6 Things About New Moon

We all know what New Moon is. That fact alone should send you into a 6 month spiral of alcohol, self-harm and questioning the meaning of life. I am here to give you 6 reasons that you should not read it (or watch the film).

Just The Facts

  1. It is the classic story of a love triangle. Despite millions of possibilities with this scenario, Meyer still can't think of anything original, and so steals Romeo and Juliet.
  2. In this version, vampires are gay.
  3. Werewolves are, somehow, ever gayer.

1.) Uncomfortable levels of homoeroticism

Now, I'm not being homophobic here. If you're gay then good for you, but Jesus, have you seen the guys in this thing?


Now you have!

These guys run about all day together. Topless. Sweaty. And in the woods. Alone with each other. To add to this, during the book we never really get any glimpse into what they're doing, because that would take too much attention away from Edward, Jacob and Bella whining. We get told they "patrol", but that doesn't rule out any hankey-pankey. All we know is that when they finally make it home, they're always out of energy, and coming up with terrible excuses for their absences. Now, if that doesn't sound like a gay orgy, I don't know what does. It doesn't help that Jacob takes his top off every 10 seconds. At one point in the film, Bella falls off a bike (it takes a while to shrug of the stabilisers), when he runs up to help and just takes it off! For no fucking reason! Just hoping that the power of his strangely hairless chest will revive her!

Apart from that, these guys are all, like, 18! They're barely legal! And look at the one on the far left. Tell me he doesn't look like he's gonna get some.

2.) Bella and Edward are STILL whining

So, the girl finally has the guy. They have all the money and time in the world, she's always safe with him (kinda) and everything is going happy as Larry. So why the fuck are they still crying? I don't want to read a book about an emotionally crippled vampire and his emo pet. I wanna see some n00b get his ass torn apart!

Alucard style, motherfucker!

So thank you Meyer. Thank you for forcing me to read through 500 pages of depression, suicidal contemplation and absolutely 0% vampire sexy time.


Is nice!

3.) Both the supposedly 'great' men are, well, assholes

Well, really, where to begin? Edward is an emotionally abusive misogynist. Is now, is forever. But this book turns physical. After Bella, the dumb bitch klutzy cutie, cuts herself opening a present, Jasper lunges for her. Edward, being the hero, pushes Bella away... onto a glass table. Nothing could go wrong there!


Kapow, sucka!

After this, he leaves! Just bails on her! He has no good reason. He has a shit reason, yeah, but that's not much. As if that's not enough, he leads her into the woods, abandons her there to die, then goes back and loots her house! What the fuck!


Edward's for Edward, bitch!

Then, of course, Jacob comes along. He's cool and nice and... oh, wait, he becomes a dick because he becomes a werewolf and decides that it's all Bella's fault. He continues to go through stages of being cool to being a shit, like his menstrual cycle happens ever 5 minutes!


Where will you be when yours hits?

4.) Bella's not that great either

The basic premise for New Moon is: Bella gets dumped, tags along Jacob, who's madly in love with her, then abandons him for Edward when he returns. That's A-grade bitch right there, and all the while, we're supposed to feel sympathy for her? Really Steph?


"And you bitches are paying me for this shit! Now, I'm going to go eat another stick of butter..."

She really doesn't do herself any favours, and there's an incredibly annoying theme running through of Bella whining about her friends being miserable, despite her putting them through it. But, then again, Kristen Stewart's hot, so in the film you can kinda forgive her.

These brilliant lessons on how to treat your men continue right through until the end of the series. It's no wonder that Meyer has to write this terrible piece of literature festering filth in order to live out her sexual fantasies...

5.) Fangirls

I know that this doesn't relate to the story, but Christ, believe me, it's a big reason you don't want to get involved. Let's look at a few extracts of these fans comments on those who don't believe New Moon to be the greatest book EVAR!

"What is your name, address and phone number, just so that i can track you down ank kill You with my super awesom vampire powers THAT I AQUIRED FROM READING THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!"

"do you WANT a cult of angry twilight luvers like mysef at your doorstep at night trying to behead you????? you shouldnt voice an absurd oppinion like this on the internet."

"you must have not read much good litterature in youre life, because if you cannot appreciate the quality of this art...YOU ARE MENTALLY UNSOUND!!!!!!!"

Yeah...

Seriously, there's a list of all the crimes that fangirls have committed, ranging from death threats to fucking murder attempts. All from a book written by a fat, lonely fail that might just be the Antichrist in disguise.

6.) Even if you ignore all of the above... It's just not a very good book or film

Stephanie Meyer seems to think that by opening a thesaurus she turns into Shakespeare, when in fact it's incredibly obvious and some of the sentences barely even make sense. The main characters are all shallow and boring, while the only interesting ones, such as Jasper or Alice, are completely ignored. Reading it does not challenge your mind at all and the film is nearly 3 hours of watching Kristen Stewart moan and teenage boys take their tops off. If you have just recovered from a stroke than this may be perfect reading material, but to everyone else over 4 it's just a poor waste of paper and ink.


Pictured: a better use of paper and ink.

The book reads out like a piece of fan-fiction, and after reading a passage from a parody book, New Moan, I realised that there wasn't much difference, and when your book is very similar to its parody, you know that something has gone very, very wrong.

Its so easy to read that its almost addictive; I believe that, without a doubt, this is one of the worst books I've ever seen, and the film is in the bottom 5, but I have still read New Moon along with the next two. Granted, I'll never pick any one of them up again, but a 500 page book shouldn't take me so little time to complete that I immediately start the next one just to fill the time I had set aside for it.

Overall, if you are 5, retarded or recovering from head trauma, then this book may just be the thing for you, if you don't mind two of the most badass Gothic creatures being destroyed. If you are a 12 year old girl that actually thinks that Justin Bieber Is talented, then the film should be ideal for you, but for everyone else, I suggest that you stick to Dracula. If you really want something newer, pick up True Blood or something. Hell, beating your skull in with a hammer would be less harmful to you.


Pictured: Safety