It is somewhat a difficult task, but we're going to pick the top five reasons you should hate twilight. The only difficult part is what five to pick.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||nav
Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now, remove everything from the series except Buffy, Angel, and Spike. Replace Buffy with an accident prone, clumsy, helpless, hapless, social outcast who has a useless attribute that's never explained. Replace Angel with a sparkling, pasty, dickless, bloodsucking yuppie. Replace Spike with tanned, shirtless, Mr. Olympia reject who has the ability to turn into a CG wolf that looks like it was designed by a kindergartener using Photoshop.
Now, add in the vampires and werewolves from Underworld. Take the guns and leather away from the vampires and replace the transformations of the werewolves with the aforementioned Photoshop wolves. Make sure all of them can't be killed by any means short of throwing them into a wood chipper.
Add a dysfunctional love triangle, and you now have Twilight.
We'd first like to display four different interpretations of vampires.
Pictured above: Count Orlok
Pictured Above: Count Dracula
Pictured above: Selene
Pictured above: Edward Cullen
There is only one thing that the four of these vampires have in common: they suck blood.
Let's dissect the four. Count Orlok was the depiction of the vampire in the German silent film, Nosferatu. Below him is Count Dracula as depicted by Bela Lugosi in 1931. Immediately you can see a similar quality in the two. Although Orlok may not look like it, both he and Dracula pose as noblemen in their periods of time. They use this method to draw women to them so they can take them to somewhere private and violate their neck. The success these two individuals had could explain why in the years to come, talentless assholes in clubs do the exact same thing. While they pretend they're both gentlemen, you can see that the both Orlok and Dracula have a certain "feral" aspect to them. While the common MO for these guys would be to drain the blood from necks, they also had the ability to shred you into kibble and get their blood that way. We don't hear about how frequently that method is used, though one could theorize that they wouldn't want to clean up the mess afterwards, and if either Dracula or Orlok had a bad night, they'd be liable to eat their servants.
Now, we fast forward to 2003 where we meet Selene, the titular character of the first two Underworld films. We can see that there are multiple differences between her and the Counts. Other than the fangs, Selene is devoid of any of the feral qualities that her predecessors had. You'll also notice that her fashion sense consists of leather, and that she has a holster on her leg. Selene represents an evolution of the vampire one would consider "streamlined". While Orlok and Dracula had dark magic and the ability to change forms on their side, the vampires in Underworld resorted to conventional means when it came to combat. While Underworld follows its own continuum, all of the vampires in the movies, with the exception of Victor and Marcus, lack the powers that earlier vampires had. We notice that the main weakness the vampires had was sunlight. This is a trait that they share with the Counts. Dracula and Orlok were sensitive to sunlight whereas Selene and company would explode if she were exposed to sunlight for too long. Given that she has no other powers than wearing corsets, Selene can be seen as a lesser version of a vampire. It is meant to appeal to audiences and played on the whole "blood, sex, feeding off of life" fad, but it still passes as vampire. Barely.
Then, we have Edward. You'll immediately notice that Edward shares none of the physical qualities that the first three had, and, other than strength, lacked any of the powers. If it weren't for the fact that Edward sucked blood, he would be nothing more than sparkling superhuman. He lacks the vulnerability for sunlight that earlier vampires had, and, while we're at it, all of the other weaknesses that vampires had. This takes away a from a key trait that vampires had, and that was that humans could kill them. Part of what makes vampires so scary is how powerful they are, but humans had to take care of them anyway, which is why Dr. Van Helsing is such a badass. In the case of Twilight, any human versus Edward would the be equivalent of a jack russel terrier versus a freight train. You'll also notice that Edward's appearance is different. For some reason, the vampires in Twilight disguise themselves as high school students. Wouldn't this considered a step down from the stigma that vampires originally had which was that they were noble? I mean, seriously, what's the appeal of taking geometry for 50 years? Since they're not searching for a food source, there's absolutely no reason why a vampire would pose as high school student. Are they trying to blend in? Bullshit. First of all, if you're an immortal. You can do whatever the fuck you want. You can go to a restaurant, have lunch, take a shit in the booths, kill the owner and the waitress, resist arrest, kill the officers, get captured by SWAT, get executed, dig your way out of your grave, and then look for the next restaurant. Second of all, the high school mentality is that jocks and cheerleaders rule, everyone else sucks.
So, in short, the only thing that the vampires in Twilight have in common with any other vampire in any story is that they drink blood. These vampires have no weaknesses, sparkle in sunlight, share no physical attributes with earlier vampires, and take the guise of a social caste that has no reason for anyone to be drawn to them. The vampires in Twilight are Stephanie Meyer's equivalent of poorly conceived "original" fanfiction characters.
