Alex Chiu

Alex Chiu is the world's and history's greatest inventor. He is also insane. His ideas stem from the impossible and often result in the also-impossible. His creative process can best be depicted in a Chiuigram:

Just The Facts

  1. His inventions are impossible.
  2. Started his own religion for the super-race of immortals he believes he -- a prophet -- has created.
  3. Believes Alicia Silverstone is the pinnacle of human excellence and hopes his inventions will make everyone as perfect as she is.

Cracked on Alex Chiu

 Alex Chiu has done much for the progress of humanity, mostly by staying out of its way. However, the combination of impossible inventions like Immortality Rings and spell-casting technology, a seething hatred for communism, as well as being the religious leader of a super-race of immortals, suggests Alex Chiu may, some day, become the world's most diabolical supervillain.
Alex Chiu's confusing, official website/portal into his soul:
www.alexchiu.com

Scientific Background

None.
Alex Chiu was a chef until he realized making inventions was way less gay.

Personal Life

None.
Alex Chiu, tortured genius, spends every second of his life inventing impossible inventions and ideas and promoting his impossible inventions and ideas. In interviews, he claims to spend most of his remaining time in strip clubs with his Mandarin-speaking friend. According to his bio, Alex Chiu is in love with his cat. He wouldn't even fuck Hilary Duff if he had to choose between her and his cat. He would probably kill his cat if Alicia Silverstone told him to though. He has also publicly declared that cemeteries are "gay".

Success

None?
In a taped interview, it was alleged that Alex Chiu has over $3 million invested in real estate in San Francisco, although in that same interview, he appears to be living like a disheveled homeless man squating in a dead lower-middle-class person's filthy home.

Philosophy

Insane.
Although he is not Jewish, Alex Chiu says he believes in everything the Torah says. He has also started his own religion called "Immortalogy", which has many wonderful beliefs about the future and will be discussed in the next section. As for the present, Alex Chiu is pissed that the government won't give him money to solve the current economic crisis, which he believes he has already done. He has proposed the economic failure of the world will be solved by debit cards.

Immortalogy

Immortalogy is the religion Alex Chiu, world's greatest inventor, invented to "let people know how serious his Immortality Rings invention is." The beliefs of Immortalogy, which include the belief that the world will unite after World War 3 and that the future will be really  sweet, seem to exist solely for the purpose of selling his Immortality Rings. In fact, you cannot join the religion without first purchasing something invented by Alex Chiu, world's greatest inventor.

Prophet

Alex Chiu claims to be a prophet capable of predicting events in the future. This is one of his actual prophecies from his website:

Like a few days ago I threw coins on the ground asking for signs of the future events to come. Since I am not a top level prophet, I don't dare to say exactly what year. But based on the ancient writings and a bit of my own prediction, this is what God said!

"There shall be a great war coming! Very soon! The war is likely to occur in 2004. Seems like there is great danger for the mainland of the United States in the year 2005. The trigger seems like Taiwan. This war will be the bloodiest war of all! China will combine with its neighbors to combat with the Western forces which include USA. Bones will pile up so high like hills. Later the entire world shall be united. Then the God followers will live happily ever after on earth. Deuteronomy puts forth these standards. In chapter 18, verse 20, God says that "... the prophet who shall speak in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die." In other words, any pophecy from God is guaranteed to be accurate, and any prophecy which is not from God but given in his name shall guarantee the death of the prophet. I am risking my life to tell you this.


Alex Chiu has risked his life to tell us this. Plus, his Immortality Rings invention is super important.

Dreams

Alex Chiu is a disturbing individual and a list of the dreams he has had can be found by the brave and lonely at his Alex Chiu Appreciation Club forum site. The following is a partial list of the dreams he has had:

I dreamt that a tiger cub or rabbit is born from a cow
I had a dream about Obama
I dreamt Obama will be my friend at the end
I saw 20 zombies and 2 zombies
I dreamt Taiwan will be stopped by China
I know what antichrist will do in middle of 7 years
I dream of racist uprising
I dreamt of japanese man running away from Godzilla
Horrible haunting Uncle Sam mansion dream
I had a dream of US destroying China
I had a dream that Earth crashes into me after huge war


The desciptions he writes for these dreams may be a window into his self-induced madness.

