Ownage

Apart from being one of the most powerful spiritual experiences, ownage is the thing all men strive for on a subconscious level. But what is it really and what does it take to truly own. Read on to find out THE TRUTH about this widely misused term.

Some things just aren't ownage...

Just The Facts

  1. In a gaming environment, ownage is the act of letting the level you're on know you are superior, often through the use of humiliation, cheats, hacks and occasionally, skill.
  2. Kicking someone in the crotch when they're not looking isn't ownage.
  3. Ownage can be done to anything, even inanimate objects.
  4. Ownage transcends race, age, religion and any other differences. Everyone has the chance.

So what IS ownage?

Stumbling across many gaming forums, video hosting websites and any remote place on the internet that inhabits a 12 year old, one, without a shadow of a doubt, will hear the words "own", "ownage", (with some regional variations, such as "pwned", "pwnd" + some faggots who simply can't spell), but many have grown so accustomed to the word, they forget what it means to truly OWN. Whilst kicking an 82-year old in the balls when he's not looking is fucking funny and makes you feel like the alpha male of the neighbourhood, unless the victim was a 6'5 former green beret, you'll only make yourself look like a pussy in front of that girl who is probably watching through the window across the road, shaking her head dissaprovingly at your scrawny torso (because admit, you were topless at that time...). The truth is, you can't own if there's no theoretical risk to yourself (please don't confuse with the idea of owning your personal belongings, unless you've smuggled a fucking crocodile into your pond, you're alright).

Now, thanks to the 21 century's advances in online technology, it isn't all that hard to find out what a word means. Let's take the "define" feature of google for starters:

"ownership; triumph or domination; When one player has a history of domination over another player."
See? Owning is all about making other people your bitches, making yourself fucking history and dominating the faggot in any imaginable way. Heck, you can even claim his girlfriend, his possesions, as the word suggests you OWNED him. Whilst the past tense seems to suggest the owning happened some time ago and therefore must have expired, the idea is bullshit and you can ignore it.

owned... by the computer

Fuck you! I OWNED you. And I still do!

Fortunately for you, once you own, there is no un-own. This means the bitch belongs to you untill it dies, hell, his gravestone belongs to you too, because you own everything that has his fucking name on it, uncluding any random bastard that is unlucky enough to share the surname with the low-life.

The act of OWNAGE.

So we got past the whole concept and theoretical description, now its time for action. So how do you actually own someone? What is it about a simple act or event that magically transforms it into ownage and crowns you the owner of the owned? We don't expect you to follow all the rules, but the simple diagram explains the reasonable criteria an act of ownage should meet. Anything else is nothing but a failed attempt at self flattery and you should stop trying too hard or you'll bleed internally and fucking explode.

how to own...

people die trying...

As you see, ownage is not just about punching a kid in the face while your friends video 'the ownage' on their shitty phones. It's more than just an idiocy-filled act of human harassment- its a way of life. People die trying, so next time you're about to upload yourself kicking a paralytic in his rotten dick, ask yourself this question: "Is this really good enough?"

Those who succeded often compare the act of ownage to twenty kundalini awakenings and three orgasms all at the same time, to the power of four, if that makes any fucking sense. Hallucinations and sensory disturbances are common, yet many go unreported as you simply forget the minute details, the surge of dopamine wiping your memory the next day, the residue of this heavenly sensation staying with you forever.

It is currently a big subject of controversy, whether ownage expires after one's death. Experts say the energy eventually runs out and the person/ object/ situation is freed from this horrid curse, but recent evidence suggests especially violent ownage latches onto the energy fields found running beneath the surface of the planet and powers itself for eternity. Let us hope that by now you'll have expanded your knowledge and will use it to make the intergalactic storage of OWN a better place.