Kleenex

Kleenex was once a celebrated war hero, originally used in the filter for gas masks during World War I. Despite saving numerous lives throughout the war and returning a hero, Kleenex soon faded from public memory and like Big Boss found itself without a purpose once the war ended.

Borderlands was likely inspired by Kleenex, professional gas filterer.

After failing to find stable employment and developing a drug addiction fed by appearances in various shady videos, Kleenex was eventually hired as a makeup remover. Throughout its employment, it also spent much of its time being used as something for people to blow their noses in. It wasn't long before being a soft absorbant snot catcher became its primary function.

Despite the brief lifespan of a single sheet of Kleenex, it quickly outcompeted handkerchiefs and its name became synonymous with all brands of facial tissues.

Facial tissues were actually invented by Japan, but LOOK A BUTTERFLY.

Perfume Filled Kleenex: In today's fast moving, technology filled society, you don't have time to blow your nose and apply perfume. Fortunately for you, there's perfume infused tissue, for nose blowers on the go.

Lotion Filled Kleenex: Despite my mothers warnings that by constantly blowing my ever-runny nose would make it dry and flaky, and those consequences having manifested themselves, I simply cannot be bothered to apply lotion to my nose, and thanks to lotion filled kleenex / Kleenex, I won't have to.

Antibacterial Kleenex: Sure, bacteria do things like make yogurt and digest the food in our intestines, but more importantly they make us sick and must die. That's why we have antibacterial kleenex, here to kick prokaryotic ass and blow noses, and I'm all out of noses.

Portable Kleenex: Fortunately for all those portable kleenex packs in the plastic wrapping, there is not yet a iPhone app for nose blowing. But beware.

With a little creativity, passion, and imagination, kleenex can have a variety of uses, including:

Impromptu Toilet Paper: A lack of toilet paper doesn't mean you should leave the bathroom with an unclear pooper. If you're in the middle of a cold and carry kleenex around everywhere, you need never fear an empty roll in the bathroom again.

Bra Stuffing: An alternative option for those who are "weak in the ways of the boob".

Crotch Stuffing: While this may lead to humiliation and dissapointment in the end, it's nothing a little chloroform won't fix.

(The author does not in fact endorse chloroform or crotch stuffing. Actually, he don't endorse any alternative uses of Kleenex.)

Kleenex and toilet paper are similar substances which are sometimes used interchangably. Both are absorbant, soft and disposable, differing only in what they are wiping.

Despite their similarities, the ever reliable Yahoo! Answers asserts that toilet paper is superior. After all, would you rather walk around with a runny nose or a runny fundament. (If you chose the later, please stay away from me in public.)