Worst Weapons Ever Made

Who doesn't like making shit die? Hippies don't count since they're only 2/5 of a person, so we'll ignore the demographic and say that just about everyone does. Why? Because we're fucking good at it. Most of the time.

Ready? Hold on tight....

Just The Facts

  1. Humans have been making weapons since the dawn of time, because hitting something with your hand HURTS
  2. There is a progression to arms: ie, if you hit me with a rock, I murder you in your sleep with a chainsaw.
  3. Weapons, much like flavored condoms and new Coke, can go to far if left unchecked.

#5- BREDA 30 Machine Gun

A gun, in a loose sense of the word

The Italians make alot of cool shit. Fast cars, awesome food and Sophia Loren to name a few. They have a classic taste that rivals any of the Old Countries. The workmanship, dedication and beauty of all things Italian can not be denied. Except for anything that kills something within the past 500 years or so.

Pictured: Fine Italian tits

Tits circa 1950

Among the worst of their nut busting fuck ups was the BREDA 30 designed by what appears to be drunk mechanics with a learning disability and , it's flaws go beyond looking like a ramped up tin can. It's round was underpowered, it was uncomfortable to use and it had a feed system designed by a fucking blind, chronic masturbating tree hugger.

Let me explain.

To simplify it, this is how it went. A round was stripped off the top and a special device sprayed it with oil. Wait, it gets better. The round was chambered, fired, and placed neatly back inside the clip. The thought behind this was less litter on the killing field. Cause, you know, when your blowing a man's intestines out his dick you need to be considering nature. There was also the problem of the hot chamber cooking off rounds already coated in flamable oil, the fragility of the design and it being about as comfortable to use as shaving your bits with a broken mirror shard. Whoops. The Italians made several desperate attempts to repair the doomed design, but ultimately said fuck it and went back to making coffee and screwing underwear models. That's what they do, right?

#4- Chauchat Machine gun

Sticking with the botched Euro-machinegun attempts I bring you number 4: The Chauchat. Proof positive that the French hate everything on Earth including themselves, the Chauchat was more plagued with maladies than a one legged French whore. Possibly the only weapon more visually disturbing than the BREDA 30, it was about as useful as, well, a Frenchmen in combat.

Pictured: French Battle Charge

It seems that the French were quite blind to the fact that guns get dirty, guns need parts replaced in combat and guns need to fire when you pull the trigger. Let's address each of these in order. If you noticed at the picture of this fine Frog Cannon you would possibly of said something to yourself like: "My, that thing that holds the ammo appears to be pretty airy." Well, oh noble troll, you would have observed the primary flaw. When your fighting for a place to piss in a trench you get dirty, so a wide open magazine for dirt to enter deeper than Peter North in a whore's ass tends to be bad. Reports stated the weapon would jam in as little as every 3 rounds. Parts replaced? Oh yes, you see the French deemed to make each Chauchat individually so that no two weapons used the exact same parts. So you had to send it back to the rear if it broke and seeing as it was made a cheap as possible, it broke ALOT.

On the other hand, it was a great weapon to surrender with.

#3- Grenade #74 aka 'Sticky Bomb'

Tanks are a bitch. It's a well known fact. The only time you can be near one and not shit your nuts into your drawers is if your in or behind one. So if you didn't want to recieve a mechanized spanking, it was in your best interests to make sure it died a fiery death. You see, in WW2 tanks were a pretty new thing so everyone had to do a mad dash to figure out how to do this. Anyone that has seen Saving Private Ryan knows about the sticky bomb. A little explosive and alot of axle grease and you have an instant means to disable a tank. Sweet, right? Well, this is where we talk about the British grenade #74 and it's ability to, well, stick. To anything. You, primarily.

Not pictured: You. Pasted on the side.

The idea of the sticky is sound. Make a bomb with a sticky goo on it and toss it on the wheels of a passing tank and boom, no more tracks. You may now gang rape the immobile vehicle like a quadrapeligic porn star. It worked to. A little too well. You see, unless you were damn careful taking that fancy cap off the bomb before throwing it, it'd simply stick to you... and this happened. Alot. It's like that errant piece of snot that sticks to your hand after you sneeze, only full of high powered explosive. The results were predictable. The poor limey shit all gung ho on getting that kill and writing home to mom about it is stuck flicking a HE snot rocket off his hand unsuccessfully and ends up dying in a manner more humorous than noble. You know, like the British do.

Maybe it's my personal opinion, but when you deploy an explosive the last thing it should kill is yourself. Which brings us to out next item on the list....

#2 M28 120mm Atomic Battle Group Delivery System (Davy Crockett)

If your curiosity hasn't been piqued by the name itself, please note the picture. Let's go back a bit before we continue. The era is the 1950's and there is a Russian behind every bush and they all have their finger on the button. It is a time referred to as the Cold War and the Reds are on our national shit list. We're also fresh off our newfound high of nuclear ordinance. So what would be better than a nuke that a single soldier could haul with him to the battlefield?

ANYTHING

So the M28 Davy Crockett was born. It was for all intents simply a mini-nuke glued to the front of a recoiless rifle. Now before you fully come to climax let me point out a few things. Nukes blow up really, really, really big. If you note the demure size of the above launcher you may ask yourself, how far would that go? The answer is not far enough. No one really bothered to calculate explosive radius or fallout or common sense into the equation. It was the 50s after all. What resulted was indeed an effective weapon (nukes usually are) that seemed to have a bad habit of obliterating it's crew as well. Turns out that even if you fired the bastard to max range from a speeding vehicle you still could not outrun the fallout. As stated previously, everyone but Allah frowns upon a weapons that waxes your ass along with the poor fuck you fired it at. So, alas, the M28 was never actually deployed after Army command came down off their high and did the math. It's not like it got a chance to ruin any battles or anything like that.....

#1- Anti-tank Dogs

Yes, you read that correctly. Going back to the idea that tanks suck a fat dick when you don't have one comes the idea of the dog bomb. Russia got the great idea that, since everyone else was fighting except for the dogs, it was time for Fido to fucking suit up. With dynamite. And run strait at an enemy tank and blow their shit up like a good dog.

Say whaaaat?!

The idea during training was to starve the dogs a bit and then hide some food under a tank. Standard Pavlovian conditioning. The dog would begin to assosiate food with the belly of an armored fighting vehicle much like the French assosiate the sound of gunfire with self defication and surrender. The dogs were also trained to carry about 40kg worth of anti tank mine set to detonate on impact. It was a great idea in theory as an explosion of that force under a tank would basically gut out it's insides, people and ammo and all. Well, two things came of this little project when it came killing time. Neither of them productive.

First, the dogs had been trained on non moving tanks that did not try and cut them to ribbons. So when they were sent out and inevitably shot at, they dropped a dog link on the dirt and ran back to the trenches... detonating upon jumping in and taking out their own trainers. Whoops.

Second, the Germans used a different fuel for their tanks than the Russians so, since dogs are creatures of smell, assosiated the smell of Russian tanks with food and would run at their own tanks. They worked pretty well after all. For the Germans. It was later determined that such tactics were a little too risky even for the Russians. Whoops again.