Long ago, the NFL decided that teams should have mascots for some reason. Most mascots are respectable, or at least not pussyesque or weird as fuck. But some teams fumbled while designing their mascots and created the retarded icons featured here.
No, that is not a Beanie Baby, although with a name like "Sir Purr" that wouldn't be a huge surprise. Seriously, one would think that when designing a mascot, you should at least attempt to make it intimidating. Maybe the makers of Sir Purr were attempting, but it was a half-assed attempt at best.
See that guy? That's a deadly-ass mofu. And Sir Pussy is Carolina's interpretation of that nightmare stalker? They couldn't make an evenly slightly intimidating mascot out of this cat. Sir Purr looks like he belongs on a cereal box, not the football field.
Holy. Shit. This animal is terrifying, and yet Sir Purr looks like all he wants is a hug. Well, it's more likely that he'll be getting punches to his retardedly cutesy face.
Why couldn't the Carolina Panthers' mascot look more like fire-panther up there?
This looks like a pretty badass mascot-- what isn't badass about a ripped bolt of electricity? Sure, once it's explained what exactly the hell he is, Boltman is cool. But he also resemles an angry, physically overpowering banana, which is incredibly disturbing to buttholes everywhere. Maybe that's not what most people get from seeing him. Most people probably just ask, "What the hell is that thing?" And the earlier version of Boltman is even weirder:
Seriously, he looks like he's about to rape somebody. Which then again might intimidate the opposing team. Maybe Boltman isn't such a bad mascot after all. But he's sure as hell weird.
First of all, they're named after a creepy-ass drunk author. And also, they look a helluva lot like the unabashedly racist crows from Dumbo.
Racist ravens reveal reckless reasoning, resulting in retarded mascots. Not a perfect alliteratiion, but it was pretty nice.
And lastly; they're freakin' birds. Nothing at all cool about that. Not like the Cardinals or Eagles; those birds are unique and majestic. But ravens are just big crows. If they were all in a creepy castle with gargoyles and lighting in a black sky, then they would be intimidating. But otherwise, they are just boring birds.
Blue is incredibly lame. Horses are pretty girly, what with My Little Ponies and the fact that every single girl has desperatly wanted a horse/pony their entire childhood. But it's not like you can't make a horse cool. Look at the Broncos' mascot:
See that?? That's Miles the horse. The Broncos made their mascot a freaking Rapidash, arguably the most badass horse ever besides Pegasus. Why couldn't the Colt's make a cool mascot in vein of Miles? Because they're lame, apparently.
Dolphins are lovable. Dolphins are adorable. Dolphins are not intimidating in any way though. Contrary to popular belief, real life dolphins are actually pretty badass. They take on sharks and kill them. But in the eye of the publc, they are nothing more than gay sharks. They've been so pussified by pop culture that nobody takes them seriously. You might as well make your team mascot a kitten or baby.
It's really inexcusable on Miami's part. A water creature makes sense obviously, but there are so many way cooler animals they could have used. Like sharks, sting rays, giant squids, barracudas, or killer whales. Oh well, at least they've got their cheerleaders going for them.
There really isn't that much wrong with T-Rac. Sure, raccoons aren't exactly scary, but he kind of looks like a bank robber. Maybe it's to convey that he'll ROB the opposing team of a win? But the real thing wrong with him is his name. It sounds like he has messed up boobs.
Maybe not quite that messed up. In fact that is one of the most disturbing images on the internet. But it's a very unfortunate name. If T-Rac had a different name then he'd be alright. Seriously, what would be wrong with Rick the Racoon? Or Racoon Robbie? Either of those, and countless others, would be better names.
Much like T-Rac, this guy's name is a problem. Steely McBeam? Really Pittsburgh? It doesn't help that he also looks like a pornstar.
Below the camera, he's ramming her from two feet away.
Other name ideas were Hardy Rodman, Twelve Inch Tim, and Iron Giantpenis but they were deemed too suggestive.