Historical Figures Who Were Actually Dicks

The history of our world has been shaped by wars, rebellions and uprisings. If it were not for the free growth of distinct individuals, you wouldn't be reading this on the internet. You'd be building effing pyramids to house our dead le

Thomas Edison: Inventor of Dick Jokes

Dick Wat Tyler: In the Middle of a Half-Off Sale

Dr. Robert Knox: a.k.a Dr. Dick

Just The Facts

  1. Thomas Edison: Did He Invent the Dick Joke?
  2. Wat Tyler: Rebel Dick
  3. Dr. Robert Knox, a.k.a Dr. Dick

Thomas Edison: Did He Invent the Dick Joke?

...And Why Was He a Dick?

The man many consider the greatest American inventor since Benjamin Franklin has an extensive list of accomplishments, honors, and achievements. He piled up the riches and fortunes all the while stepping on feet, killing animals and demoralizing his help. Only to piss it away being an asshole.

Edison gained much of his fame from his electrical knowledge. Most of his knowledge of electricity came from his first job as a telegrapher operator after he saved the three year old of a station operator in Mount Clemens, Michigan. The knowledge didn't come solely from working on the telegraph. Edison, at his leasure, used the night shift to continue performing his passions; reading and his experiments.

The experiments later would be his first dick move. He was working with a lead battery and spilled acid on the floor, which seeped through the cracks and ruined his boss' desk on the lower floor. Needless to say, he was fired. That was the start of a beautiful life of being an incredible tool.

Edison pioneered the concept of electric power generation and implemented the mass distribution to homes, businesses and factories. Essentially, the first power station. Edison's firm stance on the use of direct current (DC) caused animosity with another electrical pioneer, George Westinghouse, who promoted a higher voltage distribution means, alternating current (AC), developed by former assistant to Edison, Nikola Tesla. Unlike DC, AC could be stepped up to very high voltages with transformers sent over thinner and cheaper wires, and stepped down again at the destination for distribution to users. There. Now you assholes know more about AC/DC than the band did when they took the name on. As for Tesla, I don't know, but I believe they knew about Nikola Tesla when they took his name.

In what would be called the, War of Currents, Edison began a massive propaganda campaign to dilute the public's opinion of AC current. How did he do this? By electrocuting animals as if they were on death row.

Acting as one of the biggest cocks around, Edison, who was firmly against capital punishment, which was carried out by the AC charged electric chair, had his minions publicly electrocute animals to show the extreme danger of AC power. His most notable was Topsy the Elephant at Luna Park at Coney Island, NY. Granted, the elephant had killed several people and the owners wanted her put down. The execution was filmed and later posted on YouTube for the "Play Him Off Keyboard Cat" to exploit.

Effing Dicks

Later in life, after this debacle, Edison proclaimed, "I am proud of the fact that I never invented weapons to kill." Edison's apparently joking philosophy of nonviolence extended to animals as well, about which he stated: "Nonviolence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages. Kind of redundant isn't it. Just like Edison used someone else's idea by buying the patent for the light bulb (look it up, that isn't a typo), he just used the electricity to kill animals like the elephant. Brilliant.

So, what else did he do? Remember his former assistant Nikola Tesla? Edison promised $50,000 if he succeeded in making improvements to his DC generation plants. Several months later, when Tesla had finished the work and asked to be paid, Edison said, "When you become a full-fledged American you will appreciate an American joke." Tesla immediately resigned. With Tesla's salary of $18 per week, the payment would have amounted to over 53 years' pay and the amount was equal to the initial capital of the company. Tesla resigned when he was refused a raise to $25 per week. Although Tesla accepted an Edison Medal, apparently for being a dick as well this and other negative series of events concerning Edison remained with Tesla. The day after Edison died, the New York Times contained extensive coverage of Edison's life, with the only negative opinion coming from Tesla who was quoted as saying,

"He had no hobby, cared for no sort of amusement of any kind and lived in utter disregard of the most elementary rules of hygiene" and that, "His method was inefficient in the extreme, for an immense ground had to be covered to get anything at all unless blind chance intervened and, at first, I was almost a sorry witness of his doings, knowing that just a little theory and calculation would have saved him 90% of the labour. But he had a veritable contempt for book learning and mathematical knowledge, trusting himself entirely to his inventor's instinct and practical American sense."

