Figs are the fruit of all evil.

Says so in the Scriptures.

I don't think I need to tell you what figs look like.

Just The Facts

  1. God just fucking despises figs.
  2. Plumbers also dislike figs with most hearty figour.
  3. Figs are a good source of Magnesium.


And he is most exceedingly sore. (I mean, those figs can be rough on the ol' nether sphincter, y'knowhat'msayin?) ANYWAY, I, Nephasbury, prophet of JHVH, of goodly birth and greatly high essteemed in all lordly ways and knowledge, have come to warn you sinners.

Woe to you, oh California! Thy iniquities and blasphemies the LORD will no longer countenance. For God Hates Figs, and god hates fig enablers even more. Says so in Scriptures--the first story, no less.

You heathens being untowardly in the eyes of the LORD, hath not understanding. Let me school you, as the youth say.

In the Beginning, there was Adam and Eve. After God had finished hiding all the Dinosaur bones, he told the humans not to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. And so it came to pass that the woman ate of the fruit, for she was truly a dumb bitch. Adam, whipped as he was, also ate of the devil-fruit. They realized they were naked, and covered themselves in fig leaves, for they were ashamed. Now God was mightily displeased, for he had created Eve's rack to be stared at, for it was good. With the prude-ass fig leaves covering Eve's vine-ripened chest melons, God quickly became bored, and decided to fuck with the mortals for displeasing him. "EVE" said he, "You airhead! For your idiocy and n00bishness, thou shalt be condemned to two days of suckitude for every 28 you spend happy." Then, he turned to Adam, and in a voice resonating with the majesty of a million castrated men, said, "Congratulations, pussy. For your lack of balls, I will make woman a massive prude. She shall tease long and hard, but satiate you she will never."

FInally, God paused. As he looked down at the Fig tree, its leaves shone with mischief and its sinful fruit seemed to laugh in his face. For this he made the fruit in the form of a shrivelled nut-sack, and filled it so full of seeds that whosoever ate the fruit would shit for weeks.

And the LORD saw that all was as he wished.

<blink>Repent, O men, and eat not of the rancorous fruit!</blink>