Jedi Mind Tricks
Besides lightsaber duels and choking, probably the most-celebrated Jedi practice from Star Wars, and also the one most likely to get your virgin ass laid.
Just The Facts
- First used in Episode IV by Ben Kenobi to evade cops while he took an underage boy from his home.
- Thanks to this first use, the move is associated with single-sentence suggestions and a light wave of the hand.
- According to "the rules", can only be used on the weak-minded. Hutts and Toydarians are immune, causing some embarrassing Jedi bloopers.
- Use of the "technique" by nerds on their "weaker-minded adversaries" claims the lives of approximately 1000 gangly people a year.
Guide to the Jedi Mind Trick (For Jedi)
Well hello there! Apparently there aren't enough galactic crises or evil mangled old men to deal with anymore, seeing as you've made it onto this site. And you must also suck at all things Force if you're coming to Cracked for tips, but here goes.
The Jedi Mind Trick (JMT from here on out) is a fantastic, all-purpose power among practiced Force-users in which one uses the connections between the mind of the user, the Force, and the victim, to create illusions and make lies true. REMEMBER: if someone practices deception with lies and charisma, he is a sleazy politician. If one uses magic, he is a noble protector of the galaxy.
"I do have executive privilege...bitches."
You can use it to confuse cops (Stormtroopers) who are trying to check out your car (Landspeeder) or convince the bouncer at Jabba's palace that you totally know the people inside and that you just didn't come at the same time because you're coming from Santa Barbara and they came from Santa Monica, so of course it took you longer.
It may also have something to do with your vehicle being as real as your girlfriend (hint: not real).
You may have noticed that the JMT is probably the most underused power imaginable. Why not tell a bunch of Stormtroopers that those other stormtroopers are traitors and have them battle each other to the death? Why not convince a weak-minded Senator to put one good laser shot to Palpatine's face? Because that would require George Lucas and Co. to use actual creativity with their original creations, and that...well that would just start the End Times, now wouldn't it?
The tragic results when Lucas presented the first draft of Episode I, which was called "well thought-out and full of depth."
Guide to the Jedi Mind Trick (for everyone else)
You can't do it. Stop pretending you can do it. If you wave your hand in front of us and make an Alec Guinness impression, we swear, we will use our minds to choke you so quickly you won't even have time to say "Lord Vader, have mercy." We find your faith in the Mind Trick, really, really disturbing.
Here's looking at you, Topher "surprisingly scrawny" Grace. Consider yourself warned.
That said, wouldn't it be so fucking cool if you could do it?? Imagine how many times a day you'd wave your hand and get something for it. Long lines at the store? "You don't need to check out before me." Bills piling up? "I'm supposed to pay $10/month for the unlimited plan." Wanted for murder? "I'm not the maniac you're looking for." Ok, that last one might only apply to us, but still...sooo awesome.
Oh yeah, and getting this, if you can even concentrate hard enough. We're thinking she's using her own mind trick right about now.
The JMT would be incredibly useful...if it were real. But sadly, it is not. Nerds will use it with one another or in vain, last-ditch attempts to score with a girl or dissuade a bully, usually with the same effect---face pain and urination. While some hipsters will use it in poor attempts to be ironic, it is generally seen as a sign of nerdiness to attempt or fake the JMT, basically the Vulcan Salute of Star Wars fans.
It does not matter who you are, this is EXACTLY what you will look like to anyone you attempt the JMT on.
Seeing as we just admitted to knowing both of those, however, we may have to go run on our lightsaber---uh, sword. Screw it, we'll see you at the next convention (and thanks to this page, maybe we'll have miss Lima up there with us, too)!
oh yes, FreddieW vulcan salute
ReplyWoo! Rape Humour! Who doesn't love it? (Aside from people with souls... but y'know, f**k them)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTechnically, aren't they consenting? Think about it.
Evidently, hooray! is a sick bastard. And ED209 has a soul.
Wooo-hoo-hooo! A fresh soul! Been a long time since there's been one 'round these parts.
Hey nerds! Star Wars blows, deal with it.
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesAdjusted for inflation, A New Hope is the second most successful film of all time. And in the top twenty there are four Star Wars films. Deal with it.
Dear Legitballin,
I hope you trip in a puddle of poison into a massive furnace and die in a fire.
Obvious Troll is obvious.
Wow, you Twilight fans will do anything to make your obsession with vampires seem less gay.
Boooo! Resign! Have that boy bathed and brought to my bedchamber! No wait, hang on...
So, you had to come all the way over here to tell us that? What, did you admit you like Star Wars when you were in elementary school and get beat up for it? That's it, isn't it? It's okay, liking scifi is cool now!
i find you lack of faith disturbing......
f**k you! Go home and watch Transformers Revenge of The Fallen another thousand times and choke on your own piss.
it does blow though
This coming from a guy whose username is "legitballin". Yeah, the people who like Star Wars are nerds.
I'm thinking the model's "trick" doesn't have anything to do with her mind.
ReplyOh, I don't know. There's a definite advantage to knowing just how freakishly hot you are...
Is it bad if I want to eat the pie chart? Looks like some sort of gummy fruit snack.
Replyit looks like jello!
Mmm, Trivial Pursuit style jelly. WANT!
If I had the Jedi Mind Trick, I'd use it to get free stuff. Specifically free food. I hate paying for a meal.
