Labyrinth may be one of the most unintentionally disturbing movies ever created. For anyone who didn't grow up in the 80's, like myself, David Bowie is fucking terrifying. And he's all up in this movie.

It is exactly what it looks like

Let's show this to children

Just The Facts

  1. David Bowie is a pedophile in this movie. That doesn't stop him from alternately trying to kill and have sex with a 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly.
  2. This movie's IMDb rating is 7.3, which proves that IMDb is in fact an unreliable resource for movie information.
  3. Warning: You cannot unsee this movie.

Weird from the Beginning

This movie doesn't fuck around. it starts right off with a strange and prophetic shot of Jennifer Connelly talking about goblins near some stone bridge. OK, you think. This is like the 1980's version of Harry Potter, i can dig. Everything seems pretty straightforward. She goes home, parents are pissed, she's misunderstood, whatever. Her parents leave her at home to babysit and they get the fuck out for some drinks.

But wait, her little brother is a total buzz kill! Lame. No wonder the dad and step-mom are always leaving him with Jen Connelly (Sarah) and getting hammered. This little diapered fuck is going to ruin her night of sulking around and fantasy novels.

So Mad

She is so mad that she starts babbling about goblins again, and how she wishes they would come take this helpless toddler. For the record, that toddler was pretty emphatic and loud about its distress. What a dick.

Anyway, she hits the nail on the head: she mutters the one incantation on earth that unleashes the furriest hoard of baby-stealing goblins you will see all week. They are all Jim Henson's creations, (See: Abominations) and every one of them is somehow unsettling. Imagine Animal from the muppet show, but a lot less likable/sane. Then things take a turn for the worse, when -

The pedophile swoops in

David Bowie materialized via a great snowy owl (true.) Then he immediately offers our protagonist a gift, a classic pedophile move. And this isn't just any gift, but a crystal ball. She's pretty young, and for all intensive purposes not very intelligent, but she knows not to take a gift from this guy. Then Bowie gives her an ultimatum: "Make it through my labyrinth, or your little brother will be turned into a goblin and then sodomized. By me."

By now there has been a shady transition scene, and they're standing in front of the actual labyrinth. Not in Jen Connelly's house. She had no comment for being teleported. Doesn't even give it a second thought. In fact she defiantly accepts the challenge, to save the small child that she'd desperately wanted to get rid of mere minutes before. The entire labyrinth comes down to about four arbitrary situations, and she easily gets her brother back, and preserves her virginity, despite being in a dimension where literally all beings and rules of physics were created by David Bowie. Horrible movie. That's not the point.