Vlad the Impaler

Vlad III the Impaler was a fifteenth century ruler of Wallachia, modern day Romania. Vlad is best known for being fucking Dracula.

This motherfucker doesn't sparkle, or shave that groovy 'stache

Just The Facts

  1. Prince of some shithole
  2. Murdered thousands
  3. Inspired the entire vampire culture

Early Life

Vlad was born around 1431 in Transylvania, effectively being their only export other than accents. He was the son of the Prince of Wallachia, Vlad II, with the birth name of Vlad III Dracula. Since the identity of his mother is unknown, and Dracula means "Son of the Dragon", it's obvious his mom was, in fact, a goddamn dragon.

What can you get for the mother that burns everything?

He was one of several children, his most well known sibling being Radu the Handsome. Not long after becoming a Knight of the Order of the Dragon, seven year old Vlad and younger Radu were sent to live in Turkey. By Turkey, we of course mean indefinite servitude to the Sultan as a bribe. By his father. Turkish prisons are simple: they're full of big ass holes who try to kill your brother and say "Fight me!" all the time. After an undisclosed amount of time, the two were released, and in their teens, their father was murdered.

First Reign

After the assassination of his father, Vlad shortly became a puppet ruler of Wallachia. Vlad, being badass and the precursor to kung-fu movies, sought vengeance. He found out the assassins were tredging around some shitty swamp and decided to use his new found power to bring the motherfucking thunder on them. He and a few bodyguards descended on they camp they set up and murdered the life out of them. Vlad was exiled shortly after due to an invasion.

Primary Reign

Around 1456, Vlad was reinstated as prince. The land was in a state of chaos, and Vlad knew drastic measures were needed. Essentially thinking like Hammurabi on acid, Vlad made frivolous things crimes with absolutely disproportionate consequences. Examples are documented in several anecdotes.

The Boyars

The upper echelon of people in Wallachia, the boyars ran pretty much everything. Vlad, being mentally fuckdiculous, believed they were behind his father's assassination. Vlad asked all the boyars to a fancy banquet at his castle. The rest of the night went as follows

Vlad: "Hey guys!"

Boyars: "Thanks for dinner Dracula, you're such a good leader and would never dispose of the elderly in our ranks and send the rest to make you a castle in a goulag"

Vlad: "Actually..."

Vlad then called in guards and disposed of the elderly in their ranks and sent the rest to build him a castle in a goulag. He then worked them until the clothes fell off their backs. He gave all their riches to the poor

What's that? Goulag?

The Peasants

Vlad didn't like peasants. Or sick people. He also had a hard-on for murder-banquets. He decided to see what happens when you mix them together, much like the idea behind Reese's Cups.

You got banquet in my persecution!

Everyone's making merry, and a peasant stands up and toasts to his lord. Vlad stands from his chair and asks the congregation :"Would like to be free from the pains and ailments of this world?" Being fucking peasants, they weren't really satisfied with their stations in their life, and thus, answered in the affirmative. Vlad proceeded to board up his castle and burn everyone alive. When asked why he did this, he answered, "So that no one would be poor or sick in my realm." Thank God Obama prefers health care reform.

Other Tales

A man's wife made his shirt to short, so Vlad impaled her through the vagina.

A servant complained about the smell of the bodies he had laying around (all the rage in 14th century decor), so he implaed him through the ass.

A woman lied to Vlad about him making her pregnant, so he cut open her vagina (kind of redundant) and excalimed "now the world may see where I have been."

Exile, Final Reign, Death

Vlad was eventually pushed out of power and sentenced to live in a shack. While there, he stabbed mice with forks.) While in exile, he heard his neighbor scream one night, and ran over to see what's up, and probably laugh while she cried. He found that a burgular had broken in, and a town guard had tried to aid the woman by going into her house. Vlad saw this and murdered the guard because "the burglar is a criminal and has no manners, but the guard is a gentleman, and should have asked before entering a lady's home."

Despite being bat shit insane (bat? Dracula? get it?), he was restored to power by the pope and then became his go to guy for immoral decisions. He was sent to invade Turkey, and disguised himself as a Turk. He was murdered by his own men during battle.

Legacy

Torture

Vlad the Impaler was a big fan of torture. He would sit at a long banquet table, much like a Batman villain or Dick Cheney (what's the difference. ZING!) and have people impaled in front of him in different designs. He enjoyed boiling people alive and eating their skin while drinking their blood. Vlad did this for no reason other than liking the taste. Vlad never totured for information, instead it was reserved for punishment: the only punishment. No crime was ever a misdeamenor, and all got huge stick up your ass.

Impact

An Irish guy with a stupid name heard of a bloddthirsty prince who eats people in a castle, and thought "how can I make this about unrequited love?" It told the tale of a charming, aristocratic feind of the night that had a penchant for top hats and boobies. It ended up rekindling vampire stories throughout the world, something that still goes strong today, all because of Vlad.

Eat your heart out, Twilight. Seriously, or Vlad will. He' s into that.