Jedi Mind Tricks

Besides lightsaber duels and choking, probably the most-celebrated Jedi practice from Star Wars, and also the one most likely to get your virgin ass laid.

Image by Sanchez.

Just The Facts

  1. First used in Episode IV by Ben Kenobi to evade cops while he took an underage boy from his home.
  2. Thanks to this first use, the move is associated with single-sentence suggestions and a light wave of the hand.
  3. According to "the rules", can only be used on the weak-minded. Hutts and Toydarians are immune, causing some embarrassing Jedi bloopers.
  4. Use of the "technique" by nerds on their "weaker-minded adversaries" claims the lives of approximately 1000 gangly people a year.

Guide to the Jedi Mind Trick (For Jedi)

Well hello there! Apparently there aren't enough galactic crises or evil mangled old men to deal with anymore, seeing as you've made it onto this site. And you must also suck at all things Force if you're coming to Cracked for tips, but here goes.

The Jedi Mind Trick (JMT from here on out) is a fantastic, all-purpose power among practiced Force-users in which one uses the connections between the mind of the user, the Force, and the victim, to create illusions and make lies true. REMEMBER: if someone practices deception with lies and charisma, he is a sleazy politician. If one uses magic, he is a noble protector of the galaxy.

"I DO have executive privelige...bitches."

"I do have executive privilege...bitches."

You can use it to confuse cops (Stormtroopers) who are trying to check out your car (Landspeeder) or convince the bouncer at Jabba's palace that you totally know the people inside and that you just didn't come at the same time because you're coming from Santa Barbara and they came from Santa Monica, so of course it took you longer.

It may also have something to do with your vehicle being as real as your girlfriend (hint: not real).

You may have noticed that the JMT is probably the most underused power imaginable. Why not tell a bunch of Stormtroopers that those other stormtroopers are traitors and have them battle each other to the death? Why not convince a weak-minded Senator to put one good laser shot to Palpatine's face? Because that would require George Lucas and Co. to use actual creativity with their original creations, and that...well that would just start the End Times, now wouldn't it?

The tragic results when Lucas presented the first draft of Episode I, which was called "well thought-out and full of depth."

Guide to the Jedi Mind Trick (for everyone else)

You can't do it. Stop pretending you can do it. If you wave your hand in front of us and make an Alec Guinness impression, we swear, we will use our minds to choke you so quickly you won't even have time to say "Lord Vader, have mercy." We find your faith in the Mind Trick, really, really disturbing.

Here's looking at you, Topher "surprisingly scrawny" Grace. Consider yourself warned.

That said, wouldn't it be so fucking cool if you could do it?? Imagine how many times a day you'd wave your hand and get something for it. Long lines at the store? "You don't need to check out before me." Bills piling up? "I'm supposed to pay $10/month for the unlimited plan." Wanted for murder? "I'm not the maniac you're looking for." Ok, that last one might only apply to us, but still...sooo awesome.

Oh yeah, and getting this, if you can even concentrate hard enough. We're thinking she's using her own mind trick right about now.

The JMT would be incredibly useful...if it were real. But sadly, it is not. Nerds will use it with one another or in vain, last-ditch attempts to score with a girl or dissuade a bully, usually with the same effect---face pain and urination. While some hipsters will use it in poor attempts to be ironic, it is generally seen as a sign of nerdiness to attempt or fake the JMT, basically the Vulcan Salute of Star Wars fans.

It does not matter who you are, this is EXACTLY what you will look like to anyone you attempt the JMT on.

Seeing as we just admitted to knowing both of those, however, we may have to go run on our lightsaber---uh, sword. Screw it, we'll see you at the next convention (and thanks to this page, maybe we'll have miss Lima up there with us, too)!