Remember those three characters mentioned earlier? The outcast, the yuppie, and the bodybuilder reject?
Pictured above: Bella Swan
Initially, the only details that we knew about Bella was that she was an "average" girl who is pale, has brown hair and eyes and a heart shaped face. Only a vague description is ever given in the books, and a woman who fits the description given in the books portrays her in the movies. Meyer never fully describes Bella's appearance because she wanted to leave her appearance "open to interpretation" so that the readers could "step into her shoes" easier. Right off the bat, the main character is pegged as an "everyman" by the author. For the uninitiated, the "everyman" is a trait designating someone who has no qualities that set them aside from the rest of the characters. This is a character archetype is meant to immerse the reader in the story by thinking that they can take up the role of the "everyman" in the story. Admittedly, this is part of the appeal for the female fanbase: being able to put themselves in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire. The concept of Bella being an "everyman" is immediately thrown into the shitter when Edward reveals to Bella that he is unable to read her mind and that her blood smells better than the other blood he can apparently smell. More on the mind reading thing later. Trying to make Bella an everyman is a cop out. She did this to save her energy to write about Edward and how much he looks like a statue of a man whose true appearance is just as vague as Bella's.
As if her appearance weren't enough, Bella is described as a clumsy, stubborn, average girl, who is a terrible liar, and seems to be unable to do anything for herself, usually having Edward come to her rescue. In essence, Meyer sets up Bella as the perpetual "damsel in distress" who lacks any valid unique qualities, and by putting yourself in her shoes, you are taking up the role of someone who might be considered legally retarded. The author of the Twilight series is committing sexism against her own gender. Meyer has rebuked such criticisms, saying in an interview that she had with Entertainment Weekly that "just because [Bella] doesn't do kung fu and she cooks for her father doesn't make her worthy of that criticism". Meyer can say that all she wants but that doesn't change the fact that you wouldn't write a cartoon series starring ONLY Daphne Blake.
Has been captured in every episode in every season of Scooby-Doo EVER.
There's no story there, just like with Bella. Having the "damsel in distress" as the main character of a book series would be the equivalent of reading the diary of every other game Princess Peach has been in.
Day 3 -
Settled into the dungeon. Trying to rearrange the chunks of stone from a broken wall in sort of a fung shui... thing... I hope Mario gets here soon.
Day 18 -
Gruel again, today. Bowser had a bad night and didn't have enough to skimp for a decent meal, the cheap fuck.
Day 45 -
I managed to stock up on some of the produce that I've been given, as well as a mushroom I got from one of the guards in exchange for some... services. Maybe a little hooch will help the time pass.
Day 56 -
(The pages of this entry are covered in doodles. Scattered amongst the entry are also traces of dried vomit, and dried droplets of some sort of fermented liquid. Barely seen beneath the doodles are multiple ethnic slurs, and something about the inability to "plug my pipes".)
Day 89 -
I had a conversation with Boscoe today. They think that I should stop associating myself with a blue collar worker who abuses animals. I am a princess, after all. I bet if I called PETA, I could take care of Mario, and if I called Ted Nugent, I could take care of Bowser. I would never end up in this fucked up place again.
Day 135 -
(Another entry sprinkled with dried vomit and fermented liquids. There were traces that this was a suicide note, but it devolved into violent doodles,, some of which contain things that would make furries blush.)
Some of these entries may be somewhat exaggerated, but that doesn't change the fact that the story of a damsel in distress lacks in many areas. The fairy tale Rapunzel is about a dude rescuing some woman from a tower. It's not about whether or not Rapunzel's hardened bread had mold on it or not. Bella lacks depth, and the character NEVER develops in the series until the fourth book, where she *SPOILER!* becomes a vampire *END SPOILER!*. She had no choice, either. More on that later.
But let's backtrack a bit. Earlier, we said that Edward couldn't read Bella's mind. This was the only item in the story that connected Edward to Bella, and it has no substance to it! Somewhere, it is said that Bella has a "private mind", and that this... whatever the fuck it is... is why Edward can't hear Bella swooning every time she sees him.
We're throwing down an open challenge to any fan of Twilight to explain what it means to have a "private mind". The closest thing we can think of is maybe it means that Bella is a private person who doesn't talk with anybody. That, however, is moot. Megan Fox may be a private person, but that hasn't stopped people from finding out that her entire acting method includes "act like you're in a Penthouse shoot". Kanye West may be a private person, but people have found out that he's just a talentless jackass.
Bella has no use to the plot, and has only been brought into the underlying plot in the book because of.... something... fabricated by the author. She has no substance. She doesn't develop on her own. She has no qualities that befit the main character of a book.