A Partial List of Things Alex Chiu Hates

Throughout his writings and video appearances, Alex Chiu has expressed hate toward the following things:

The Transformers movie (though he admits he doesn't understand it)
The FDA
Taiwan
Communism, which is the antichrist
Some stripper who took his money
Cemeteries, which are gay
Barack Obama's economic policies
Idiots, who don't understand the Old Testament
Other Idiots, who think Jesus is real
Superman Returns (though he admits he doesn't understand it)

Inventions

Immortality Rings

The Immortality Rings are magnet rings that will give those who wear them the gift of eternal life, except if those people are hit by a bus. Alex Chiu claims the rings can reverse the aging process, make people better and somehow cure cancer and any other disease you may be desperately willing to spend money on to be free from.

To summarize how they work, the following diagrams taken from his website are provided:
  
If you can't figure these out for yourself, Alex Chiu probably thinks you are retarded

Although the science behind how the rings work is non-existent, it does involve magnets, which are used by science.

Bible Code Software (Super Bible Code Beta 2)


Perhaps after a night of seeing The Da Vinci Code and drinking in a strip club, Alex Chiu has created computer software that can crack the secret code he believes God put into the Bible so that humans can predict the future. Because the explanation of how this works is too insane and smarter than anyone to understand to put here, it may be viewed by going here.

Gorgeouspil 

This powder/pill apparently only works in conjunction with the Immortality Rings. It will make anyone who consumes it noticeably more beautiful and perfect, which makes it the best known-cure for ugliness and imperfectness. It is not known whether Gorgeouspil will transform users into Alicia Silverstone. The special ingredient is probably the "Dong Quai", which in English means "dong of the quai". Here is one of the actual pictorial testimonials from the Gorgeouspil website:

Before Gorgeouspil                                  One Week Later                                      Three Weeks Later
                                          

Alex Chiu spent 16 years of his life inventing Gorgeouspil, which is not only why he demands you buy it but is also good news for fans of people not being murdered, as it has kept one of the most dangerously insane people ever born occupied for more than a decade.

Super Chi Flush

The Super Chi Flush only works with Gorgeouspil, which only works with the Immortality Rings. Super Chi Flush can not only remove cancerous tumors and scar tissue but can apparently cure blindness.

The Super Chi Flush is a cousin of the Gorgeouspil and their shared history is a long and terribly distressing one. Before inventing the Gorgeouspil, Alex Chiu tried inventing a cure for cancer and herpes using electro-magnetic coils but instead of curing them, the coils just gave him severe asthma attacks. Then, the story quickly degrades into how he hates strippers:

The stripper girl that I like so much does not even give a damn about me. All she does is take my money. I was desperate. I wanted to look like a movie star immediately so that I can at least get her attention. What can I do?

And the rest became world's greatest inventor history.

Spell-casting Technology


Alex Chiu refuses to release this invention for fear of it falling into the wrong hands and being used for evil. Although it's shrouded in mystery, it somehow involves writing on paper with a pen or pencil. In case you misread: he claims to have invented technology that allows you to cast magic spells in real life.

A Machine That Cures The Handicapped


During an appearance on "Infected by Martin Sargent", Alex Chiu, Immortalogist, made reference to a machine that he may keep in his bedroom that can cure the handicapped. This has also not been released, presumably for fear of the device falling into the wrong hands of people wanting to help the handicapped.
 

Future Inventions

Resurrection Technology

Alex Chiu, inventor of the Gorgeouspil, believes that dead people can be resurrected and that the success of this technology will rely on cloning techniques. Unfortunately, he has no idea how cloning works. This has not stopped him from theorizing, however, that the resurrection technology of the future will possibly involve a comically oversized egg, challenging trivia questions and magnets, lots of magnets.

Those lucky enough to be brought back to life will probably suffer from lifelong asthma attacks

Teleportation

On his website, strip-club enthusiast Alex Chiu has revealed plans to invent a teleportation device because:

Teleportation must be invented. If we don't invent teleportation, China will throw nuclear bomb everywhere. Especially now everyone can live forever.

Baffling, non-sensical reasons aside, Alex Chiu, prophet, envisions the teleportation machine of the future to be so complex and impossible, it can only be summarized by this simple diagram:
                                          
You start here...                                                                                         ... and end here.

 

Other Products

Super I-Ching  

This book took Alex Chiu five years to write, considerably cutting into the time he spends at strip clubs. After reading Chinese I-Ching textbooks, Alex Chiu apparently was able to predict the future with at least chance accuracy. Figuring, "[i]t is one of the most popular language [sic] of God," he compiled and translated them into English for re-sale. It is presumably 969 pages of complete bullshit.

"How Did Alex Invent This?" DVD

This DVD is for sale on his website, yet Alex Chiu, cemetery hater, has apparently no knowledge of being involved with the making of it or that it is even for sale on his website. The contents of the DVD are best considered to be a combination of low-budget hope and sad.