Sibling Rivalry

The ongoing war between people with the same parents.

The opposite of what I'm talking about.

Nothing to do with this, I just like tits.

Just The Facts

  1. Brothers and sisters are mortal enemies.
  2. Some siblings will get along, but they're freaks.
  3. Icicles are sharp and melt away.
  4. The cause of most rivalries is simply petty jealousy.

The War Begins

So you're the first born child of a family. Everyone loves you, devotes endless attention to you and showers you with presents. Life is good-

Wait, you wanted a teddy bear and they only got you a Spongebob DVD. What gives? And what's this wailing you hear? You go into that other room your parents have been fixing up, look into the new crib and there's a new baby.

And the bitch has got your bear.


So all your life you've lived in that older sibling's shadow. They get straight As from studying hard while you fail everything because you were too busy playing Halo. They exercise and act pleasant, while you're a fat loser who no one can stand. How dare they be successful because they worked for it?

Needless to say, it is on.

Choosing the Battlefield.

Now that you have realised you are mortal enemies, you need to find something you can beat them at, causing your parents to only ever love you and confine that other kid to the basement like they did for Chuck in Happy Days. That's when parents knew how to raise their children.

The first thing to do is to pick a field that you can actually win at. But make sure it's something worthwhile. Sports and academics are generally seen as worthwhile. Drinking ten beers and not falling down is not. And remember to choose something where you get an unfair advantage, like playing piano after five years of lessons, or having a driver's liscence when the other child is blind.

Now you might be saying "I don't have any special qualities. That's why I spend all day on the internet" and you have a good point. In this case, simply cheat.

- Get good grades by paying a smarter kid to do your homework.

- Break their ankles while they sleep so they can't play in the big game (If you can do this without waking them, you're well on your way to writing for Cracked).


If you're a miserable failure, so badly you cannot even cheat your way to favouritism, you have only one option left: Slander. Here are some ways to do that.

1. Tattle. An oldie but a goody. Every time your other sibling even steps a toe out of line, make sure to run to mother or father and dish out the dirt, so that soon your rival will be grounded and you will move up in your parent's eyes. Remember, the best way to find success is to rat out every one else.

2. Use them as a patsy. Once you've established yourself as the golden child, start blaming them for your own mistakes. Broken a lamp? Blame it on the other. Robbed a store at knife point? That was your brother, not you. Not only will you elevate yourself, but you will never get in trouble again, if you do things right.

3. Plant evidence. Sexy bras, pregnancy tests, gay porn, plans to get Carlos Mencia another show, stuff like that. And don't be afraid to get creative.

Accepting them.

But, there's always the option of saying "Screw it" and just accepting that they are better at some things than you, which is okay. They worked hard for their high paying jobs, beautiful spouses and status as drug kingpin. Why spend your whole life bearing a grudge simply because they are more successful?

Because it allows you to avoid having to admit you're a loser. You're an unemployed antagonistic asshole who still lives with their parents at 40 because your brother/sister stole all your potential! I mean, you could just go have a shower and look for a job, but this is easier.