Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lynyrd Skynyrd is a southern band who provided the theme song for Kentucky Fried Chicken; "Sweet Home Alabama," for many years.

Many believe Lynyrd Skynyrd makes everything better. . .

Just The Facts

  1. In 1964, Ronnie Van Zant, Allen Collins, and Gary Rossington formed the band "The Noble Five," even though there were apparently only three of them. This band would later become Lynyrd Skynyrd with the addition of Larry Junstrom, Bob Burns, and Billy Powell.
  2. The name Lynyrd Skynyrd was the bands spoof of their highschool gym teacher, named Leonard Skinner who always got on the boys for having long hair.
  3. The spelling of Lynyrd Skynyrd was so retarded that the band's first album was called "Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd," so people could actually pronounce their name right.
  4. For 4 years Lynyrd Skynyrd kicked ass until a plane crash in 1977 took the lives of three band members: Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines, Cassie Gaines, their assistant road manger Dean Kilopatrick, and also took the lives of the pilot and copilot.
  5. The band disbanded, only to come back 10 years to try and start up again.
  6. Now they pretty much suck balls, their latest album is entitled "God & Guns," their two favorite things.
  7. Lynyrd Skynyrd has upwards of a thousand tribute bands - all of them suck.

The Early Years

The band that is Lynyrd Skynyrd first came together in the late 60's, during which time they toured the south and had that southern twang and attitude - that sort of caution to the wind lifestlye that goes against common incest laws. They were men with the sort of raw guts that made for all dem moonshiners in dem glory days. Once they were finally "noticed" they started putting out albums, one every year, for five years straight. And all of them kicked ass apparently, Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd (1973) went mutli platinum, as well as Second Helping (1974), and Street Survivors (1977). Their other two albums Nutin' Fancy (1975), and Gimme Back My Bullets (1976), went Platinum and Gold respectively.

Their hits include:

"Sweet Home Alabama" : Like the song "Car Wash," "Sweet "Home Alabama," is one of the most overused songs in movies known to date. Whereas "Car Wash," seems to appear in any movie where water comes in contact with a vehicle for more than 3 seconds, "Sweet Home Alabama," is practically a theme for anything Southern. All you need is a horse or two, maybe a little redneck child in stained overalls, a union flag, some guns, or maybe just Reese Witherspoon, and you'll be sure to hear that guitar twanging away in the background as the men on the screen race down empty highways with cases of moonshine, or just sit out in front of a sagging porch, drinking that rotgut and just 'shootin' the shit,' or do whatever it is that people in the sticky, sweaty, South do for fun.

The song is also regarded as a response to Neil Young's "Southern Man," in which he paints a much more somber tone of the South, you know, that whole slavery thing. Many point to this song as evidence of real-life beef between Young and Skynyrd, when in reality they were big fans of one another - what you didn't know musicians say one thing and do the other?

Chances of Sweet Home Alabama featuring the song "Sweet Home Alabama" - 100%

"Freedbird" : Yes "Freebird," a song considered to be a real rock anthem. In reality, this song is responsible for one of the oldest jokes in rock n' roll history - and an annoying one at that. . . You know, when you're at a concert and the band happens to be done with a particular song, and there's a lull of silence before the next - and then some drunken douche behind you yells "FREEBIRD!" as all his friends cackle, and you can almost smell all that bourbon. . . It's rock and rolls oldest cliche, and its epidemic has spread all around the world - 35 years after the song was originally released. It's douchery is most concentrated when shouted out during hip hop, R&B, and jazz concerts - as not only will you be beaten profusely by everyone around you, but you'll probably get your Free Bird too buddy:

Here yah go, free of charge.

Tuesday's Gone: Yet another over used Lynyrd Skynyrd song is "Tuesday's Gone," a slower tune which appears in: Happy Gilmore, Dazed and Confused, Boys Don't Cry, Prefontaine, and t.v. shows One Tree Hill (mmmm Lynyrd Skynyrd and teen melodrama go hand in hand - like drinking and driving,) and My Name is Earl (now that makes more sense.) Some say its simply a song about break ups, some say its a song about the actual day Tuesday; saying goodbye to ones past and all of that - but really its a song about Tuesday, Wednesday Addams' lesser known twin sister, who had Uncle Fester's looks, Gomez's mustache, and Morticia's tits.

Thanks Dad!

Simple Man: Some say this song is about how one should live their life; to forget the bad and to try their best to be good. Others say its a song about a conversation between a boy and his mother, and his mother is imparting onto him good wisdom. In any case, Busch felt that it was the perfect song for a beer commercial (what mother doesn't want their kid drinking beer right?) in which two kayakers make their way across a lake, only to seemingly pull a pair of beers out of its fresh pristine waters furthering the idea that Busch is all natural beer, and not just shitty beer:

Apparently simple men like drinking Busch beer, a simple beer for their simple taste.

The Crash

On October 20, 1977, Lynyrd Skynyrd's Convair CV-240 airplane crashed, after it lost fuel. The crash took the lives of lead singer Ronnie Van Sant, Steve Gaines, Cassie Gains, as well as the pilot and co-pilot. All other band members surived the crash with severe injuries. Now there's very little to be found funny about such a tragedy, especially when considering that Cassie Gains was in fact terrified of flying on airplaines - particularly the band's Convair CV-240 - which isn't hard to believe, considering production of this plane ceased in 1956, which meant the plane could have been 21 years old at the youngest.

So perhaps we should just have a moment of silence. . . .

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"Alright, who the fuck said that?"

Like any good death however, the vultures came out to feed; the media; the fans. Their album Street Surivors, which was released three days before the crash - immediately went platinum. Nothing like a good death to build up record sales - not that they really needed it anyway.

So You Think You're a Skynyrd Fan?

Where's your beer? Is your sister also your wife? Lets take a closer look:

a. Nascar Hat - one which you wear daily, more of a status symbol more than anything - you know that same cap you wore to Daytona 500, to get shitfaced drunk and cheer on Dale Earnhart Jr as your mongoloid son with the hare lip clung to your shoulders and tried his best to drink a soda without drowning himself.

b. Sunglasses - because your Nascar hat is less for function and more for style. Like the hat it goes with you everywhere, spending most of its time perched atop the bill of your cap, and is brought down over your eyes only when hunting a wild elk or when its time to take the 4X4 out for a joy ride. Besides, it completes that whole Nascar redneck look you're going for.

c. Coors Light - your right hand man - and its light beer, which means you think you're doing your already unhealthy body a favor, but we all know that means you're sure to drink twice as many beers, furthering that fat gut hanging out over your penis.

d. Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt - with a logo from one of the early Lynryd Skynyrd albums, cause you're a true fan of course. You wear it to every Lynyrd Skynyrd concert you go to, a badge of courage stained with sweat rolling off your belly fat and stale old beer.

e. Beer Gut - the result of many years drinking beer - of time well spent getting inebriated - time that could have been spent with that rotten family of yours.

f. Seats You Don't Own - because everyone knows there's no way you could possible afford seats in the 14th row, seats which you eventually have to give up begrudgingly to a fat chick wearing a Union flag shirt. . . Back up to the nose bleeds where you belong, you swine.

Do any of these characteristics relate to you? Well then you're probably a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan.