Christopher Lambert

He was born in 1957 on Long Island but at a young age magically developed a French accent. This may have been due to his father being French. He moved to Geneva, Switzerland, and at the ripe age of five opened his first Swiss bank account. At the age of 12, his parents took him to the temple, where they found him teaching the rabbis. It's distinctly possible he was teaching them swordfighting and looking tough. In return, they taught him to hone his skills as the quiet overactor. This intensity would help him greatly later in life.

A Spaniard eventually found young Christopher and taught him the ways of an immortal race known as the Highlanders. To conceal his true purpose, he began writing his biography as a script. In order to earn money for it's production, he first acted in a series of films in his native, accursed asshole tongue, later starring in an ill conceived Tarzan remake. As his character spoke largely in grunts, Lambert's full acting prowess was not yet unveiled.

In order to prepare for his role as Tarzan, Lambert lived amongst the apes, trying to get a sense of what it would be like to have been raised by him. A chimp attempting to rip his arms off helped him understand.

A few movies with the word "Love" in the title later, Lambert was ready to tell his story to the world. He found his autobiographical screenplay Swordfighting was passed on by many studios. After a series of rewrites, the film became Highlander, catapulting him to relative fame or occasional passing glances on the street. His powerful science fiction script Panspermia was, to his chagrin, retooled into Highlander II: The Quickening. Initially inspired by a loose scientific understanding of the Carl Sagan series Cosmos, The Quickening instead placed the Scotsman, Conor McLeod, back for more adventure - including the realization that he was an alien. Lambert himself has roundly denied alien heritage, as have subsequent films in the Highlander series. It is unknown if the Highlander cartoon eschewed this plot point as well, as it went largely ignored. This is likely due to the dearth of Lambert in it.

Lambert's savage murder of an extra in Highlander went largely ignored by the film's director

Stuart Gordon, director of the Palm D'Or nominee Herbert West: Re-Animator recognized Lambert's unbridled talent and cast him opposite the badguy in the first Robocop movie in his China allegory, Fortress. Lambert played a man going to prison for having a second child, an impossibility in real life because few women would deny themselves from carrying the seed of Lambert, and no government would stand in the way of the subsequent Adonis. The film would prove so popular at Video Kingdom in North Platte, NE that Lambert would have no choice but to return in Fortress 2: Fortresser. Critics were disappointed by the lack of gratuitous full frontal male nudity in the second, as opposed to the first, where he lets it all flop out.

Lambert and his on-screen wife attempt to break free of the titular fortress.

It's often been said that video games make the best movies, and Mortal Kombat was no exception. As the Chinese monk Raiden, Lambert proved his great skill at being whatever ethnic heritage his roles required. Oh, and he shot lightening out of his hands. Perhaps fearing another scene stealing performance, he was not invited back by the producers of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Never, ever one to turn down a sequel, though, he's rumored to return in the 2010 reboot, Mortal Kombat: Devastation.

This is not Lambert, but this is Raiden. Sort of.

What he did for the Scots he was able to do for the Gaelics in 2000's Druids. I did not see it but the Wikipedia page looked unwieldy. I imagine it's basically a complete masterpiece about Lambert building Stonehenge and fighting the Hell out of the Gauls. A much better, sort-of same continent thing was Beowulf, in which the story of the hunt for the Grendel is transported into the future and duked out in a post-Apocalyptic wasteland. Elements of the original script of Swordfighting were interspersed, helping present a concrete realism not found in the film of the same name with Angelina Jolie in that creepy Polar Express animation.

Lambert stacked up against non-competition for the sweetest version of Beowulf in the last ten years.

Since Druids, Lambert's film career has largely been relegated to titles in that asshole language I don't speak. Le Lièvre de Vatanen - who talks like that? However, his great propensity for cameo roles and bit parts makes sure his face is still relevant. In the end, there can be only one Christopher Lambert. Like the great filmmaker Mark Borchardt's quixotic quest to finish his film Northwestern, Lambert continues to propel his career, hoping that, one day, the world will come to know Swordfighting in all its glory. 

1 - Mulet, 1815 (Highlander script)

2 - Jack, 1888 (Highlander script)

3 - Iman Fasil, 1985 (Highlander)

4 - The Kurgan, 1985 (Highlander)

5 - Tasya Desny, 1986 (Highlander Comics # 4)

6 - Khabul Khan, 1994 (Highlander III)

7 - Kane, 1994 (Highlander III)

8 - Corda, 2024 (Highlander II)

9 - Reno, 2024 (Highlander II)

10 - General Katana, 2024 (Highlander II)

Despite the fact that he could easily make Christopher LamBeers, he's gone down the dark path and made his own wine instead, described here as having an "intense punch of flavor and complexity." This is redundant. Christopher Lambert packs a punch in everything he does.

 Incidentally, the LamBeer idea was stolen by my friend Billy, who currently makes it in his garage. I understand the Highlander Scottish Ale currently has 30% less gasoline. 

The guy just plain can't see. If he doesn't have his glasses on, his myopia takes over which means that the French guy playing with swords is nearly blind. According to Entertainment Weekly, the third most reliable news source behind the New York Times and C-Span, "He was sliced by a sword on Highlander II and singed by a burning truck in Fortress."  The fact that this hasn't stopped him is a testament to the sheer power of unbridled stupidity. It also explains why he's always squinting in his movies.