Pictured above: Edward Cullen
Pictured above: A closer depiction to what Edward was supposed to be and a creature with more talent than the rodent who portrayed Edward
.For those of you who have put yourself at great personal risk and read the synopsis of any of the Twilight books, you learn what Edward looks like. He has been described as "perfect", "impossibly beautiful", and "Adonis-like". Meyer tried to appeal to the entire fanbase by allowing Edward to be "the man of their dreams". This is another instance of the same method she used to describe Bella, if you want to call it that. Meyer goes into some detail, saying that he has skin akin to marble, that is to say, pale. It is also said that his facial features are very angular, he has a strong jaw, and full lips.
There is an old saying that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". You want proof?
This man is considered attractive. There are probably a lot of women, and men, out there that would describe him as "beautiful". However...
This man is also considered to be beautiful. If you compare the two, this man has probably gotten more action than the first.
And while we're on the subject, "Adonis" is a god in Greek myth that is commonly associated with physical beauty, specifically, that of young males, since that was what Adonis was always depicted as. However, Adonis could take on different forms, and while each one was different from the next, Adonis is associated with being beautiful.
Repeatedly described as "Adonis-like".
And if the majority of this guy's fanbase knew the term, he'd probably be "Adonis-like" as well.
The whole basis for the description of any of the characters in Twilight is what Meyer considers to be beautiful and average. If you compare the last two pictures, you would think that the female gender would be more prone to hook up with an eternal tween idol, rather than an extra in a Harry Potter film. The reason for this could be how Meyer conceived Bella and Edward. She had a dream with Edward in at as well as Meyer, though some say it was her daughter. And Meyer watched as the two had a "deep conversation". We'll let that fester.
As a character, Edward has a hodgepodge of random traits applied to him. One of note would be his attempt to turn his clan away from human blood and on to animal blood. Apparently, this move has garnered ridicule to the "Cullen Clan", in the form of them being called, "vegetarians". We, however, theorize that the characters in the books themselves got so fed up with not being considered vampires that they reverted to the feeding methods of a creature that shares their name in an attempt to try and gain abilities similar to earlier vampires, key among them, transformation.
"What the- The Cullens? Again!?! Get away from my cattle you talentless fuckin' hacks!"
Edward is known to be the "fastest" of the Cullens. TOO EASY. He is also known for being artistic, collecting cars, and having the musical taste of a poser.
Pictured above: Jacob Black
Meyer describes him as "beautiful". We're not going to go into that again.
You'll notice two things from this picture. One, that his favorite thing in the world is to be shirtless. And two, Jacob is a moron. Just look at the guy's face. There's nothing in the shot that would've hit him, yet he has the expression of a man who was bludgeoned in the face with a sock full of quarters.
Jacob's full roll in the Twilight series is somewhat uncertain. We suspect that the major part of his existence is competing against Edward. Who knows what for. Other than running around topless, it is unsure as to what Jacob enjoys doing in his spare time. We theorize that many people regard Jacob as the "village idiot", probably because of his drive to compete with Edward for someone who neither of which have any reason to be interested in.
While Jacob could be perceived as more sociable than Bella or Edward, Jacob is also a pedophile. More on that later.
Pictured above: Cover art of said book...
But to reflect the book, it should be more like this.
Much like later seasons of some TV shows, Breaking Dawn is the equivalent of the breakdown within the Twilight series. Apparently, Stephanie Meyer lost her shit at some point when writing the other three books, because a majority of this book is fucking insane.
The book begins after Bella and Edward get married. On their honeymoon, they fly out to a secluded tropical paradise. Edward is worried that he might hurt Bella because of his strength, but she reassures him that everything will be fine. And so it came to pass that Edward fucked her so hard that she got knocked out. After Edward cursed himself, he revived Bella, who insisted that they do it again. They do, and Bella is rendered unconscious AGAIN.
So, after who knows how many times, Bella gets pregnant, and is now carrying a monster that is growing at an accelerated rate. After confirming that she is pregnant, the newlyweds return to Washington, where Edward tries to convince her to have an abortion. Bella refuses, saying that she's connected to the child. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Jacob disagrees with his pack of other poorly animated werewolves killing Bella and the fetus out of fear that it might kill them once it gets out. Jacob breaks away from the pack to form his own and tries to find Bella, which he does.
It is at this point that we learn that the birth will kill Bella. So, Edward performs an emergency cesarean. With his teeth.
Need to read that again? No problem. We'll watch a one of those palette cleansers linked at the bottom while that sinks in.
But wait! It gets better!
