James Cromwell

James Cromwell is an elderly actor known for his portrayal of aging presidents, incontinent scientists, senile pig farmers, pretty much any old turd just this side of God's Green Room.

Oh THAT guy, JC is just like your grandfather, a sexy, sexy grandfather.

Just The Facts

  1. he is a vegetarian
  2. he is older than you and if he isnt then you are reading this from beyond the grave
  3. his nuts are most likely bigger than yours and if not, then you should get a wheelbarrow

Cromwells huge nuts and the sack he carries them in

Ok, there's guys who play the badass in every movie they're in (also known as the 'heavy' not, presumably because of their weight in lbs, or stones, or whatever the hell else people use to measure your fat ass) They make a living at this shit, perfecting their craft at being just the nastiest creep on the screen at any given time, or as the 'sneaky' guy who you wouldn't suspect but then burns you at the end. Great examples of this are Michael Ironsides (or just side, I didn't bother to look up if it has an S on the end or not) the dude in Scanners, not the head blown up dude, but the head blower upper dude. That guy plays the same bad ass sonofabitch in everything he does, even WHEN he's a good guy (see Top Gun/Gay Volleyball for reference)

this is not an article about this man, but fear him,

he might make your head explode... or make you play gay volleyball

This is NOT a piece about Michael Ironside(s). However, there should be one in the immediate future to be sure. This IS one about that kind of actor, the irascible James Cromwell, even his fucking Name sounds like a Revolutionary War Memorial. Born in 1940 which means he's about to hit 70 this year I mean seriously? The dude has looked 70 for like 30 fucking years for Gods sakes. Not to mention he's like 7 ft 2 or some ridiculous height that you can't even imagine less you're a) Shaq b) a giraffe or possibly c) god. Rain DOES in fact hit him before it will you, it's a fact, look it up.

he was 24 years old when this was taken!

and the oscar goes to...

He was nominated with a Best Supporting Actor for Babe where he supports a piggy. He has also played the president on four seperate occasions but no hint of an Oscar there, but wingman for a piglet? That'll do James... that'll do. Babe itself was up for best picture which, although a cute movie and well recieved with furries the world over, is just another talking animal movie. Let's take a closer look at Mr. Cromwell and the nearly identical rolls he chooses to play over and over again, in different movies through the years. Remember dear friends (you are not my friends) this is not a biopic of James Cromwell the man, but rather a hodge podge of his various parts from the movies he plays. Because lets face it, you really don't want to learn about JC the man as opposed to the rolls he inhabits. Oh you do? Ok, he's a vegetarian, how about that? Seriously, he could be a really nice guy or a huge dick, who gives a shit, let's get on with it.

Same Part, different movie?

Notable JC movies: W, LA Confidential, I Robot,

Sum of All Fears, Star Trek: First Contact, Babe

fans were upset when they realized it was NOT the sequel to V

In W he plays what is now known as 'the Elder Bush' which sounds like a title of an assisted living porno movie which creates images of nasty old people sloppy wheelchair sex in nursing homes, but that's me. You? You spend your day's reading CRACKED, you're MUCH more well adjusted, don't judge me. Regardless, he plays George Senior but not during his own presidency, although it is a side story. He never seems happy with his namesake and is convinced he'll fail at pretty much everything he attempts.... I'll just let that one hang there for a tic...... ok, on with it. He kicks young George's ass mentally (and thru an AWESOME dream sequence physically) throughout most of the movie. Oliver Stone hired him cos he's tall, gray, not dead yet and looks like the Elder Bush (heh) as much as any tall old guy. He pulls it off with aplomb, whatever the fuck that means.

No Oscar Nod for James in LA,

although Kim Bassinger did get an oscar for acting like a normal person, which was a stretch

Tom Cruise... are you READING THIS?

