The Kool-Aid Man

The Kool-Aid Man is the product of black magic and the unfulfilled wishes of dying orphans. He is better known as the mascot of sugar water.

Just The Facts

  1. Kool-Aid man is the official mascot of Kool-Aid, which is powder that turns into a juice-like drink when mixed with water
  2. The last official sighting of the Kool-Aid man was on November 18, 1978 during which, he murdered 918 people.
  3. The Kool-Aid man was featured in a video game for the Atari 2600
  4. The Kool-Aid man also held a short-lived series of Marvel Comics in the 1980's
  5. The Kool-Aid man was originally called the Pitcher Man.

How He Came to Be

The Kool-Aid Man was created as the Pitcher Man in 1954 by a man named Marvin Plotts who got the idea from his son drawing faces on a frosted window, allegedly. However, nothing as evil as the Kool-Aid man can be created by a child.

Unless, of course, it was this child.

This "Pitcher Man" did not become the Kool-Aid Man until 1975. He earned this title the only way he knew how, mindless destruction. Early in his career, he could be summoned by the words, "Hey! Kool-Aid!". After hearing these words, the sleeping demon would arise and burst through solid walls with super human strength and exclaim his famous catch phrase, "Oh Yeah!". He would often do this into a room of unsupervised children.

Mommy and daddy aren't home?.... OH YEAH!!!

As time continued, the Kool-Aid Man's magic grew, probably by feeding on the tears of frightened children. He was able to not only burst through solid walls despite being a glass pitcher full of tropical punch, he was able to carry these children off to mysterious islands and parties where all the water was replaced by Kool-Aid, sugary, sugary Kool-Aid.

"I went to that island once...."

How all those parties end.

My Encounter With the Kool-Aid Man

Me: Man, I'm thirsty. I would much rather stir some powder into water and add just the right, impossible to achieve amount of sugar to make something decently mediocre than to pop open a soda waiting cold in my refrigerator... Hey! Kool-Aid!

Sudden explosion occurs. My kitchen wall is fucking vaporized. Through the dust, I see the shape of what seems to be a giant pitcher. I immediately piss my pants out of fear.

Kool-Aid Man: Oh Yeah!

I continue to shiver as he approaches. His constantly smiling face is getting closer. He looks at me and hands me a pitcher of pre-made Kool-Aid.

Me: What the fuck are you?

He winks at me and trundles away through the fucking hole he somehow made in the side of my fucking house. I shrug and take a sip of the Kool-Aid, only to find out he added too much sugar.

Me: You son of a bitch.

I still don't have enough money to fix my wall and possums bite me as I sleep.