Stephenie Myer

Having not read the books and finally succumbing to my morbid curiosity, I decided to throw myself on the alter of bad taste and borrowed the books from a friend (I refused to part with any money)

I was prepared to wade through all four books, but after reading the first five chapters I told myself I'd just read the first book, and by chapter nine I was wondering where my IQ had gone.

For anyone who doesn't yet know the story, perhaps you live under a rock or something, It's about a clumsy girl called Bella swan who falls in love with a 'vampire' called Edward Cullen.

Edward can read minds, sparkles like a fairy and spends most of his free time looking Chagrined and Adonis like while watching Bella sleep and trying not to eat her.

There's also a bunch of other vampires, including Carlisle who is the father figure of the group, Alice who sees the future, jasper who can control emotions and Rosalie who was turned by Carlisle after being left for dead by her fiance. Also in attendance are some werewolves and a bunch of royal family type vampires who, I imagine, fell out of an Anne rice novel and landed in the last part of the second book, feeling confused and wondering why they were sparkling and looking chagrined.

"where's lestat??"

The entire first book is complied purely of these two walking dildos staring at each other and not fucking. Bella makes reference to Edwards "beauty" and "Adonis like" appearance no less than 165 times throughout the series, I shit you not!

The reader is constantly being beaten around the head with Stephanie Myers thesaurus and I think I can say with complete certainty that if I ever see the following words again in print, I may very well burst into tears and start smearing myself with my own shit. Chagrin, chagrined, Adonis, statuesque, dazzled, god like and marble.

"how often do you come here?"

"I come here almost every night"

I whirled, stunned. "why?"

why indeed! That was an actual excerpt from twilight. In the book, Edward has just told Bella he watches her sleep almost every night. So, does she run in terror?

Call her father, who is the towns sheriff?

Barricade herself indoors and sleep with a knife under her pillow?

actually that last bit isn't the best idea, considering the fact that this useless bitch cant even walk in a straight line without tripping over and falling head first into a cement mixer.

anyway, no. She swoons and thinks it's romantic...

There are 328 pages of this drivel, at which point an actual plot shows up in the form of three evil vampires. I imagine they look as confused as the Anne rice vampires. There's some growling and panicking as one of them decides he wants to eat Bella.

She runs, evil vamp follows, evil vamp gets her, but Edward the sparkling douche swoops in and saves her. Fuck you Edward. Fuck.you.

Bella decides she wants to be a vampire, so she can spend the rest of eternity watching Edward brood and look chagrined whilst trying to remember he's supposed to be heterosexual.

The second book sees Edward leave Bella for her own good after she gets a paper cut, sending jasper into a blood frenzy which results in him trying to eat her. Edward saves her of course.

Seriously Edward, fuck you. If you'd just stop saving this girl we wouldn't keep being subjected to your brooding, chagrined, marble, statuesque douchebaggery!

Bella, being the weak two dimensional character that she is, can't let go and starts doing things Edward would consider "dangerous" so she can remember what his voice sounds like (I realise this makes little to no sense but I swear this is what happens). Meanwhile Bella friend Jacob is falling in love with her, oh, he's also a werewolf.

Bella ends up diving off of a cliff into the ocean to hear Edwards voice but is saved by Jacob (fuck Jacob too for the record) Alice sees Bella fall, and a few misunderstandings later leaves Edward thinking Bella has drowned.

Believing Bella dead, he sparkles over to Italy to ask the Anne rice vampires to kill him. I think this is as good a time as any to make mention of the blatant plagiarism going on here. Stephanie Myers may as well have just taken a huge, steaming dump on Shakespeare's original manuscript of Romeo and Juliet.

.Unfortunately for me and everyone else who read book two, Bella gets there in time and saves him. Edward and the rest of the Cullens go back home and Jacob may as well be Bob Marley at a Klan rally as far as Bella is concerned. Nice.

Book three is more of the same. Bella acts feeble and utterly incapable of making her own decisions. Edward has banned her from seeing her friend Jacob because he's a werewolf and unpredictable. Jacobs pissed off because Edward the emo is back and wont let Bella come out to play. Bella is going to become a vampire and Edward promises to change her himself if she marries him, and Bella wants to sleep with Edward but he says no because he's gay, sorry too strong and might kill her.

Through all of this Jacob remains one of the only cool characters in this bile inducing series until Myers performs a character assassination with almost surgical precision, turning him into a would be rapist when he tries to force himself on Bella and in book four, a paedophile.

Meanwhile the plot from book one pops its head in again when the last remaining baddie shows up to kill Bella in revenge for Edward killing her mate.

the werewolves team up with the cullens to stop her and we find out that jasper was a "take no shit" vampire general who led vampire armies into awesome battles, before he douched up and moved in with the cullens. The only decent part in the book is the part about jasper, and and in typical Meyers fashion, she skims past it and quickly returns to Bella and Edward not fucking.

Edward kills off the last of the plot in a really boring fight sequence that sounds more like the sharks and the jets big dance off in west side story than an epic battle between werewolves and vampires, and of course bella spends the entire time being about as helpful as cancer.

"get her boys"

finally we get to book four, breaking dawn. From what I could gather from the internet before reading it, the fans didn't even like this one. Imagine my horror when I realised I was about to read a book that's nearly as long as war and peace and didn't even have the support of the dreaded twilighters. I tried to console myself with the notion that, if they think it's bad, perhaps its the only decent book of the series?

It wasn't.

They get married, fuck, have a kid, she becomes a vampire and jacob black gets added to the child sex offenders register.

The problem isn't that the books are crap, it's the myriad of awful messages stephenie myer has put in them.

• The central female character is a weak willed, useless bint who allowes herself to be led about like a dog on a leash by Edward, but he only does this because he loves her.
• Edward is a controlling stalker who spends the entire time patronising her and ordering her about like a retarded toddler but it's okay because he loves her.
• Jacob "future date rapist" black keeps forcing himself on Bella until she realises she did love him all along.
• If the man you love leaves, keep fucking your life up until he comes back to you.
• If he ignores you, its only because he likes you.
• Sex before marriage will get you killed.
• women are worthless without men
• college be damned, what you need is a husband.

what is being hailed as an achievement for feminisum, what with its female writer and protagonist, is in reality the complete opposite. It's a huge step back and what's even more infuriating, is the mormon undertone that's peppered throughout the entire series. It's not a harmless romance, it's a slap in the face to any woman who has ever fought for our equal rights. Stephenie myer should be ashamed of herself.