When Edison was a very old man and close to death, he said, in looking back, that the biggest mistake he had made was that he never respected Tesla or his work. He could handle being a dick. Edison's last breath is reportedly contained in a test tube at the Henry Ford Museum. It reportedly smells like beef and cheese.

Wat Tyler: Rebel Dick

...And Why Was He a Dick?

Unless you are a Freemason, you may have never heard of Walter "Wat" Tyler. True to the substance of this article, he was a true dick-in-a-box. Wat Tyler is known for leading the English Peasants' Rebellion of 1381. Not to mention, becoming a matyr from it.

The Peasants' Rebellion was just that. The English working class, tired of oppressive taxation and hierarchial feudilism, rose up against the king and, shall we say, shit in his corn flakes. Since not that much is known of Tyler, some suggest it was an alias and his true identity died with him. Most of the records of his mere existence are from his enemies. They all called him a horses' arse and a Bloody Cunstick.

No one really knows what caused Tyler to cross the Thames Estuary to Kent in England, but a touch of wanting to f*ck someone up could be blamed. Well, that and he appeared to be bat shit crazy. What was unique about it was how Tyler led a force of over 50,000 peasants in very organized fashion to take Canterbury, Blackheath and on into London. Upon their seige of the Tower of London, the rebels were met with very little resistance. Which means, they practically walked in and beat the hell out of whoever they wanted to. The men they were looking for, the archbishop, a prior, a tax collector, a friar, and a physician, were taken outside of the Tower where they were beheaded. Their heads were placed upon poles to be mounted on London Bridge. Quite the bold dick move on Tyler's part. Then again, in Olde England, everyone acted that way.

After that display, The king sent a message to find the reasoning for the uprisal. Tyler met with the king, Richard II, who was effing 15 years old, and members of his court. Being the bold ass he was, Tyler read a list of demands and according to most reports, insulted the king or one of his men and was sliced with a dagger by Mayor William Walworth and stabbed twice with a sword by one of the king's squires.

Mortally wounded, Tyler was carried to St. Bartholemew's Hospital by his men, where he was found by Walworth, drug outside, beheaded and in turn, his head was mounted on a pole on London Bridge. At least in London, the Peasants' Revolt was over.

Wat Tyler still carries reference within the cicles of members of Freemasonry. Supposedly, the poll tax was just an explicit reason for a revolt. However, many of the buildings, people, symbols and writings referring to the Knights Templar were destroyed. The Knights Templar were an organization that was oppressed by the pope and the king and believed to be supported by members of the Freemasons.

The moral of the story? Don't eff with the King and don't cut off peoples' heads and put them on London Bridge. Apparently, the king doesn't favor it. Tyler was more of a dick than the average rebel leader. In a sense, he succeeded in lobbying for the release of serfdom and oppression from the feudal king. All the while, being a true dick at heart.

Dr. Robert Knox, a.k.a Dr. Dick

...And Why Was He a Dick?

Dr. Robert Knox was a Scottish surgeon, anatomist and zoologist from the late 18th century. He is most noted for his lecturing...well, until he was connected with the Burke and Hare body snatching case in Edingburgh, Scotland. His views on anthropology erred on the racist side, making him a well rounded dickhole.

Before the Anatomy Act of 1832, bodies donated for medical research were few and far between. Enter Mr. William Hare and William Burke. Mr. Hare had a lodging guest die on him and when he delivered the body to Dr. Knox, he was paid for it. Thinking that he might be on to something, he enlisted Mr. Burke to hide in the Edinburgh slums to tranquilize bums and hookers so that they could be killed and later sold to Dr. Knox.

Many might think the dicks in the story are Hare and Burke. While they share a lot of the burden, they would have been nothing without the help of Dr. Knox. Thereby making him the grand dick in a lodge of dicks.