Bullshit Science

Science freaking rules, but sometimes there are claims by "scientists" that make you want to claim "Bullhonkey!"

Science!

Bullshit science.

Just The Facts

  1. Science at its best is used to benefit the rest of mankind through such inventions as the telephone, the printing press, and the above-pictured flaming watermelon.
  2. At its worst, science is an utter lie used to bamboozle people.
  3. The word "bamboozle" doesn't get used nearly as much as it should.

Top Examples

Here, I will list five of the worst bullshit science offenders. You should use these as examples of what not to listen to.

#5- Google Safe Search is Safe
What They Claim:
The people who want you to believe this are most likely Google execs and your mother. They believe that you can't find porn and viruses while the safe search is up.
What's Actually Up:
You can find porn and viruses while the safe search is up. Widely the most purported claim on this list, the belief that Google safe search is safe is laughable at best. The moment my innocence died was in fifth grade when I was googling the differences in gender with the safe search on. This came up:
Real fucking safe Google! I wonder how many children's lives were stolen whilst they went about their business doing anatomy reports and other such activities. Not to mention the crippling viruses those sponsored ads give you. They are worse the children's ward at your local hospital, and those little bitches all need hugs. At least Google's sponsored ads don't need hugs because, first of all, think of how awkward that would be, and secondly, I'm pretty sure computer viruses can spread to humans. No lie, I read it in a book somewhere.
Not pictured: the swarms of debilitating viruses.
What It Would Mean If They Were Right:
You would have to look for your porn on… Yahoo… Ugh… It makes me feel so dirty. Who wants to look for porn on Yahoo? Dead people and hobos.
Frequent Yahoo user
#4- The Earth Is Flat
What They Claim:
The reliable sources at The Flat Earth Society claim that the Earth is flat. These are also the people who claim that gravity does not exist because we would all fall off the Earth; why this would not happen on a flat Earth I don't know, but I assume the U.S. government heavily funds projects to find out what. In addition to believing that over 500 years of science is wrong, they go way back to Ancient Egyptian pagan beliefs, presumably because the last Mummy's curse didn't destroy the Earth enough. Think Sun revolves around the Earth. Yes, they believe in a geocentric universe, which means that every single solar system model you have ever seen in your entire life and every science teacher you have ever had, is wrong.
One of their primary arguments for why the Earth is flat is what is called the "Photoelectric Suspension Theory." For those uninitiated, this basically means that tiny pieces of string hold up the Earth. You know those cheesy effects in Star Wars, where they hold up the Death Star by fishing line; those are based on reality. Their second argument is that we live in a Efimovich-type universe, which has a name so absurd that it must be true. Or it could be complete bullshit.
What Actually Holds Up the Earth. Really.
What's Actually Up:
Your teachers are right (I'm sure that must be hard for some of you to concede). The Earth is round and all the planets in the solar system orbit it. Also, there is no ether. In fact, I'm pretty sure the entire Flat Earth Society believes that the crap that you scribble on a napkin while high on LSD is scientific data. These people are so fucked up that they honest to God, believe that there is no atmosphere and that earthquakes happen because truckers drive on the edge of the world and make cracks in the "ice wall."
What It Would Mean If They Were Right:
Every single government on the face of the planet was involved in a conspiracy theory, every single scientist everywhere was fucking wrong, and that a bunch of drunk bums (probably from Kansas) can expose over 1000 years of cover-up. At this point, I would totally kill myself because I happen to like things the way they are.
Science at work.
#3- LSD is Medicine
What They Claim:
LSD, the drug that made Syd Barrett think he was an orange for 3 days, is something that can make you healthy. Due to renewed interest in the psychological effects of hallucinogens, scientists have studied LSD and concluded that it can help people who are schizophrenic, depressed, and/or have headaches. Those are three of LSD's symptoms; so when you go into the doctor's office saying that you're suffering from schizophrenia brought on by a drug trip, your doctor, who has a medical degree, a fucking medical degree, will prescribe more LSD. Now, I am not qualified in any way, but I think that treating drug flashbacks with more drugs sounds drug-induced.
