Dumbledore
Albus Dumbledore is a talented wizard with the combined powers of Gandalf, Doctor Who and the Sorcerer Supreme. He is also probably the shittiest headmaster to ever run a school.
Just The Facts
- Dumbledore is a wizard from the Harry Potter books.
- We know he's a wizard because he wears a pointy hat and pajamas, has a fire hazard hanging from his face and he even started casting actual spells in the fourth or fifth book.
- Has single-handedly endangered more children than a MySpace made of unmarked vans.
A Powerful Wizard
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is one of the world's most powerful wizards, proven by how the school under his protection was infiltrated by trolls, exposed children to soul-sucking Dementors, actually contained an entire "Secret room of child-killing evil," attacked by murderous thugs twice (including that time Dumbledore was out drinking with an underage boy), penetrated by his mass-murdering mortal enemy twice (including that time Dumbledore hired him) and once forced students to fight a dragon for the amusement of viewers.
Dumbledore's primary strategy for fighting an invincible force of evil was to hide with a bunch of kids and just hope that one turned out to be a custom-made anti-Voldemort bomb.
A Good Man
According to author J.K. Rowling, Dumbeldore "is the epitome of goodness": demonstrated by his experimentation with endangered animal's blood, planning of a Nazi-style takeover of non-magical humans and how he maybe killed his own little sister. You know, like all good guys. Perhaps his most reprehensible act was when he discovered that Harry had a mindlink to Voldemort, and intentionally drove Harry to drown Voldemort and the reader in over eight hundred pages of whining teenage angst. Alas, only Voldemort escaped unharmed.
A Selfless Magician
Dumbledore had access to some of the most powerful magical artifacts in existence. Here's how he used them.
Phoenix Tears: Deus Ex Machina (one use only!)
Time-Turner: Make an annoying swot even more annoying.
Invincible Elder Wand: "Screw you guys and your desperate struggle against nigh-omnipotent evil, I'm taking this to my grave."
Invisibility Cloak: Enabling the "hero" to spend most of the books hiding under a blanket.
he sucks at his job and lets a couple of kids do his job for him
ReplyYeah Dumbledore was pretty terrible at his job. "Sir, the chamber of secrets is opened again! Do we close the school?"
Reply"No, just order more body bags and hope that it works itself out."
It's not underage in england
ReplyHe's underage as far as drinking goes.
As a HUGE fan, I have to say, this is pretty hilarious. I mean, he stretched the truth a little bit to make his points, but overall it's damn funny. I was reading it and though a part of my mind did automatically jump to defend ol' Albus, the other part was laughing too hard to care :)
ReplyI love articles where people's outraged responses are almost as funny as the article itself.
ReplyHonestly, I don't see what they're raging about. The article makes some very good observations.
I assume it's just the blinders they've put up to shield them from seeing anything bad about the books/characters.
When does the 'drinking with an underage boy' part happen? It's been a while since I've read the books so I can't quite remember what is being referenced.
ReplyBook six, when they go to the cave to look for the Slytherin Horrocrux
He's not drinking alcohol, guys, sheesh, quit making it sound so bad. It was just an evil potion that made him get really, really honest, cry a lot and act a little crazy! ... oh, wait....
:) This, coming from a self proclaimed Potterhead.
This was pretty funny, but I would like to point out a flaw in your logic. Dumbledore didn't become a headmaster in hopes that one of the kids could defeat Voldemort. As we learned in the second book, Dumbledore was a transfiguration professor when Voldemort went to school, before he was heinously evil (well, he was a little evil at school lol)
ReplyI would like to reiterate, I TOTALLY agree and find this funny, I was just pointing out a flaw in some of the logic
This was pretty funny and I freakin' love the Harry Potter books. For those of who got mad at the writer for this article, don't take yourselves too seriously.
ReplyI don't get the point. It's very obvious that Dumbledore was responsible for the entire perfectly crafted plan that lead to the final extinction of Voldemort. This article really doesn't reflect a true overall knowledge of the story. I can't imagine fans liking this article.
