Nintendo is the top-selling game company and junk


Just The Facts

  1. Nintendo is rich as all fuck. Like, Warren Buffet times Scrooge McDuck rich.
  2. The name "Nintendo" literally translates from Japanese to English into "leave luck to heaven," which isn't ballsy at all. No sir.

One Hundred God Damn Years Ago

Everyone and their moms knows who Nintendo is. They require literally no introduction. No "how do you do," no "this is what Nintendo is all about." Before Wii Fit caused them to lose 50 pounds so they could finally court the lawyer next door instead of sleep with your good-for-nothing grocery store manager dad (worthless asshole), your mom was probably blaming Nintendo for everything from your horrible grades, lack of girlfriend, drug use, and insomnia (though the last one was probably true. And the first one. ...And the second one.). Be that as it may, what most people don't realize is that Nintendo wasn't birthed the moment Mario popped out of their proverbial tubing. This company has been around since Boris Fucking Karloff was born.

Nintendo formed sometime around 1887 as a playing card game company. That's right, that Canasta shit your grandma plays with her other friends that make your living room smell like BenGay and IcyHot violated each other for days is responsible for the reason you flunked out of college and manage a McDonalds for a living. And they ruled at this. They dominated at this. They were so good at this, in fact, that in the 1960s they partnered up with Disney to create more playing cards. This partnership made them so much money that they were able to venture into other markets, such as making vacuums, or opening up "love hotels," which were places people went to fuck.

To cut a long story short, all of these ventures failed and after about 70 years of playing goddamn card games people finally stopped buying them. Nintendo was at a huge profit loss and their stock plummeted faster than a paraplegic in a pool. Luckily, they had rececntly made a hiring decision that in the future would save both the company and the future of video games entirely, by employing one Shigeru "Jesus 2" Miyamoto.