Picture of a sane man.
What's Actually Up:
There's no doubt that society owes LSD a huge debt; without it we wouldn't have DNA, the '60's (the cool part), or Phish. But that shit fucks people up, fucks them up bad. I mean this crap makes you think you have wings, which is awesome until you die. Seriously, don't do acid unless you want to imagine that you're being hunted down by some Megaman/Mothman hybrid. And that that elephant that's sitting next to you in the movie theatre is not just some fat guy.
What It Would Mean If They Were Right:
Timothy Leary, the man who hosted LSD fueled orgies was actually sane. Dark Side of the Moon was actually a coherent statement. Oh, and A Brave New World would be a Hell of a lot closer.
#2- The Earth has A Time Cube
What They Claim:
The earth has a 24 hour time cube that happens every 24 hours. Actually, I have no fucking clue what they (?) claim. The whole site is nearly unreadable, it's only redeeming quality being that it is in English. And that it is thoroughly hilarious. Enjoy this quote from it and tell me if you know what it means:
"We (Mom, Dad & Me), Gene Ray
Possess Harmonic Cubic Wisdom
that transcends and contradicts the
Bibical 1st Day - Genesis 1.5 - when
the greatest math & scientific scam
of all human existence was deified."
That's a cereal bowl full of what the fuck. I think the best part though is when these people misspell Biblical. The Gene Ray, though, sounds really awesome; it sounds like a weapon in those old Tom Swift books.
Gene Ray: Brought to you by the retarded ramblings of a lunatic.
What's Actually Up:
I can't say I know with complete certainty what's going on. I'm pretty sure there is no time cube and much to the US Military's chagrin, the gene ray does not exist. Suffice it to say, everything is right in the world and we should just be happy that this guy isn't mass murdering people, just their brain cells.
What It Would Mean If They Were Right:
I still don't know what the Hell is happening here, but judging from what I can gather from The Time Cube Homepage, there is one dude and his family that is omniscient, has a WMD called a gene ray (not to be confused with my penis), and that each of the 4 corners of the world go through a 24-hour day. Which, is the exact same theory everyone has now. Oh, and did I mention the civil war that will happen? Well, if this guy were right, then right now, white people would be in a civil war against Barack Obama, just Barack Obama, no one else. Now the rest of my interpretation is pretty shaky, but it involves a Robot Lincoln chopping down George Washington's "cherry tree." Actually that's my next screenplay (Paramount?).
Robot Lincoln: Always ready to chop off Washington's dick.
#1- Aliens Have Secret Underwater Bases
What They Claim:
Those pesky aliens, always anally raping random hicks who are too inbred to see farther than 30 feet. Well, it appears that they are doing something far more sinister. They have secret underwater bases that they use as an interstellar layover point. No, really. These places are believed also to be the launching point of our doom according to noted lunatic Sherry Shriner, whose site can be found here. These launching pads are given away by their noted 'footprints.'
Totally not a whirlpool...
What's Actually Up:
For the love of God, there are no alien bases underwater because aliens die in water. Didn't anyone else watch Signs? M. Night Sh-[insert incorrect spelling here]-lan, the most respected source on UFOs, has already told us, that when the aliens actually come, they will still stay in Berks, PA (also called Hickville by some) and leave the media completely alone. For the rest of you "ufologists," just leave the rest of us alone. Take your whirlpools and burnt rocks and get rid of them. The only reason you can come forward is if you have an actual body, not just "I saw one duuuuuuuuudes…" By the way, this body must be genuinely alien, so don't kill your best friend and paint him green.
Preeminent source of UFO knowledge.
What It Would Mean If They Were Right:
This is why this is number one: if these people are right, our entire world is infested with weird things who, if movies are a valid source, which they totally are, will attempt to destroy the world and/or enslave humanity. Civilization will end and everything everywhere will probably be destroyed.

What this all means.

This all means that you need to stay away from things that involve the death of civilization. Also, never ever trust a guy who practices natural medicine. He's probably got a greater chance of curing your cancer with bologna than his herbal remedy.