7 Horror Movie Clichés That Need To Be Destroyed

With all the myriad phobias and fears people have, surely the horror genre should be one of the most varied. However, directors seem to wheel out the same tired old tropes. In order of appearance:

Gosh, I hope no-one's behind me.

#7: The Cast

A varied and diverse cast is one of the key components for any film. As a casting director, you can choose from hundreds of different actors, most of which who will be willing to throw in a blowjob. Hell, Christian Slater would probably give you one just for the attention by this point.

But for some reason, we always get the same stereotypes. There's the slut, the specifically-chosen piece of eye candy. She'll run like hell towards a camera (often in slow motion) and it's only by the grace of the slut-gods that she doesn't knock herself out with her own sweater-puppies. Unfortunately she hasn't realised that the second she gives into her slutty nature...

...her wonderful, wonderful slutty nature...

... that's when the monster/ villain/ maniac will strike. Predictable and hackneyed, but it does give me a chance to use a 'caught with her pants down' pun that otherwise would have just gone to waste.

Also in this category is the obligatory gansta', the jive-talking tough guy who, despite just having wandered off the set of The Wire, has no survival skills beyond the ability to say 'damn!' I don't want to promote a stereotype or anything, but surely a guy who talks like that is packing either a handgun or a D12 album, either of which could be lethal to the usually-Caucasian maniac.

A Refreshing Alternative

The bitter ex-Army veteran just looking for an excuse to break out the grenades.

#6 The Location

When I go on holidays, I usually choose somewhere nicely triangulated between a good bar, a bad brothel and a fantastic STD clinic. I'm sure all of you are the same. What I don't do is hunt through a list of locations where horrific murders have occured, bring all my friends there, and then choose to tell everyone.

Hey guys, let's stay in there!

Does the blame rest on the dickhead who suggested the location for the camping trip, or the other ten people who didn't bother to ask how Murder-and-Rape Creek got its name? I don't know, but it sure takes the edge of the shock factor when Cannibal Gorge turns out not just to be a local prank.

A Refreshing Alternative

Fucking Disneyland. Yeah, we all know horrible shit goes on there, but we don't hear the stories.

#5 The Plucky Heroine

'All my friends are dead!'

Okay, let's take bets. You have the preppy white teenager, her preppy white love interest, the slutty best friend and the token gansta.' The preppy white love interest plays American football, the slutty best friend gives good head and the token gansta' has a string of minor gansta' offenses. Who survives to the end?

Preppy white girl, every time.

Now remember, this is the girl who over the course of the film displays all the self-preservation drive of a lemming on Prozac. She ruins her chances of surviving every opportunity she gets, just stopping short of climbing under her desk and putting her head between her legs. What makes it worse is that often she's the person the killer is obsessed with, and everyone else in Sleepytown, USA just got in the way.

Yes she may be head cheerleader and an A student, but she uses more human shields then Hans Gruber

A Refreshing Alternative:

#4 The Tactics

Staying on the preppy white girl, (and I mean that in every possible sense) there are two things that stand out in the field of 'retarded panicky behaviour.'

Firstly, when the killer is battering at the front door trying to get in, it helps to remember that in most houses, there are two doors. Calmly bolt the first, as the door's lock will probably be slightly sturdier than holding it shut with your skinny white shoulder, and run out the back, possibly using your trampoline as an awesome method of escape.

Don't run upstairs. You're not running from a fucking Dalek, sweetheart.

'Well... shit. I'll just wait then.'

Also, if you're a cheerleader who runs track (or whatever it is you do when you're not inciting the unbalanced to acts of murder) surely shouldn't you be able to outrun the fairly large man chasing you? One of the few things I've learned from recent horror films is that preppy white girls can only run so far before inexplicably tripping over something and then instead of getting up, trying to crawl away.

A Refreshing Alternative:

Jetpacks.

#3 'Let's Split Up!'

No. Let's not.

Thousands of years of military theory have thought us when confronted by danger, sticking together is a good plan. The Romans knew it, the Persians knew it, it's a fairly simple concept.

Enter this man.

Murderer!

This douche has killed more teenagers than the Lindsay Lohan Diet Plan. Suddenly, everyone's a vigilante investigator, ready to wander deep into the bowels of the house / cave / abandoned sex factory and solve the Mystery of the Chopped-Up Hookers.

The 'Let's split up, we'll cover more ground' plan only works if everyone in your group is Stephen Seagal and you're hunting crayfish. If this is not the case, then the only ground-covering you'll be doing is with your entrails.

A Refreshing Alternative

If the splitting up plan actually worked.

'I would have gotten away with it too, if not for those pesky kids!'

#2 The Inept Police

It's all so confusing. On one side, we have shows like CSI: Miami and Criminal Minds telling us that it's not worth commiting crimes, as somehow they can trace the residue of your soul on the fucking doorknob of the hooker's bedroom, or trace the oxygen particle you inadvertently breathed out while you were shoving the remains into the mini-fridge.

Then you have horror movie cops.

'Hello 911 emergency. Oh... you're the girl with the insane stalker, right? What's that? He's outside? Okay, I'll send around a single cop with no peripheral vision. If he happens to die, we'll send another in six months or so.'

I feel so fucking bad for the cop they choose, because they probably know shit's going to go down.

'Fuck.'

A Refreshing Alternative:

I have no idea who'd win in a Micheal Myers / Horatio Crane stand-off, but I know it would be awesome.

1# The Invinci-Villain

I honestly don't care how much you worked out in prison, or whether you're possessed by a bloodthirsty rage. Getting shot hurts. The most over-used cliche in horror movies is the villain who, Satan bless him, just keeps coming.

Broken ribs, bullet holes, stab wounds: Nothing deters this determined young man in his quest to hack his way to the front page. The only horror film where I've actually believed the maniac to be as indestructable as he's portrayed is when Rob Zombie cast a fucking giant to play Micheal Myers in his remake of Halloween. I saw it in the cinema when it came out and even the usher was like 'Jesus Christ.' He looked like he was built in a shipyard.

Then again, there's still fear to be found.

I Can't Remember Who I Did Last Summer