ReplySo what is the target demographic for this article? I would guess that it would be people forced to sit down and watch a Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family during Christmas.
Was this an attempt at trolling? This seems too articulately crafted to be someone raging.
Or are you actually someone intelligent terribly worked up over the humor in this article?
As a Harry Potter fanatic, I loved it! Admittedly, this article caused me to quite literally laugh out loud in my Anti-Semitism class, which, might I add, is not a good class to "lol" in. I loved the satire and this article definitely sated my desire for a nice, comedic roast of one of my favorite HP characters. Although I am slightly disappointed by the lack of homophobic puns, it was all-in-all a great article.
ReplyYou're in an Anti-Semitism class? What kind of a school do you go to!? I had always assumed that anti-semites were just naturally that way; I didn't realize there were classes for such things.... I would think that, in this day and age, we would have anti-anti-semitism classes (would that make them semitism classes?)
I love how this article whinges about how the fact that Dumbledore wasn't an angelically perfect human being in every way means he wasn't a good guy. It also makes some good points, but come on, mate, get a clue about some of the basic points of characterisation.
ReplyI suppose it depends on whether you view 'good' as 'well-intentioned', or 'actually accomplished good things'.
Man, Black Mage up there should have been the headmaster...
Reply"Fighter-doken!"
Lol hell yes. Voldy wouldn't last two seconds.
If they wrote 100 books about Black Mage, I'd read every single one of them.
HAH! A Dalek would just exterminate Dumbledore
ReplyI dunno, he *does* have a REALLY fukken kindly voice...
I'm glad Dumbledore wasn't perfect because it makes him a much more relateable character. If he was all bright perfect goodness he would have been boring and stupid. But yeah there are a lot of good points made here :')
ReplyThis was brilliant, hilarious,and absolutely correct. I hope nothing but good things happen to you for the rest of your life.
Replyf**k whoever wrote this.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYeah, but at least it was funny.
Ah, yes. The blatant expression of opinion. We don't see enough of those around here.
Says the person who can not even capitalize the first letter in the sentence much less write a good artical pointing out the nobody is perfect.
f**k you, good sir.
f**k is automatically autocorrected to be lowercase because of the censor.
Dumbledore actually refused to hire Voldemort. Tom Riddle (that's Voldemort before he turned evil) did go to Hogworts as a student (in Slytherin, of course), but Dumbledore wasn't headmaster at the time, and certainly didn't trust the kid. He was the only one that didn't.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAlso, Voldemort couldn't die until Potter croaked. Yippee.
But he hired Quirrel who was sharing the body with Voldemort
@rorolia: but, uh, he didn't know that.
Yeah, but the books imply - heavily - that he secretly knows everything, even the things he doesn't seem to know. Also, Snape warned him that Quirrel was up to s**t, and he did all of nothing about it.
In an interview awhile ago, J.K. Rowling said Dumbledore was gay, he was in love with Grindelwald, the wizard he had to kill. Yeah. Just...creepy.
ReplyGrindelwald never died until VOLDEMORT killed him, get your facts straight. This is just stupid, Dumbledore was THE best headmaster there could be and he planned EVERYTHING out.
@CoreyCollins Including making children live in a schhol with: a cerberus, a basilisk, a body shared by voldemort and quirrel, giant spiders in the forest, dementors and worst of all, Quidditch.
There are theories that Dumbledore was actually working for Voldemort the entire time. The fact that they make more sense than his actually being good is probably what speaks most to Rowling's utter failure as a writer.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThe books are quite well-written. The story doesn't stand up to scrutiny, however.
@dorp - bite me. harry potter is the best f*****g series ever.
Actually the books are well-written. They have some problems but they're still pretty enjoyable novels.
Please, don't tell me you are a Twilight fan...
both HP and twilight are awful if inspected, the only different is twilight went on to be awful as movies whereas HP was pretty decent over all...also twilight is just sort of awful
HEY! don't talk s**t about Dumbledore!
Reply