Ukraine

Ukraine is a complete and utter failure of a country. Located in an inhospitable wasteland, it is somehow worse than Utah.

A question all Ukrainian schoolchildren must ask themselves.

Just The Facts

  1. Ukraine is a country in eastern Europe.
  2. Ukraine became independent of the USSR in 1991.
  3. Ukraine fails at every goddamn thing it does.

Why would anyone live in Ukraine?

People who live in Ukraine clearly can't do anything right. One must only look at its history to realize that its a truly terrible place to be. Ukraine, since about the 12th century, wanted to be its own country, but it was always under another country's thumb (a euphemism for "being boned by another country"). After World War II, Ukraine basically made one of the worst decisions it ever made; it stopped fighting for its independence and said "Fuck it, we're joining th USSR." Do you want to know why they made that decision? They thought it would bring their country international clout, power, and greater freedom.

Pictured: Freedom

Shockingly, it gets worse from there. Stalin repeatedly and metaphorically raped all hell out of Ukraine with military force. Also, he engineered a famine by raising grain quotas. Let's not kid ourselves, there are people who live in the US who can convince our government, which is (somewhat amazingly) less corrupt and more intelligent that the USSR's, that they are not only farmers, but they need grain subsidies. It's not that hard to grow a little extra food or bribe someone. Either the Ukrainian farmers were stupidly self-righteous, or they were just stupid.

Also, we cannot forget about Chernobyl. Ukraine is the only country to have suffered a nuclear accident. This is most likely due to the fact that they had zero safety precautions. And that's just inexcusable.

What smoke alarms?

Ukraine also loses at politics! The only time they gained their independence was after the Soviet Union fell. To put that in perspective, Hungary staged its first uprising in the '50's. They were a bit late on that bandwagon, but most of the citizenry must have thought that the Soviet Union would have been better than anything they could ever make. Those citizens were right. In 2006, Ukraine managed to piss off everyone around it for being such a massive dickhead. They refused to pay for gas from Russia (poor decision), thus making the country roughly equivalent to that douche in college who never ever paid you any of the money he owed you for food. When Russia threatened to cut off the entire gas pipeline to Ukraine, Europe got involved because that pipeline also delivers all of its gas. So, in one fell swoop, Ukraine got some of the most powerful countries in the world completely pissed off at it. On the plus side, it did give something for Europe and Russia to agree on. In addition to being a deadbeat country, Ukraine has trouble with the rules of democracy. The prime minister basically flipped off the Parliament and dissolved it. After the Parliament was back in session, it went and threw a tantrum. Nope, a literal tantrum. Politicians were throwing smoke bombs at each other and egging each other. The speaker literally had his armed guards holding umbrellas up to shield him from the flying eggs. So, I mean, it's not like an A+ in the whole "respecting each other's opinions" department.

Ukraine decided to settle its civilization in one of the absolute worst places ever. Its nothing but unforgiving tundra and, thanks to Chernobyl, fallout. But, it does have the world's largest crossword puzzle!

This makes up for everything.