Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a beloved Christmas icon on par with Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman, only way better becuase come on, you guys, it's fucking Rudolph.

These guys will fuck you the shit up.

Just The Facts

  1. Rudolph is a mutant reindeer, or caribou, who once faced tremendous persecution as a result of his bioluminescent nose.
  2. He overcame teremendous adversity to teach us all a valuable lesson about being ourselves.
  3. He is also the only fictional character to save Christmas, New Year's, and the Fourth of July.

Phase 1: Saving Christmas

Born the first son of distinguished sleigh-puller Donner and his wife, Donner's Wife, Rudolph promptly horrified his parents by being the proud owner of a pair of freakish phosphorescent nostrils. Santa Claus, the international icon of kindliness, gently advised the Donners that they had better cover up their son's shameful mutation if he ever planned on winning a spot on the sleigh team. Thinking quickly, Donner rubbed his son's face in the mud, obscuring his famed shiny nose. This disguise served Rudolph well until a bout of pubescent joy caused his nose cover to fly off in the middle of a Reindeer Game, revealing his nasal shame and inspiring him to do everyone a favor and run away from home.

Escaping the North Pole, Rudolph would meet up with insane prospector Yukon Cornelius and homosexual elf Hermie the Elf and have a series of adventures culminating in the dramatic conquest and domestication of the Abominable Snowman. Returning to Christmas Town in a blinding snowstorm, Rudolph volunteers his shiny nose to navigate the storm and ensure present delivery. Thereafter, all of the reindeer loved him, platonically.

Phase Two: Saving the New Year

Returning from his dramatic rescue of Christmas, Rudolph is immediately recruited by Father Time to locate the new Baby New Year, who, embarassed by his large ears, had become lost in the improbably awesomely-named Archipelago of Lost Years. This island chain, in which every atoll represents a past year frozen in time, is understandably vast, and is also patrolled by the evil Aeon, a titanic bird of prey intent upon eating Baby New Year to secure his own immortality. The heroic ungulate is forced to recruit a sassy caveman, a knight voiced by Frank Gorshin (!), notorious sexual deviant Benjamin Franklin, and a monstrous clockwork whale in his quest. Finally locating the New Year, Rudolph transports him to Father Time's castle, whereupon the time-space continuum is preserved . . . BUT FOR HOW LONG!?

Phase Three: Saving the Fourth of July, and a Circus

Although now a massive celebrity in the holiday mascot community, Rudolph never forgot the people who helped him on the way up, like this one retard who was trying to sell ice cream at the North Pole for some reason. Rudolph agrees, along with Frosty, to appear in this guy's girlfriend's mom's circus in order to save it from something or other. Anyway the thing is epic, running two hours and featuring an evil sorceror named Winterbolt, a team of ice dragons, an evil Rudolph analogue named Scratcher, and a last minute ruin-in by Jack Frost, who brings winter to July 4th in order to save . . . shit, who cares? ICE DRAGONS!