Climate Gate

In the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church tried to silence all opposition, research, and questions into how the world works that ran counter to their beliefs. In the 1990's and 2000's, it was "scientists" who were doing this.

Just The Facts

  1. Climategate is about the millionth time the word "Gate" has been attached to something to describe a conspiracy.
  2. Climategate exposes the shady dealings of top-level scientists that the United Nations rely upon for Climate policies.
  3. Climategate does not exist, according to NBC, ABC, and CBS news organizations which refused to cover the story for 14 days and counting after the story broke and made it the front page of every British paper, CNN, Foxnews, and even The Daily Show.
  4. Climategate proves all science is horseshit, according to religious fundamentals.

Cracked on Climategate

Someone (rumored to be the first blogger to actually do something worth writing about) hacked into the email servers at the Climatic Research Unite at East Anglia University in England and posted their emails at various webpages located in such exotic locals as Tomsk Russia. While it was rumored that lots of embarrassing personal emails between scientist were discovered, the real find was professional correspondences that seem to reveal a massive amount of data manipulation, false studies, and a coordinated effort to discredit those scientists who don't manipulate their data to support the belief that humans have caused the Earth to warm.

Before we get to the whole conspiracy that might wind up severely damaging the global economy in the name of psuedo-science, let's focus a bit on those personal emails. What kind of juicy tidbits could we find in the private emails of men and (presumably, or at least theoretically possible) women who have dedicated their lives to studying temperature? We here at Cracked will now reveal the inner workings of the heart of some of the biggest scientist-nerds on the planet:

"I saw that cleaning lady in the hall again today, Greg. She wouldn't even look at me! I know I'm not much of a looker, but I have six major doctorate degrees... besides, she's 40 years old, walks with a limp, and has a mole with hair on it on her face. It's no use, I know she thinks I'm some disgusting pig because I leave my notes all over my desk in such disarray. But I can't help it, when she swings that mop around the floor my mind races with uncanny thoughts... and not just about thermodynamic law and inertia, mind you. I think I experience the sensation that normal humans call "getting horned up." I get as erect as the recently discovered Orrorin tugenensis!"

"Uhm, Greg, Your Scientific Instrument is Showing."

The rather unscientific actions of "scientists"

So what was learned from the emails (other then the primitive and unsuccessful mating techniques of the uber-nerd?

First, it appears that scientists don't get the same amount of ads for Viagra over the internet that most of us do. Seriously, why the fuck are we even on that list? That infuriates us. It's like someone out there just assumes we have erection problems but aren't not smart enough to drive down to Tijuana and pick up some of our little blue helper. I'll have you know we are smart enough to do that, thank you very much. We presume this means that scientists have some sort of super-awesome spam blocker they are keeping for themselves like the greedy bastards we know they are.

Secondly, scientists are about as faithful to the scientific method as Tiger Woods is to his wife.

Thirdly, our high school chem lab teacher was so full of shit when she said that we'd never make it as scientists if we fudged our data rather then re-run the whole damn experiment. Well thanks a lot Mrs. Haven for shutting that door. Do you know how much research scientists get paid? Us neither, but we're sure it's more then "internet humorists" get paid. Thanks a fucking lot Mrs H.

Fourthly, Scientists are willing to go to such amazing links to scare us into changing our behavior, have you seen this piece about how global warming is going to make snakes and alligators team up to kill us from Florida to New Jersey?

Oh Dear God... If We Had To Stand Next To This And Give A Speech It Would Be The Sum Of All Our Fears In One Horrible, Horrible Situation.

So what exactly did the scientists do that they're not supposed to do?

1. Rigged the codes in the computer to artificially increase the temperature to make up for when there were no increase in temps, especially since 1998 on during which time the temps have actually fallen from the one time high of 1998's temp.

2. Created a plan for how to blacklist scientists, researchers, and journal editors who didn't accept manmade Global Warming. In fact, even those who said they weren't sure about the topic were blacklisted. They then talked about how to ruin any scientific journal that published any work of doubters. They had decided they would not publish in any journal that would publish any countering views, nor would they cite any other works from that journal thus cutting off that journal's prestiege in an attempt to ruin it.

3. Discussed other methods of changing the data to explain away inconsistencies with the data and their desired results.

But this is a one time deal, right?

Uhm... no. there's the famous hockey stick model, which was a major masterpiece of a fraud. Oh and guess who depended upon that bit of unscientific ficition? Oh, just the United Nations with the Intergovernmental Panel On Climate Change.

How We All Fell For It

So Manmade Global Warming is all a hoax, right?

