Company Holiday Parties

Company holiday parties are events in which you can let loose (so to speak) with your colleagues. They are also excuses for your boss to hit on the 24 year old, Norwegian secretary and her implants.

Moments before realizing it was her boss's

It's not rape if she can't remember.

Beer Goggles: In reality, that's Beatrice, the 56 year old receptionist with osteoporosis.

Just The Facts

  1. Although it sounds like a good idea at the time, photocopying your ass will get you fired.
  2. Contrary to the thought that quieter people are kinkier, studies show that they may in fact just be serial killers.
  3. There is a 70% chance you will be caugh doing something considered "not kosher". i.e. Males:Smoking their weed. Females: Smoking their boss.

What are they like?

So, you've been invited to the company holiday party? Well, something you should know is that, much like Detroit, a company holiday party is a place no one wants to go to. It can be best compared to masterbating in the sense that it starts out slow and embarrassing, as time progresses it gets better, you start to feel like you're having fun, but in the end, you end up thinking, "What have I done?" Because of the nature of these events, you must be prepared when attending.

Pictured: Being NOT prepared.

Pictured: Being NOT prepared.


There are many scenarios that can present themselves at these parties that can cause you to "screw the pooch." It is recommended to keep these scenarios in mind, so as to save yourself from trouble. These scenarios have been selected to be shared, as they are the most common:

Scenario 1: Picture yourself walking into the room, seeing all your colleagues crying into their fruit punch from lack of fun. But wait, you see a karaoke machine across the room with your name written on it. Your kindergarten teacher said you had a beautiful voice when you were singing "The World Is A Rainbow" in class, so why not serenade your colleagues. As you walk towards the machine, which you have so thoughtfully named Virginia, you see a green drink on top of a table, unguarded. Now, you can:

A) Drink it, I mean, you love Mountain Dew don't you?

B) Continue on straight to the karaoke machine, flipping off the drink, which says, "You shall not take me today, cruel temptress in disguise."

If you chose A, then congratulations, you have become the victim of a date-rape. You will lose all recollection of the next 24 hours and, due to your stomach not being able to handle the LSD in the drink, you will literally be shitting bricks from your sore ass-hole for weeks.

If you choose B, you will end up like this guy:

Not Pictured: Dignity

Not Pictured: Dignity

The moral of the story: Karaoke doesn't fix anything.

Scenario 2: You, once again, find yourself entering the room, seeing your colleagues mope because no one brought the "special" Kool-aid. (Special is a word which here means: Blurble Berry Surfreeze) You see the karaoke machine across the room, but decide not to try, thinking, "Only an idiot would attempt that." You find yourself a few feet away from the long-legged, big-breasted temp, who has been the wallpaper on your home computer for months. You can:

A) Walk up to her and offer her some fruit punch, to break the ice.

B) You can just grow balls of steel and walk up to her.

If you chose A, then you will successfully woo her and have one of the best nights of your life. Heck, if you're lucky you might even have sex with her for the night. Although this may be great for the night, she will not remember you the next morning due to the fruit punch having GHB. She will charge you will rape and you will be in a county prison for 2-10 years. Your asshole will never look the same.

"Come over here sugar pie." -wink-

"Come over here sugar pie." -wink-

If you chose B, then she'll shut you down and make you feel like a failure in front of your colleagues. You will try to shut this off for the next days, keeping to yourself. Then you will wander into "Luke's Right To Bear Gun Repair" and buy a .45 caliber. The newspaper headline for the next day will read, "Office Worker Goes Post Office" and you will find yourself in a county-prison for life.

Moral of the story: Say no to broads.