The Best NFL Mascots

NFL Football is a hard hitting, no holds barred (except for holding, which is a penalty) kind of game. What better way to represent this action packed struggle on the gridiron than to have costumed creatures dance around to "the Hey song!"

If all else fails, assume fetal position.

These mascots represent the Falcons, Broncos, Marijuana, Buccaneers, and Jaguars.

This appears to be wrong for a variety of reasons.

Just The Facts

  1. Mascots are funny caricatures of some aspect of the team's name. Not everybody likes them.
  2. Five teams in the NFL do not have mascots, they are the Packers, Jets, Giants, Raiders and Rams.
  3. Technically then, these teams probably have the "best" mascots.
  4. Since "best" is a relative term, in this case it will now mean "most fun to mock."

Steely McBeam - Steelers

The Pittsburgh Steelers were the first NFL team to have cheerleaders. They were called The Steelerettes and from 1961 to 1969 they gained notoriety for their famous pyramid.
Hot.
Raunchy.
The Steelerettes eventually disbanded in 1970 after the Steelers began a slow decline into suckitude in 1963. Since that time, the Steelers never had another cheerleading squad, being one of only six teams to lack these marvels of motivation. The reason being that the owners felt cheerleaders didn't fit the Steelers image and they would be nothing more than a distraction from the action of football.
I am so irritated right now.
Pictured: Totally irritating distraction.
So in 2007, to pump up the crowds as part of the 75th anniversary of the franchise, the Pittsburgh Steelers unveiled... this guy.
Not gay in the least.
Who wants to watch some foooootbaaall!
Steely McBeam, a cross between Coach Bill Cowher and the gay construction worker from the Village People. And how did they get such a catchy name? Why, it was the winning entry among more than 70,000 names entered into a contest! The winning entry. What kind of names must have been rejected for this to be the winning entry? Jimmy Hardhat? Hammer O'Toole? Dick Ironpole? Perhaps like a real construction worker, he makes cat calls at the opposing team in an effort to anger and confuse them. And if so, well played, Steelers, well played.

Ragnar - Vikings

What do you get when you cross 80's era professional wrestling and a drunk Dungeons and Dragons fan?

Critial fail.

This.

Played by Joseph Juranitch, Ragnar the Viking is one of the only human based mascots that is actually played by a human and not a grotesque caricature with an insanely huge head. If having a crazy bearded man stomping around the field wasn't badass enough, sometimes he rides around on a motorcycle.

Ragna-rocks!

Bad. Ass.

Apparently, Joe Joe got the job by auditioning to be the Vikings mascot. Because for a job like this, you can't just go down to the mascot store and pick up the homeless fellow bumming change on the sidewalk - you need professionals for this kind of work. And what better way to hit rock bottom in your life than to be rejected as a team mascot?

But that's not to take away from Joe's badassery. Who among us wouldn't take a job dressing like a Viking and riding around on a motorcycle? Hell, I'm sure half of you call that a Saturday night. One thing that sets Joe above the rest, though, is that he currently holds the world record for fastest time "shaving a beard with a double-sided axe." Since 1982, nobody has beat 8 minutes and 43 seconds, and most likely half the people who tried bled to death like little whiny babies.

Walk it off.

Walk it off, pussy.

Boltman - Chargers

Sometimes you have a team that really lends itself to a mascot. The Bears have a grizzly bear, the Lions have a lion, the Cowboys have some kind of aborted child. But when your team is named after electricity, it's kind of hard to get a real concept going. That is, until Dan Jauregui came up with a stellar concept - "pants-shittingly terrifying lightning bolt nightmare monster."

Pray to the god of your choice.

I will haunt your dreams. Also, go Chargers.

Boltman has been the unofficial Chargers mascot since 1996 and spent 13 years ruining children's NFL experience. And when we say unofficial, we mean that Dan decided, totally on his own, to dress up in a ridiculous costume and then go out in public. It's like Batman, if instead of fighting crime and looking like a badass, Batman took loads of LSD and dressed up in a banana costume to cheer on a sports team.

But to be fair, the Boltman costume didn't always resemble an escaped mental patient's attempt at becoming a comic book villain. No, he used to be a lot more kid friendly.

I have candy.

Kid friendly in the pedophile sense.

He looks like the mascot for an extreme energy drink aimed at sexual deviants. His only items of clothing are sunglasses and gloves, presumably to get a better grip on fleeing children. The fact that somebody would design and then walk around in a naked lightning bolt costume ought to be a reason to commit a person to an institution of some kind. Instead, Boltman has had police escorts to away games, been to the Pro Bowl, and even run out onto the field with the team. It's a truly heartwarming lesson for us all.

T-Rac - Titans

When you think of the Titans, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? If you said, raccoon driving an ATV, then congratulations, you must be a Titans executive.

Vroom vroom!

Clearly a Titan.

T-Rac also has an extensive array of motorized vehicles including a chariot and a rocket-car. He sometimes wears a Greek helmet to make up for the fact that an animal which digs around in trash and gives you rabies has nothing whatsoever to do with the mythology of Greece from which the Titan comes from.

While we're questioning the idea behind this mascot, what is with the name T-Rac? Titans Raccoon? Could you honestly get any less creative with this concept? At least if they had named it Tycoon there would be some kind of connection between "titans of industry" and the ridiculous animal that was chosen. And on top of that, Tennessee used to be called the Oilers, so Tycoon is a kind of sly nod to the history of the franchise. Then again, this is football and that concept is probably so far above the heads of the average football fan in Tennessee that it's really a miracle the guy's not named Funny Squirrel.

Things starts to make a little more sense when you find out that the raccoon is the state animal of Tennessee. Still, though, that's like the Washington Redskins picking an Olympic Marmot as their mascot.

Nice marmot.

Nice marmot.

T-Rac's real claim to fame, though, was in 2006 during a preseason game. T-Rac was riding around in his cart like the little scamp was wont to do, when halftime came around and it was time for everybody to go back to the locker room. New Orleans Saints backup quarterback Adrian McPherson was running off the field when, in a bit of irony, he was turned into roadkill by a raccoon. T-Rac accidentally slammed into the ill-fated QB - which broke his leg and literally ended his NFL career - and proved that a true mascot will straight up maim for his team.

Hey, you laugh but this thing gets 40 miles per gallon.

Bloodlust.

T.D. - Dolphins

There are so many less ways to make a dolphin look cool than there are to make it look like some kind of weird abomination. One of the worst ways to make it look cool, however, would probably be to stick an ill-fitting helmet on it.

This is just so depressing.

If I could hold a gun I would shoot myself.

T.D. looks like something that would be created if Disney was going for a jovial, huggable dolphin character and just gave up, settling for pathetic and a little bit horrific. It's almost close to being somewhat normal looking (for a mascot), even fun maybe, but there's just something about him that makes him unsettling to be arou-- OH GOD BEHIND YOU!!

Say cheese -- OH MY GOD RUN!!

Horror.

To be fair, a dolphin is probably one of the least intimidating animals Miami could've chosen for its football team, so T.D. doesn't have a whole lot to work with in the first place. But seriously, what is with that helmet? Now, it's not exactly "politically correct" to say it looks like a "retard helmet," but there's no more accurate way to describe it. And it gets even better when you realize it's even more accurate to say it's like if a retard was wearing a helmet with a picture of himself on it.

Still, what child wouldn't want to hang out with a lovable, if slightly retarded, dolphin friend?

There, there, it'll all be over soon.

I will eat your soul. Also, go Dolphins.

It's entirely safe to say T.D. was a contributing factor to Ricky Williams smoking so much reefer.