Awesome Ways To Kill Zombies!!!

This is how it's suppose to be done!!!

If you see this you're fucked up!!!

dude its just make-up...duh

no its not

Just The Facts

  1. Killing zombies is a duty of every human being
  2. It is also fun
  3. If you have been able to mix your duty and your fun together, them you must be awesome.

Cracked on Awesome zombie killing Awesomeness

WE know. You've been waiting for the Great Zombie Apocalype to come and when the time did come, you find yourself not being able to kill zombies in the most badass manner with would make Bruce Campbell sad.

So listen up.

As the Dooms Day Clock is ticking to the close, you still have time to hone your skills before youre last stand.

(I'm not actually going to write about anything related to the topic page but hey, this is cracked and i can write anything i want. and you seem to not really care about it because dead inside your heart, you are already planning to steal my article.)


Its the fire on your arms!!!

But seriosly, its common sense.

As Every Zombie Movie Documentary would kill you, it is awesome to use guns to kill zombies.

One shot in the head of the zombie is enough to kill them. In this type of attack, shot guns are the toys to play with (also from the zombie documentary). Shotguns have smaller pellets( called shots, WOW I totally blew your head!!!) that would spread in a wide angle that would kill a shitload of zombies in just one shell.

Also great in long range.

The anatomy of killing zombies.

If you prefer a more quick fire aproach you can try handguns. they are light, easy to carry, and and much easier to shoot with.

How to make shooting Zombies Extra special?

It all depends on your fighting style and only you know how your hand work but this are some helpful tips to shot zombies.

Automatics - For speed shooting junkies

Revolver ( any kind esp. smith and wesson model 29) - when the punks are feeling lucky

Machine guns - For hardcore speed shooting junkies

Tommy Gun - for 20-30's gangsters

sniper rifle - for mile long shooting

Automatic revolving Machine sniper shot gun - For the the most awesome

Phasers - for the future

Muckets and flintlocks - for pirates

With these babies you finally fulfill your zombir killing orgams awesomeness

But remember, the only thing more awesome than you amidst those zombie corpes is you girlfriend:

You girlfriend

She's more awesome than you

Go for Melee

Forget about guns for a secs. Sword are awesome because you can tear zombies in front of you. In FUKING FRONT OF YOU!!! Not mile away were you can't taste the action. Not 100 feet way because the only thing you do is snipe and steal somene elses kill. But in Front of you. You can watch a zombie being disembowed by your own hand. You can stick a spear in one end of the zombies head and out in another zombie's mout. You can see the rotting guts and zombie maggots drop to the floor as you stoop on them at the same time perform your 1.2 bassing heart technique. And as a pluss you can shout groovy after you rip those zombie bodies using you Chainsaw hand.

Thing to consider before going Melee Mode

Armour - You need it and believe it or not, an extra 67 pound is not going to slow you down because a horde of zombies are already doing that. All you have to do i rip those sons of Umbrella with your pimp stick as they try to tear with thier teeth the 7-day warrantied armour those frisky dwarves have made for you.

Position - just like sex, you need to be in the perfect position to achieve orgasm, in this case, zombie killing type. you, are one of the few survivours of the zombie apocalypse, is one of THE MOST INTELLEGENT PERSON IN THE WORLD. You cannot chance upon yourself by being cought redhanded, whiping your ass while a zombie is lurking just outside. Those beastly-instinct-induced zombies are in fact morons(w/ the exception of The Land of the Dead) and you can't be pawned by morons can you? O.K. maybe but make sure there is a fuckton of them of those persons waiting for you in Valhalla are forever gonna call you "the-one-who whiped-his-ass-dying"

Weapons - This is the fun part. it has to based on your fighting style. If you like ramming zombies with your ram then get a ram but if otherwhise use this.


- Long Swords - for Braveheart type of persons (skirt is optional) also for knights in shining armour.

-Short swords - For Badass/Hansome Greeks of the ancient times

This Is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Achilles and his mythical talking machine

Having an hot body is compulsorry. celphones are optional

Spears - for people who want to maximize distance while minimizing the zombies. Also great if thrown but you have to pick it up again.

Axe - For lumberjacks whose tired of chopping trees and in need of a new victim. Also used by dwarves, barbarians, axepeople, and ex-firefighters

Trident - Used by SATAN!!!

Club - for people lazy enough to not find any finer melee weapon. For caveman.

Cutlass - For pirates

Chainsaw - used by none other

The chins that could kill

And by his countless imitators.

Fryingpan - for hobbits and people who are caught in a zombie apocalypse while preparing a decent meal

Broken Glass - for people who used to be sober

Cellphones - Really??? you can use Cellphone to kill Zombies? Teach me how......PLease.

Guns - For people who ran out of bullets.

Lightsabers - Primarily used againt evil sith zombies by awesome jedi knights

More to coom

Still ... Reasearche