Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson was America's third president. He was also a notable badass, despite probably being afflicted with Asperger's.

Thomas Jefferson probably never saw this one coming.

Some ass is about to be kicked in this joint.

Just The Facts

  1. Thomas Jefferson is our second most badass president behind ol' Teddy.
  2. He once said that the Tree of Liberty needs to be refreshed with blood every once in a while.
  3. Yes, this means he was more of a vampire than any character in Twilight.
  4. He also wrote the Declaration of Independence.

The Declaration of Independence Years

It was during these years that Thomas Jefferson completed his masterwork. It's important to note that T. J. (as he will be referred to), it is believed, had Asperger's, which is a type of autism. So, forget all your notions of autistics as Special Olympic's contestants; T. J. fucking wrote the Declaration of Independence when he had a disease that cripples the intelligence of the afflicted. Do you realize what that means? If he was super-fuckin' smart with autism, that means that, if given the modern autism medication we have today, all our world problems would be solved and we'd be riding around on those flying cars that science has been promising us for decades.

Anyways, the Declaration is basically the most important document in American history, as it established us a separate nation from Britain. So, you know, go T. J.

She has more in common with Thomas Jefferson than you do.

The smartest president ever (even with Asperger's)

John F. Kennedy once held a gathering with the brightest minds in the world (49 Nobel Prize winners) in the White House Dining Room. It was here that he quipped that this was "...probably the greatest concentration of talent and genius in this house except for perhaps those times when Thomas Jefferson ate alone."

There were no laughs because it wasn't a joke.

Jefferson also designed his own home, which is often ranked among the top architectural wonders of America. Despite his numerous, rumored philanderings with Sally Hemmings (leading to the popular sitcom, The Jeffersons, citation needed), scholars still rank him as one of the smartest and best presidents. In addition, William and Mary College was not smart enough for him, so he single-handedly founded Virginia College.

I mentioned he had Asperger's, right?

The Presidential Years

As president, Jefferson pretty much totally won. He started and won the First Barbary War in one freaking term. The last time a war was won in a single term was... I'm gonna go with Jefferson's First Barbary War. Did I mention the Barbary's were pirates around Africa? So, Jefferson totally whooped mad Africa pirate ass, which is something all the world's empires can't do today.

He was also subpoenaed by John Marshall. Giving a simple reply, he stated that as president, he didn't need to follow those rules. It should be at around now, that we should just realize that T. J. was pretty much pure badass.

Other awesome achievements include, making it illegal to import slaves, smoking pot, getting 23% of modern day America's land, and making it illegal for black people to carry mail. I'll address these one by one. Under T. J., slaves could no longer come from outside the country, effectively making further Civil Right's possible. Did I mention he also smoked pot? Yeah, he never used any tobacco products, but he did grow plenty of hemp (fortified with THC!) at Monticello. Just sayin'. And, you know, the Louisiana Purchase was pretty important.

It's a shame Jefferson never got his hands on these pirates.