6 Reasons New Moon Was Better As A Movie

New Moon has landed, and has succeeded in proving that fourteen year old girls have the ability to stop the earth if properly motivated. Now, there are things to be enjoyed about this series. For me, these are always unintentionally provided.

Just The Facts

  1. The cinematic representations of the Twilight series have improved dramatically with this installment, but...
  2. ...Some of the most entertaining things about my moviegoing experience came from observations, rather than actually watching the film
  3. Die-hard fans of these books take craziness to such new heights that shithouse rats have no choice but to stop in their tracks to pay homage to an insanity of a higher order of magnitude.
  4. Those rats are crazy enough to live in, eat, and recreate in shit.

Disclaimer:

For the record, I don't specifically dislike the Twilight series of books or movies, so the things that are stated herein are not a reflection of my burning hatred, maybe more of a sense of responsibility to make fun of something so easily mocked. These books are kind of like the quiet, awkward girl that used to sit in the back row of every classroom she's ever entered. She doesn't talk to anyone, but you can't figure out if it's because she's shy or because she's a brooding snot. (wait, did I just accidentally describe Bella?) In any case, you mercilessly make fun of her because you're an opportunistic feeder like that.

(BTW, I will happily go toe to toe with anyone who likes the twilight books for the sake of telling them that they they're reading the literary equivalent of eating an entire box of twinkies by yourself. Or I just tell them twilight = microwaved catshit. It depends on the person)

As far as the actual movie-watching experience was concerned, there were at least a few aspects that outshine the book-reading experience upon which it was based. In New Moon, here are 6 things that were, to me, unintentionally more entertaining than the book.

#1. Stuff Actually Happens

Stephanie Meyer had to have realized at some point while writing New Moon that the only thing carrying her readers on had to be a desire for literary self flagellation. She encourages this by insisting on writing primarily about how gut-wrenchingly unhappy Bella is without Edward to fill the cavernous void inside of her. Evidently she is incapable of filling it otherwise, and as a result, the only thing that either Bella or Stephanie Meyer can think about is that searing, inescapable pain. With just a few exceptions, whenever anything aside from Bella's crushing heartbrokenness occurs, it is just kind of quickly glossed over. But, in the movie, these things are actually portrayed. Hell, they even take the spotlight occasionally. Jacob changes into a werewolf right on screen (something we're never treated to in the book), and fights some other werewolf that we couldn't care less about, and hence have forgotten his name. Edward fights, or more truthfully, gets his ass kicked eight ways from Sunday by a member of the Volturi. Edward and Abercrom Jacob almost duke it out, and Victoria ends up being the real cause for Harry Clearwater's death. You know, stuff actually takes place outside of Bella's slow, emo decay into suicidal tendencies.

#2. Jacob is simultaneously a new werewolf, and Americas Next Top Model.

Jacob Black, having undergone a werewolf's version of puberty, is not able to hold his body in anything but an underwear model's pose whenever his shirt is off. In preparing for this role, and in between his three-a-days on Ivan Drago's training system (including the steroids), Taylor Lautner (who might be the first person ever to inspire middle aged women to fantasize about committing statutory rape. He's only 17) was evidently schooled by the professional models at (insert whatever mall chain store you hate the most) on how to look like you're looking casual-hardass without looking like you're trying to look casual-hardass. I'm surprised he wasn't tossing an old weathered football around in every scene.

...in the ocean no less. Thanks, Rolling Stone.

#3. The breathy titter that ran through the theater when Jacob took his shirt off the first time was everything I hoped it would be and more.

Being a dude, I was in the miniscule minority in attendance of the showing of this film. Being straight whittled it down for me even further. During said scene, I could practically picture all the ladies young and old, (and some guys) vigorously fanning themselves with whatever was handy. The fact that it was an involuntary response that was fueled by an approximate 85% estrogen, 15% gay-tosterone blend was an amusing bonus.

Kinda felt like this guy. ^^^

#4. Picturing what took place behind the scenes with the handful of Hollywood mainstreamers that appeared in this edition of what cannot seriously be called a saga.

Does Dakota Fanning enjoy that she made a cameo in what will later be seen as the most overrated and overhyped series of all time? How about Graham Greene, the quintessential Native American actor playing Harry Clearwater? Maybe Michael Sheen had a moment of disappointment in himself before accepting his role as "Aro," who was, to his credit, the most interesting character in the movie, despite being onscreen for less than five minutes. Also, in case everyone (almost certainly) forgot, Michael Sheen is no stranger to cinematic vampire/werewolf drama. Perhaps you've seen one of the "Underworld" movies, wherein he played Lucian, the leader of they Lycans? How does that fat slice of irony pie taste?

In between being the leader of the werewolves, and then the leader of the vampires, I took some time off to interview President Nixon.

#5. The volume of teen angst in New Moon is only a tiny bit more overwhelming than the amount of blood in this vampire/werewolf movie is nonexistent.

I know, that's a tricky sentence. Read it again if you have to.

There are a few staples when it comes to certain categories of cinema. When you are making movies about either vampires or werewolves, you make sure to include a few scenes where someone gets their aorta fangoriously removed by either canines or the undead, or both. The twilight movies are somewhat ignorant of this unspoken, but universally accepted law. Then I remembered that the important thing in New Moon is not that there are actual, real life werewolves and vampires locked in a centuries-old feud, and that they kill each other as violently as possible whenever possible, but that sad, sad Isabella Swan is having relationship troubles. Now that I put it like that, I don't even know why I expected blood in this vampires and werewolves vs. vampires and werewolves movie. Why would we care about that when we have poor Bella wasting away before our very eyes? In one scene she listens to emo-coustic music and doesn't change her clothing for over 3 months.

Bella for the first 3/4 of New Moon

There were times when I wondered if it was just that Bella is very loud and vocal about her brokenheartedness and nightmares, or if some sort of creature was about to burst from her abdomen. It really was difficult to tell. Then I remembered that this is only book two. Graphic chest bursting is for later in the series. And, while we're on the subject, Kristen Stewart's portrayal of bella's nightmare agony episodes are a teensy bit over the top. I just have a hard time believing anyone can be sleeping and scream like they're being dissolved in acid- at the same time. It's kind of like shitting and sprinting, they just don't occur simultaneously.

#6. The werewolves look exactly like CGI versions of the wolf in The Neverending Story.

This one pretty much stands alone.

Sam Uley, circa 1984.