Twilight: The Prequel

I decided the pre-novel story could use a little unuselessnessarization. So 'tis with a little bit of peanut butter stuck between my teeth that I present Twilight: The Prequel

He's a vampire

Just The Facts

  1. Bella RUINED BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION her bottom lip while making the abominations(called movies by the confused majority) ...but more on that later
  2. Edward Cun...Cullen can only turn metal objects in a clockwise direction(keys, soup ladels, your mom etc. etc.)
  3. Jason confuses the letters q and v...to counteract(sudden urge to play Counterstrike...Damnit) this flaw the all-crapping editors of abovementioned "movie(s)" told him to FLEX whenever he had to say a word containing either letter! This worked wonders as the girls would be too busy swooning to notic

Bella's pre-I-hate-my-life-and-want-to-die-but-I'm-too-much-of-a-wuss-to-suicide(because it can be used as a verb)-so-I-find-a-vampboy-to-do-the-job-for-me-minus-the-grave life.

"So I'm, like, too scared to slit my wrists," Thought Bella as she slowly retracted the razor sharp razor from her right wrist.

Okay okay crap let's start over.

Right from the very itsy bitsy teeny weeny start of the first damn film we figure that poor plain-yet-smarter-than-the-rest-of-the-class-combined Bella is an insecure, talentless suicidal(yes, nouns too), but why? What causes such severe mental damage? Where did she learn to look so obnoxiously shy? What makes those eerily cute cartoon ponies pink? What's the time?

To answer a few of these questions I will make a bullet list:

  • Because at the age of two and a half she was known as BILLY, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!! Yes, she would make inappropriate jokes about your mom, steal your lunch money, sneeze the alphabet backwards, do the whole WWWEEEEEEDDDDDGGGGGYYYYY thing, and underline the answer when it was CLEARLY instructed to be circled(or even worse, COLORED IN!!!!)
  • Electric shock therapy. Far as I can figure that is what also wiped out her dignity.
  • Your mom
  • Eerily hairy fat dudes living in a wheely chair in a room of their mom's houses
  • Your mom(yes...your mom)