After extracting the baby, which leaves Bella in a state similar to a dead cow found in Roswell, or a someone that didn't survive in the Alien films, Jacob, who had witnessed this, "imprints" on the newborn half-human, half-vampire. For the those of you who have no knowledge of the term, "imprinting" is an involuntary response that the werewolves have in the Twilight series that lets them know they found their soul mate.
Ya get it? Jacob fell madly in love with a baby who broke out of its mother in a manner similar to a B-list sci-fi movie!
We'll let that one sink in, too. While that one stews in your mind, we're gonna watch that stupid cat thing again.
And then, Bella gets turned into a vampire because she'll die from the equivalent of swallowing a land mine if she doesn't.
There's other stuff that happens in the book, but after reading all of THAT, who the fuck cares. Twilight loses its shit. Whatever plot was supposed to be present in the story is drowned out by these outrageous events. Critics have praised the book for being "dark" and "mature" and "a wild and satisfying finish to the ballad of Bella and Edward". Dark, yes. Mature, hardly. Wild? What the fuck about a woman being destroyed by her own child is wild? While the Twilight series was already about nothing, Stephanie Meyer lost it and reverted to a book full of nothing but shock gimmicks to retain her fanbase.
Everything about Breaking Dawn can be summarized in this picture.
In essence, Breaking Dawn proves that the series has no base for anything that the Twilight series contains. It also says something about the taste of the people who like the books.
There she is and she is guilty of many things.
First of all, she has become famous for absolutely no reason, and has joined the ranks of others who have done so. Others such as Perez Hilton, Kevin Federline, Will Hung, and Chris Crocker. She is the female equivalent to Michael Bay. Neither understand that "substance" is an important aspect in ANY story. And when they are running low on ideas, they try to trick people into thinking otherwise (Meyer with Breaking Dawn and religious propaganda, and Bay with lowbrow humor, racial stereotypes, and explosions). While there are some that would claim that Meyer does have talent (how much is never stated), there are certain members of the literary world who think otherwise. One such person is Stephen King. He compared Twilight and Harry Potter and said that while J.K. Rowling had talent as a writer, Meyer "can't write worth a darn".
Second, Meyer promotes religious propaganda, such as abstinence and the subservience of women in her books. Subservient women is easy to see with Bella. The only thing that matters to Bella is Edward and she never is in control of her own life in any part of the story. Her character is more like a slave than an independent human being, lacking any free will of her own. Her entire existence is validated by the attention she gets from Edward. As for abstinence, remember that lovely "birth scene" we mentioned earlier?
I know. I don't wanna remember it either.
If you were shown that scene when you were in your early teens or whenever you were just learning the finer points of reproduction, what would you think if you saw a picture of a girl who wasn't even 20 years old, with her body burst open, blood everywhere, entrails thrown all over the place and were told that she had a C-section to remove a fetus? Your dick would shoot so far up into your body that you'd be able to taste your underwear. Better yet, what if you showed that same scene to a girl of a similar disposition and told her that she had an abortion? She'd be cockblocking EVERYONE out of fear that someone would end up looking like the loser of a fight between them and Freddy Krueger. Brilliantly done, and there are too many people who would take it that way.
Finally, the most damning of all, Stephanie Meyer has never seen a vampire movie, nor has she read Bram Stoker's Dracula.
It was revealed in an interview with Entertainment Weekly that Meyer had never read Bram Stoker's Dracula and had never watched a vampire film. Though, to be fair, she had seen a few minutes of "Interview with a Vampire" and that Dracula was "on her list" of books to read. On the list...
You threw one at vampires, Meyer, so we're going to throw one right back at you.
By admitting this, Meyer has basically stated that she lacks knowledge relevant to a major part of her series. Some may say that you don't necessarily have to have a good base of knowledge to do something different, which is what Meyer did with the vampires in her books. This could be true, however, you don't see Larry the Cable Guy writing books about quantum physics, do you? That's because Larry the Cable Guy is smart enough to stick to what he knows: all things redneck. Since Meyer knows dick about vampires in the first place, why does she write about them?
No, seriously. Why?
Pictured above: What the books are all about
We've been through it all. The characters, the author, the books, but the thing it really winds down to is that the series is based around nothing. This isn't like the "nothing" that Seinfeld was based off of. This is actually nothing. Nothing as in void, absent, nonexistent. If you ever hear someone promoting any part of Twilight, one question will cause their reality to explode.
"What do Bella and Edward have in common?"
Just make sure when you do that you bring everything you would to see a prop comic.
What else could be said? Whether you love her or hate her, you have to give Meyer credit for her ability to keep a fanbase over the course of four books by basing the series around two people who only know each other because Edward constantly saves Bella's ass.
Since the two have nothing in common, there's nothing to write about.
So, do you hate Twilight?