Weezer

Despite having a front man who's the size of a smurf in a trenchcoat standing on the shoulders of another smurf so they can get into a dirty movie, Weezer's music attained cult status. Then they said fuck that - the mainstream has money and boobs.

Just The Facts

  1. Weezer invented Geek Chic
  2. Hence they are one of the forbears of today's deadly hipster over-population problem
  3. Rivers Cuomo may or may not be a leprechaun
  4. Half Japanese girls do it to him e-ver-y time

The Good Life

We loved Weezer in High School. Those geeky-cool rockers spoke aloud a language most dared not whisper at the time for fear of swift jock vengeance. Twenty sided dice, a deep fear of girls, and other things that are the hallmarks of young Cracked writers/ future parolees.

But, much like Margarita Mondays in the Cracked cafeteria, it was too beautiful to last. We went away to college. Weezer went on hiatus. It was a strain, sure - the temptation to listen to new and obscure bands was always there. Then Weezer came back, and we thought we could pick up were we left off.

But something was... different, not quite right. We'd grown up, and Weezer hadn't. Now, Weezer is the hometown friend whose favorite part of the day is driving his Ford Probe past the high school to scope out the girls.

Hey baby need a lift?

Beverly Hills

Weezer's 1994 self titled album went triple platinum and is the only reason most of us know who Buddy Holly is. Its follow up album, Pinkerton, while lagging commerically, is a cult favorite. Weezer had the ability to 1) make songs about the kinds of weird thoughts and obscure obsessions that mostly came with being young and awkward, and 2) rock the hell out while doing it.

Because they embraced geek culture before it became ironic and cool, it is tempting, but ultimately futile, to blame them for the later emo and hipster epidemics. It's not like killing the head vampire.

For each one you kill, two more take its place

Weezer then decided to take a break for a couple years. The hardcore fans were still there, but for the average John Q. Nickleback, Weezer seemed to drop off. Time went on, and Rivers took to wearing Weezer t-shirts around town, thus creating an irony/ anti-irony explosion that left a vortex that hipsters have been trying to fill ever since. At some point, though, he must have realized that hey, without a guitar, chicks just aren't into guys they have to bend over to kiss.

So in 2001 Weezer came out with another album. They decided to self title it - again - in an apparent effort to either break from the past and start over, or confuse the hell of moms trying to do their Christmas shopping. They then publicly dissed their old music, Pinkerton in particular, and were quoted as saying that they preferred their new fans to their old ones.

Imagine your favorite band telling you to piss off they don't want you to be their fan anymore.

I had to trade a limited edition Boba Fett for this ass-beating stick, Weezer. That's two you owe me.

The backlash was drowned out by four more albums and a cliff-dive in the quality of their music. Riding the wave of psuedo-indie sounds that became marketable mainstream pop (re: crap), Weezer's new music was essentially aimed at people who do whatever the radioman tells them to do. Heavy MTV exposure (does anyone remember when MTV had anything at all to do with music?) firmly entrenched Weezer in the jittery, screaming bossom of teenie boppers everywhere. Meanwhile, Weezer's 2005 album Make Believe was given a score of 0.4 out of 10 by Pitchfork Media. That's less than half of one out of ten.

Weezer's latest single, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To" is about a guy waiting for a girl to make the first move, presumably because he's concentrating on pretending that she's a guy (because like, he's totally gay, ba-zing!). The song contains such scintillating and original lyrics as, "I swear it's true, without you my heart is blue."

"Song writing is totally easy you guys"

Ok, we know what some of you are thinking: "Now, let's be fair for a second," here you pause to push your Elvis Costello glasses higher on your nose, "Weezer gets lots of radio play, their records sales are high, and they even filmed one of their vidoes at the Playboy Masion."

First of all, you should know that fairness has been genetically bred out of Cracked staff. In fact, we are randomly thrown into death matches with each other (we move the table out of the break room) where cheating is not only acceptable, it is often your only chance for survival. Second, you just know Rivers didn't get no trim at that mansion, not even in the grotto.

Nevertheless, if only to crush such naivete once and for all, we'll allow a Weezer fan a rebuttal:

...

Oh, that's right, 12 year old girls don't read Cracked. Oh, snap!