Reply"Besides lightsaber duels and choking, probably the most-celebrated Jedi practice from Star Wars, and also the one most likely to get your virgin ass laid."
ReplyJedi do not choke. They are clutch, man.
he meant literally force choking someone, f******d
"Why not convince a weak-minded Senator to put one good laser shot to Palpatine's face?"
Reply Hide All See All 6 Replies1) because star wars isn't 24
2) Palpatine is a sith lord! he takes laser blasts to the face for sport
For a sport? It's more of a hobby.
Also because it wouldn't make for a very good story. Cracked does seem to ignore things like storytelling.
I disagree. If you watch episode 3, as long as palpatine was distracted, a well-aimed bullet could kill him like when the new stormtroopers overran Coriscant. U just been nerd dissed. As DX would say, Suck it.
Wouldn't make for a good story if you aren't capable of using every aspect of the world YOU created to it's fullest extent and still tell a good story with it.
Ditto to Pixagi. Inventing a brand new power for the sake of convenience and then immediately forgetting about it is one of the classic hallmarks of a bad writer and storyteller. Lucas could either have a) come up with something more thought out than a literal handwave to get Luke into town, or b) changed the rest of the story to actually accommodate something as horrifyingly powerful as the ability to override a person's perception of reality. Even if the Jedi are too noble to use that constantly, there's no reason why the Sith would ever refrain.
well they didnt know till episode 3 and buy that time they were already defeated order 66 and all
damn. anyone else disappointed this article wasn't about the rap group
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesnah rap's shit.
Yeah I was thinking of Vinny Paz too.
Gotta say, tight beats but complete s**t lyrics. Seriously, how is it you can royally f**k such well produced beats? Oh yeah, let a bunch of "rappers" lay a track on top.
Why would anyone listen to rap. It is all curse words, sex, and the words you got served. Well maybe not the last part, but still.
My former debate teacher was a Jedi. He used the Mind Trick on some of my classmates all the time. He actually stopped a kid from dropping the class with the mind trick.
ReplyI'm nerdy, but thats just bullshit
I'm sorry, Mr. Hobo, but you completely misunderrstood english.
Debate teacher-convinces people to do stuff.
Any connection?
hey my brother is a certified reflexologist, really!
ReplyAh, a reflexologist. Of course. That's very impressive.
Excellent, now no one will know that I don't know what that is. Wait, SHIT!
when your article starts out with 'wouldnt it be awesome to mind-control someone into having sex with you' i kind of got this nasty taste in my mouth....
ReplyDang, it really works
There's a reason the Jedi's were the GOOD guys...
My dad actually tried it at a Blockbuster once when we returned Star Wars late. The girl at the checkout didn't charge us any late fees.
ReplyI hope you get raped in an alleyway.
Well, aren't you Mr. Appropriate.
I found this article to be clever and funny. It also prompted me to read some other SW-related articles here, so thanks.
ReplyBut I want to add that Cody needs to stabbed in the throat to prevent him ever singing again. I'm not posting this on his article because I don't want to encourage bad articles by visiting them.
Derren Brown (the mind control guy) is a Jedi.
ReplyWhat's wrong with that chick's face?
Replywho is looking at her face
ohnoyoudidntnuhuh. Topher is VENOM (apparently), you might want to take that back!
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesalso, star wars are stupid movies.
He was the stupidist f*****g rendition of venom and one of the worst things about that trainwreck of a movie (emo Peter Parker being the worst)
wait, you just dissed star wars in favor of sp3? bad taste i can take, but treason i cannot condone
i dont trust anybody born after jedi
...SM3 was a f*****g sell out tragedy, and you choose THAT over Star Wars? Don't breed.
its a godamn movie! yes, it would make a lot more sense to just use the force to stop everything, but then ware would the whole movie be?
ReplyGreat powers of cosmic intution, precognition, lightning reflexes, telekinesis, telepathy...all conveniently stop working to allow plot holes big enough to drive an x-wing through.
ReplyMy biggest beef with this stupid "force" ability is the non-utilization of being able to move useful things in battle. Yeah, sure being able to toss droids and machinery around like nerf balls is impressive, but why bother with the heavy lift against life forms when you could just use the force and rip out someone's carotid artery or heart, or scramble some neurons around ? s**t just a quick yank on some random wires in a robot should do the trick or even the stupid circuitry in their "blasters".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesDon't even get me started on what they could've done to that fracking lever they use to fire the Death Star's main weapon. Ha, ha I could just see it now. It gets yanked out of the panel and reconfigured so that the fitting gets changed to metric instead of imperial (pun intended).
So, you've got this "force power" that's strong enough to deflect a blaster pulse, but you can't scramble an enemy's neurons?
Lucas, stop putting your penis on my shoulder every Thanksgiving.
That would have been an evil act and led them towards the dark side. The Jedi can never use the force in aggression or to hurt.
@jdhartucus
they can never use it for harm, except for all the times they do
One of my biggest peeve with Lucas is his black/white mentality, where half of all people are saints and half of them are evil, murderous, bloodthirsty monsters (Han was the only truly ambiguous character in the original three, and even he was whitewashed in the 'Han Shot First' debacle). I'm pretty turned off by any group that automatically declares you a Good Guy by joining its ranks... and doesn't revoke that status when you kill an entire village full of women and children in a bloodthirsty vengeful rage. Because they belonged to a species that was Always Chaotic Evil and that makes wholescale slaughter perfectly acceptable.