Well, maybe.... and maybe not. There are other scientists whose data might be more reliable. We suppose there has to be some good scientists in a world filled with evil scientist, right? If we've learned nothing else from Comic books and cartoons, it is that for every mad scientist there is a good scientist working hard to stop him and vice versa. Like Doctor Doom vs Reid Richards, right?

But the bigger question is why did we all fall for this shit?

Was it because we just assume people with degrees are going to tell us the truth? Your grade-school teacher had degrees of some sort and they lied all the fucking time, didn't they? Lawyers have degrees, right? They're real honest, especially when they're elected to represent the public interest as Congressmen, right? On the flipside, how many high school dropouts (who don't owe you money and are not dating your teenage daughter) have ever lied to you? Not a one, right? What the fuck, man?

So why did we fall for it? One word: Charts. You just can't argue with charts. That hockey stick model blew our fucking minds when Al Gore slammed it in our face. Despite the fact that even then we knew it was bullshit (there was no Medieval Warm Period) we were helpless... it was a chart! With colors! You can't fight that shit.

As You Can See, Four out of Four Scientists Agree, "We're Fucked."

Computers Make Faking Shit Easier.

Unless you've never heard of photoshop, you know that computers make it easier to fuck with things. That's pretty much what these scientists did. They made a computer program that allowed them to fake the data by taking the data they collected (supposedly valid, but who knows at this point?) and throwing in some random numbers to make the data look scarier. No shit. Seriously. Imagine if your fantasy football commissioner were allowed to throw in some random numbers to his scoreline each week... you'd raise all kinds of hell. Especially if money was on the line, which by the way, billions have been spent on green initiatives around the world thanks to the efforts of people like Michael Mann whose methods have been exposed as fraudulent. He's probably working for Dr. Doom.

The whole issue was seriously in question before we even get to the point of putting the data into a computer program that is designed to change the data to make it appear temps are increasing of late. Apparently, counting tree rings is pretty freakin' hard. Then the data itself was taken into 30 year means, smoothed out for anomalies, then re-wrinkled with simple averaging. Presumably because computers couldn't handle all that raw data. Oh by the way, it seems the decisions of what trees to use is kind of a big deal. Also, if trees are vital to the environment why are scientists cutting down so many in mass executions of the only thing standing between us and the greenhouse effect?

Okay, So Its Not ALWAYS Bad To Use a Computer to Fake Things (Who Even Noticed That Her Belly Button Was Missing?)

A Conservatives Wet Dream

While Scientists have came off looking like frauds from this whole mess, Conservatives are lining up to form one big "douche conga-line" by making equally stupid claims that this proves them right about everything.

You get one Guess where this is headed:

Manmade Global Warming is false; therefore Evolution must be false too. Right? If one scientist is a fraud, then they all are, right? That's how we know all Jews are greedy, Asians are smart, and White Guys have little dicks, right? It's so much easier to stereotype then put the effort into thinking, agreed?

But for now nobody's publicly made that claim (yet). So instead we're treated to the "brilliant" new phrase "Watermelon Marxist" for someone who is "Green" on the outside but "Red" on the inside. How long do you give it until someone claims this is racist?

As Japan has proven, weird things happen when science and produce mix.

Square Watermelons: Thank You Very Much Japanese Scientists

The Fishy Timing of It All...

So perhaps lost in all this is the fact that the emails were hacked and released into the wild just a month or so before the world's leaders came together in Copenhagen, Denmark to sign a new batch of environmentally friendly/economically crippling legislation. Did we mention that it was a crime to hack emails and reveal personal info? Does this sound familiar? Didn't we just go through this same hacking a famous person story right before the 2008 election? Of course then all we found out is that Sarah Palin is as hokey in private as she is in public.

But sadly, the world's leaders learned nothing from the whole deal as during the Copenhagen meetings text-messages were hacked and exposed that reveal the world's leaders were planning to screw the little guys by totally abandoning the same Kyoto treaty they'd been boasting about for a decade and making lots of loopholes for the most powerful nations to do whatever the hell they want. God Bless The American Way, eh Gents?

Pick The Winning Craption For This Photo:

1) Even Guyana Wants Nothing to Do With Haiti... It's Sad Really.

2) Haiti Regretted Sending Ambassador Fartsalot to the Copenhagen Meetings.

3) Moments After Haiti's Delegate Learned She Would Be Personally Billed For All The Pornographic Movies She Watched in Her Hotel Room.

4) Moments After Haiti's Delegate Learned She Would Have To Return Home To Haiti At The End of The Conference.