Insomnia

Insomnia = Major suckage with some fun side affects

Insomniac's Problem

Just The Facts

  1. Insomnia means you can't sleep, even when you're exhausted
  2. Inomniac = Person who doesn't sleep.
  3. It makes you hallucinate, which is cool.
  4. When you don't sleep, you don't get morning breath.
  5. Who doesn't love not having morning breath?

The Basics

Insomnia is a fancy term meaning "no sleep." It's actually a symptom of many other diseases, and not a disease itself. There are several different types of insomnia, including transient insomnia, acute insomnia, and chronic insomnia. The only difference between the three is the levels of severity. Insomnia can either mean not sleeping well for a couple weeks, not being able to sleep at all due to some outside cause, or not being able to sleep consistently for years on end.

Complications

Insomnia can cause some pretty strange behaviors in those who suffer from it. For example, not sleeping for several days can cause auditory and visual hallucinations, which are hilarious for people who don't have insomnia. For a fun time, just find a friend, feed them lots of caffeine for a couple weeks, and see what happens. To maximize fun, put on some creepy music, and throw things just over their heads, or stand directly behind them. Not sleeping also causes some acute paranoia!

However, some problems aren't as fun. Not sleeping can ruin your immune system, making you catch diseases that a three year old could fight off. So, along with giving you a shorter life span, it'll also help you catch the disease to finally finish you off! Your memory will suck, so be prepared to use all the extra time from not sleeping (see below) to study as much as possible. It'll also cause worse mood swings than your girlfriend at that special time of month, along with depression.

The worst part of insomnia is walking through every day like you're not really there. (Yes, I'm resisting quoting Fight Club right now.) Very few people who suffer from insomnia can live each day fully awake. Most affected people have trouble concentrating, will often zone out for no reason, and probably shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. Unless you want to die. They'll also randomly act like they're high, acting all giggly and babbling about nothing, but somehow making perfect sense.

Perks

While hallucinations may seem like the only fun part of insomnia, there are very few other perks. The main one is all the extra time you'll have when normal people are sleeping! It's the perfect time to finish homework, read a book, write a book, vaccuum the house, and practice your awesome drum skills while your parents (sorry, roommates) are trying to sleep!

Really though, that's the only perk. Extra time. Is extra time really worth being a zombie?

What? Yes?

It's the hallucinations, isn't it...

Cures

While there aren't any real cures for insomnia, there are many treatments. Other than popping perscription pills like every good Cracked writer, there are safer, less addictive, and more natural ways.

Some examples:

  • A strong cup of caffeine-free tea
  • A hot bath
  • Exercise during the day, rest for an hour before bed
  • Don't watch tv or drink/eat sugary anything for up to two hours before bed
  • Listen to relaxing music

But who wants the natural ways when you can have pills, right? Going the medication route gives you a few choices, some even natural! Melatonin is an all natural diet supplement that taken for a long period of time can help adjust your natural sleep schedule. There are many over-the-counter meds you can take, like Tylenol PM that aren't very addictive and can sometimes knock you right out. The most dangerous route is perscription sleeping meds. They're highly addictive, and force you into a set sleep schedule. Also, do NOT drink and take these, unless you want to die with the guy driving with the insomniac up there (seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?)