neice and nephew christmas gifts, cause he's a sweet fucking relation.
  3. Once the clock rings midnight, it's after-party time. Remember those awesome toys Uncle Drosselmeyer gave out? Yeah, they wake the fuck up.
  4. The toys, which just so happen to be a nutcracker and some soldiers, wake up to find a shitton of pissed-off rats who are pumped up and ready to fight.
  5. Are you ready to rumble?

Battle Royal: Toys in Hell.

We're not going to go into a whole bunch of detail here, but we gotta cover some of this crazy shit. The Nutcracker leads the toy soldiers into a fight to the death against the Rat King and his little furry minions. Oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention, the Rate King has like 5000 freaking heads- a.k.a. it's like a goddamn Rat/Hydra/King of doom. Yeah, shit just got real. The Rat/Hydra/King thing gets all up in our boy Nutcracker's face, and starts busting his balls in all directions.

You honestly didn't expect to get by without ONE ball joke, did you?

Balls. Busting Big Bouncy Balls of British Boy Brothels. Nut-CRACK! (Of course I made a ball joke, what did you expect?)

The Nutcracker is way out of his league, and all seems lost; but then, out of nowhere, a shoe comes flying out of the air to crush the Rat/Hydra/King into a bloody, rodent/reptile pulp.

The shoe came off the foot of Uncle Drosselmeyer's neice. Depending on who's telling the story, her real name is either Clara, Clare, Maria, Marie, Masha, and no doubt a whole bunch more names that most likely sound alike that no one honestly cares about. To give Clara/Clare/Marie/Maria/Masha credit though, she did destroy a Rat/Hydra/King thing. That has to count for something.

Girl Stuff

The rest of the story is a bunch of girly crap that no one actually cares about. That is where "Candyland" comes into play. The nutcracker turns into a real boy (who just so happens to be a prince) and takes Clara/Clare/Marie/Maria/Masha into a magical world of sweet shit, where a whole fuckload of people dance around in front of the throne where the Nutcracker and Clara/Clare/Marie/Maria/Masha are lounging and enjoying the feast of a lifetime. There's a bunch of romance, and flirting, and general time wasting for the second half of the story, and I, personally, am confused as to how anyone thought the second half was even worth mentioning, much less including in the story, period.

Cracked on The Nutcracker (It has a nice ring to it)

Even though Clara/Clare/Marie/Maria/Masha got a wooden nutcracker instead of balls or babydolls, in the end it was worth it. Ok, bullshit. Sure, it's a beautiful and artistic ballet, and yeah, it has some nifty music; but are you honestly going to waste your timesitting throuh the 3 hours of purgatory for dance and classical tunes?