LA Confidential: Here he plays the chief of police for Los Angeles or Hollywood, who the hell remembers. But he's the tough Irish cop that runs everything in the city until (spoiler... 10 year old movie, your window of ignorance has just closed) you realize that HE'S the bad guy and pops poor Kevin Spacey in the kitchen (see above kitchen/bitch). It was one of those really good 'gotcha' moments a'la Bruce Willis (once more WINDOW is CLOSED) finding out his acting carrier was, in fact dead without the help of M. Knight who is about due for another good movie any decade now. Seriously, I'm FROM Philly and we're still waiting. But he (James, Not Bruce) lulls you into the nice guy thing for 70 percent of the movie until he turns to the dark side and starts killing near everything else on screen, including kittens. (note, he does not kill kittens but it does allow me to add a kitten pic to this if i need more space)

Aside from the name.... and the presence of a robot...

I Robot: Crazy scientist who is so fucking smart, the only way he can think to get the attention of Will Smith... Will Smith I say, is to jump out a window and hope the Fresh Prince can put together the pieces. Let's just leave the plot holes out of this which were bigger than the window he jumped through and examine the character. James is seen only after the fact that he's dead, so you only get neato holograms, which is actually not a special effect and although his acting does have depth, his physical presence is, in fact, 2 dimensional. (I robot footnote... Isaac Asimov (see greatest dead sci fi author of all time, Fuck you Heinlein) was spinning like a ROTICERIE in his grave when this thing was made. Aside from the title... and the plucky good natured looks of Smugh Troblore or whatever that kid from Transformers name was, there was not a single thing from the book and if there was, they fucked it up)

hey, that's not Harison Ford, PASS

Sum of all fears: didn't see it, don't really give a shit about it, it's another in the Clancy Red October thing with Ben Affleck at the top of his overexposed game in the early aughts (whatever) doing his thang since Harrison Ford was too busy chilling with Alley McBeil on a pile of money to bother with another Jack Ryan Movie. Let's just say that James did a good job being the tough Commander and Chief gig like he does and didn't have to go out of his 'comfort zone' too much. That Zone being the old, pissed off, tall, gray evil grandfather in charge of the oval office. This was played much better in fact by Dick Chenney minus the tall thing.

Ya think they could have found someplace on the cover for him

like a dozen Borg and no space for the inventor of space travel? they also suck

Star Trek First Contact: He plays the scientist (i robot), heavy drinking (cop La Confidential), inventor of the warp engine. Which is the thing that all trek geeks know is what gets ships from here to Vulcan in some ridiculous amount of time that can most adequately be explained as a huge astro writers crutch that zips through space and/or time whenever it suits them. Considering out of 11 Star Trek Movies (really?) they've used time travel in 3 of them. It seems, in the 24th century, your ability to end up in a different space/time is about as good as you being served tuna-melt in the caf next Friday. So he's the rock star of the pic, which is odd for him to be sure. But he plays it off, acts all 20th century around the crew of the Enterprise P or Q or R, (who the fuck knows some letter). It is regarded as the best of the later 'generations' style of trek movies, not just because of James being IN it, but that it was the first that SHANTER was NOT in it. Coincidence? Who cares.

see those tiny little figures in the middle, that's to scale ....

the heartwarming story of a giantacus pig and his monster nightmare animal friends

And Babe. (note to self, never ever search the term babe along with pig in Google again) As previously stated, babe was up for a goddamn academy award. And it's pretty good movie, it also should be noted that the director of babe also did the ROAD WARRIOR??? That's covering a HUGE amount of ground. So much so it's amazing Babe's barnyard shanagance didn't include the Humgious shooting Farmer James through the spleen with a crossbow and tying him to a tractor. He played the farmer, he had animals, they all spoke but he heard none of it. I've NEVER seen that movie before (cough Charlottes web) I mean that story just had never been told, (cough again animal farm). Seriously, it was breaking new ground and deserved the academy nod, (fucking choking here, FOGHORN LEGHORN? anyone?)

the roles that got away

James Cromwell is a bad ass hiding behind the persona of a kindly old man. Here is a small list of parts that he SHOULD have played but were unfairly given to other actors...

Ya kind of see where it's going, basically any old dude, he's got the lock. And, thanks to CGI (fuck CGI, I don't care how much money AVATAR made, if you make me sit through a three hour video game and not give me a joystick, you can go fuck yourself) you better believe he'll be making movies long after he's passed away, maybe he already has. He mignt already be America's greatest dead working celebrity next to Elvis, Kurt Cobain and Lindsay Lohan.

]C ! cl cl